We're almost there...2009 is almost over!!!!
Forgive the excitement, this year has been one for the books. About the only positive thing I will take from this year is my sweet hubby graduating and passing the bar exam. Other than that, I'm willing to write off this year entirely.
I know it's been a while since I posted. One of my resolutions is to be better about posting. More on the resolutions later.
We made it though the holidays. I can safely say that now, with a quick prayer in reference to the rest of today.
This year, our aim was simply to make it through. Yes there were tears, but not as many as I was afraid of. No one cried when we were all together, so that was good.
My birthday was difficult for me. Not because I turned 30, I frankly could care less. As terrible as 29 was, I was ready to have the dang year over. No, it was difficult because last year, Mom made a huge deal out of throwing me a party, which was a blast! The next day, she started getting sick. And, as you all know, she never really got better.
Christmas was weird, not having her here. We changed up what we always do, so it was a season of new beginnings. I had a hard time decorating for Christmas, but we went on and put up most of our decorations. Dad didn't, he didn't want to. Hailey told him he didn't have a choice. She compromised by not putting a tree up, but she did do the table settings and some knick-knacks, including Creepy Santa.
(Creepy Santa is a Santa that Mom was given several years ago by one of my grandmothers, I don't remember which one. He is about 3-1/2 feet tall, too tall to fit in the closet where all the Christmas stuff goes, so the rest of the year he sits behind the open closet door in Mom's stamp room. Zoe always moves the door about halfway, and if you aren't paying attention, out of the corner of your eye you just see this fuzzy man staring at you from behind the door. He's also dressed in all gray, rather than red, so we have nicknamed him Creepy Santa)
It snowed here a LOT on Christmas Eve, which was really cool. We had about 6 inches in the back yard, and I'm honestly not exaggerating on that one! The only problem was the half-inch of solid ice that was under the snow, which made getting around...interesting. We've never had a white Christmas before, and it was peaceful. Other than the driving.
I know we all make "resolutions" for New years, and I'm no different. Some years I am really good about them, others I'm not so good. Last year my big one was to get healthy. So, Pete and I both lost weight (him about 25 pounds, me about 40) and started eating better. My other one was to spend time with my family, which I will never regret doing.
This year, I have a few more.
1) Finish losing the weight - about 25 more pounds, since I put back on about 5 that I lost over the holidays!
2) Continue to spend time with my family. Hailey and I are getting really close, which I love.
3) Complete my stockings. (I'm making stockings for my mother in law for the whole family - very involved and time consuming!! But they're SOOO cute when they're done!)
4) Do the half-marathon. Hailey and I are signing up for one in April, which gives us about 15 weeks to get ready. We're also doing a 10K at the halfway point.
5) KEEP EVERYONE OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. I can't stress that one enough!!!
6) Be more positive
Hopefully I can do these. I am supported by a wonderful family and an amazing husband.
I am also continuing to use this blog as a little bit of therapy. It may take me a while to get over everything that happened this year. Forgive me sounding dramatic, but this was a very traumatic year and experience.
So, I wish everyone a happy new year, and we can all celebrate that 2009 is OVER!!!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
What now?!?!?
I really feel like that's what I am screaming at the top of my inner lungs.
The last couple of weeks have been good.
Mom's birthday was a difficult day. We knew it would be. But we all did OK. It was very strange to not try to pick out the perfect present. The whole weekend was difficult. But, we had something that made the tough weekend more bearable...
Pete passed the Texas State Bar Exam!!!!!!!!!!!
He's officially a lawyer now. We went down to Austin last weekend for him to be sworn in by the Supreme Court of Texas. It was really cool, and most of our friends from law school also went down, so we had a fun weekend. He does have a temporary job doing electronic discovery through a company that was hired by a large law firm for a HUGE case they are working on. It's supposed to go through March, but we will continue looking at employment possibilities before then.
This week has been difficult.
Let me just say, I HATE hospitals. I know now why God had me be a dentist, not a doctor. I would probably throw myself off a building if I had to work in one every day, at least after this year.
Pawpaw (Mom's dad, Vernon) is in the hospital this week. I can't honestly remember him ever being sick, other than maybe a head cold, and one bout with pneumonia a few years ago.
He is very anemic, and his blood pressure is very high. They think there is a bleed internally, so they will be doing a colonoscopy tomorrow, as well as the other version where they go into the stomach through the mouth to check for ulcers, bleeds, etc. He looks much better today than yesterday, actually has some color in his face. Pray that everything turns out ok for him.
Granny is NOT taking this well. I''m having trouble getting her to eat much, and she won't go home to do anything other than shower and change clothes. So she isn't sleeping well. She's very stressed, which exacerbates her Alzheimer's. Usually, her Alzheimer's isn't too bad, but tonight she couldn't remember what she was supposed to be doing, why she came into a room, etc. And she is very short tempered. I know I'm not the most patient person when stressed, but she's very snappy right now.
I was surprised how much Harris hospital upsets me now. Granddad (my Dad's dad) has been in the heart building 3 times in the past 3 months, and it hasn't bothered me, other than the simple fact that he is in the hospital. But PawPaw is in the main building. In the same tower Mom was in. 4 floors up. On the same hallway. It didn't occur to me which tower we were in until I was leaving last night, because we went to the tower via the underground tunnel system. Then the elevator stopped on 2. I saw the Palliative Care unit right in front of me, and nearly lost it. When I reached my car, I realized my hands were really hurting, and when I looked down, I was shocked to see I was clenching them so tight they were white, and I was having trouble breathing. I really never thought I would be there again, I had absolutely no intentions of EVER being there again.
Pray for my PawPaw. I'm nervous about the tests tomorrow. I know it's probably perfectly fine. But, well, you've read the blogs. Anyone who has known me over the past 3 years knows why I'm nervous. Please pray for Granny too. And since Rob and Kathy live in New Mexico, my mom made me promise to take care of her parents. So I try.
The last couple of weeks have been good.
Mom's birthday was a difficult day. We knew it would be. But we all did OK. It was very strange to not try to pick out the perfect present. The whole weekend was difficult. But, we had something that made the tough weekend more bearable...
Pete passed the Texas State Bar Exam!!!!!!!!!!!
He's officially a lawyer now. We went down to Austin last weekend for him to be sworn in by the Supreme Court of Texas. It was really cool, and most of our friends from law school also went down, so we had a fun weekend. He does have a temporary job doing electronic discovery through a company that was hired by a large law firm for a HUGE case they are working on. It's supposed to go through March, but we will continue looking at employment possibilities before then.
This week has been difficult.
Let me just say, I HATE hospitals. I know now why God had me be a dentist, not a doctor. I would probably throw myself off a building if I had to work in one every day, at least after this year.
Pawpaw (Mom's dad, Vernon) is in the hospital this week. I can't honestly remember him ever being sick, other than maybe a head cold, and one bout with pneumonia a few years ago.
He is very anemic, and his blood pressure is very high. They think there is a bleed internally, so they will be doing a colonoscopy tomorrow, as well as the other version where they go into the stomach through the mouth to check for ulcers, bleeds, etc. He looks much better today than yesterday, actually has some color in his face. Pray that everything turns out ok for him.
Granny is NOT taking this well. I''m having trouble getting her to eat much, and she won't go home to do anything other than shower and change clothes. So she isn't sleeping well. She's very stressed, which exacerbates her Alzheimer's. Usually, her Alzheimer's isn't too bad, but tonight she couldn't remember what she was supposed to be doing, why she came into a room, etc. And she is very short tempered. I know I'm not the most patient person when stressed, but she's very snappy right now.
I was surprised how much Harris hospital upsets me now. Granddad (my Dad's dad) has been in the heart building 3 times in the past 3 months, and it hasn't bothered me, other than the simple fact that he is in the hospital. But PawPaw is in the main building. In the same tower Mom was in. 4 floors up. On the same hallway. It didn't occur to me which tower we were in until I was leaving last night, because we went to the tower via the underground tunnel system. Then the elevator stopped on 2. I saw the Palliative Care unit right in front of me, and nearly lost it. When I reached my car, I realized my hands were really hurting, and when I looked down, I was shocked to see I was clenching them so tight they were white, and I was having trouble breathing. I really never thought I would be there again, I had absolutely no intentions of EVER being there again.
Pray for my PawPaw. I'm nervous about the tests tomorrow. I know it's probably perfectly fine. But, well, you've read the blogs. Anyone who has known me over the past 3 years knows why I'm nervous. Please pray for Granny too. And since Rob and Kathy live in New Mexico, my mom made me promise to take care of her parents. So I try.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Life Moves On
We have kinda fallen into the rythym of life again.
Things are actually going pretty well for us. Sure, there are lots of difficult moments, but we are adjusting.
It's funny how, over the past few weeks, things are starting to make sense. I feel like I'm finally beginning to be myself again. On the downside, I've put back on about 7 pounds, so I'm working REALLY hard on getting back on the diet/exercise routine.
I have grown up going to church every Sunday for my entire life. I've probably missed fewer than 25 Sunday's in my life, including being sick. This isn't to brag, it's making a point.
I have grown up singing. Hymns, choruses, Christian songs, the whole nine yards.
After going through all the stuff that has happened to us over the past year, the songs, the ones I've grown up singing, take on a whole new meaning. Obviously, the hymns we sang at Mom's funeral are a No-Go right now. Just simply playing "How Great Thou Art" nearly does me in. We went to church with Pete's parents on Sunday because his Dad was getting some award, and I did fine through the whole service till the offertory...you guessed it, they played "How Great Thou Art." As soon as the piano played the opening chords, Pete just handed over the handkerchief. He knows me so well.
Seriously, though, next time you sing a hymn, or a chorus, or even listen to music, really LISTEN to the words. Think about what you are saying. Not to make yourself cry (though I certainly do a lot) but to fully appreciate and personalize the song. For me at least, it has changed how I sing.
I am a little nervous about the next few weeks. Like I said, most of the time, I am really OK. But Mom's birthday is coming up. Not sure how I will handle that. We forgot her birthday one year when I was little, ALL of us, till Hailey piped up with "Happy Birthday Mommy!!" at dinner. She just thanked Hailey while the rest of us exchanged panicked glances. She told us later that she didn't want us to make it up, but we were to NEVER forget it again. I PROMISE we NEVER forgot again!
She was sick on her 50th birthday, so last year I threw her a huge birthday party for her 51st. I'm really glad we got to do that. I remember Pete and I got her tickets to the Amy Grant concert that was coming to town, she had always wanted to see Amy Grant in concert and she was super excited. She and Dad had a good time. Well, she did. Dad just tolerated it, but he's not a huge fan of Amy Grant - nothing personal, just doesn't like the music.
So, we will see how things go.
Things are actually going pretty well for us. Sure, there are lots of difficult moments, but we are adjusting.
It's funny how, over the past few weeks, things are starting to make sense. I feel like I'm finally beginning to be myself again. On the downside, I've put back on about 7 pounds, so I'm working REALLY hard on getting back on the diet/exercise routine.
I have grown up going to church every Sunday for my entire life. I've probably missed fewer than 25 Sunday's in my life, including being sick. This isn't to brag, it's making a point.
I have grown up singing. Hymns, choruses, Christian songs, the whole nine yards.
After going through all the stuff that has happened to us over the past year, the songs, the ones I've grown up singing, take on a whole new meaning. Obviously, the hymns we sang at Mom's funeral are a No-Go right now. Just simply playing "How Great Thou Art" nearly does me in. We went to church with Pete's parents on Sunday because his Dad was getting some award, and I did fine through the whole service till the offertory...you guessed it, they played "How Great Thou Art." As soon as the piano played the opening chords, Pete just handed over the handkerchief. He knows me so well.
Seriously, though, next time you sing a hymn, or a chorus, or even listen to music, really LISTEN to the words. Think about what you are saying. Not to make yourself cry (though I certainly do a lot) but to fully appreciate and personalize the song. For me at least, it has changed how I sing.
I am a little nervous about the next few weeks. Like I said, most of the time, I am really OK. But Mom's birthday is coming up. Not sure how I will handle that. We forgot her birthday one year when I was little, ALL of us, till Hailey piped up with "Happy Birthday Mommy!!" at dinner. She just thanked Hailey while the rest of us exchanged panicked glances. She told us later that she didn't want us to make it up, but we were to NEVER forget it again. I PROMISE we NEVER forgot again!
She was sick on her 50th birthday, so last year I threw her a huge birthday party for her 51st. I'm really glad we got to do that. I remember Pete and I got her tickets to the Amy Grant concert that was coming to town, she had always wanted to see Amy Grant in concert and she was super excited. She and Dad had a good time. Well, she did. Dad just tolerated it, but he's not a huge fan of Amy Grant - nothing personal, just doesn't like the music.
So, we will see how things go.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Still Here
It's strange how you just get yourself so busy you can almost forget everything else.
That's been what we're doing.
I've been working, plus taking CE classes. Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon. Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school. Eric is working both of his jobs. We are putting in as many hours as we can. In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.
We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week. Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house.
We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done. The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living areas are clean. Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.
We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game. No, HPU games don't count. If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand. Pete was SUPER excited. Pete also went back to choir at church. I can't, not yet. I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance". Soon, hopefully.
We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week. Great stress relief. Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.
Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.
Every day is a little easier. I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work. Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot. But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table. Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.
I'm concerned about Granny. She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday. I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy. If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me. She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet. I understand, but I think at this point it's time.
Our family really appreciates all the prayers. While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain. We miss her deeply. But we all know that this is part of the plan. Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.
That's been what we're doing.
I've been working, plus taking CE classes. Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon. Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school. Eric is working both of his jobs. We are putting in as many hours as we can. In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.
We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week. Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house.
We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done. The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living areas are clean. Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.
We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game. No, HPU games don't count. If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand. Pete was SUPER excited. Pete also went back to choir at church. I can't, not yet. I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance". Soon, hopefully.
We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week. Great stress relief. Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.
Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.
Every day is a little easier. I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work. Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot. But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table. Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.
I'm concerned about Granny. She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday. I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy. If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me. She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet. I understand, but I think at this point it's time.
Our family really appreciates all the prayers. While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain. We miss her deeply. But we all know that this is part of the plan. Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Learning to Cope
It's been a week. She's been gone a week.
I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.
I just miss her so much. Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary. It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary. We had him over for dinner, to try to help. I don't know if it did any good.
I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one. Not for us, anyway.
To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems. He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery. Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is.
God and I have been having a discussion this week. I've just about hit my limit. I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that. So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital? For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times? Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break? I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens." I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.
Sorry for being so down and out tonight. Just hits me sometimes.
I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.
I just miss her so much. Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary. It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary. We had him over for dinner, to try to help. I don't know if it did any good.
I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one. Not for us, anyway.
To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems. He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery. Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is.
God and I have been having a discussion this week. I've just about hit my limit. I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that. So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital? For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times? Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break? I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens." I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.
Sorry for being so down and out tonight. Just hits me sometimes.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Another New Normal
Well, it's over.
This week, I mean. This has been the longest week of my life.
The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be. There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long. The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room. When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!! He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms. Mom would have LOVED it.
The funeral was hard. I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while. But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them. Jim did a really good job. I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.
It really was nice to see all the extended family. Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time. Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone. Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out. Next time, I will be there.
We are learning to adjust to our new life. We are all going back to work/school Monday. I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me. Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow. We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow. I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead. Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.
Funny, the things that keep popping into my head. Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures. Lunch after hair appointments. Chatting on the phone on my way to work. Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house. That stuff is gone. I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding. I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff. Already do.
Pray for us as we find our footing. I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling. We are all learning to adjust right now.
This week, I mean. This has been the longest week of my life.
The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be. There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long. The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room. When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!! He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms. Mom would have LOVED it.
The funeral was hard. I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while. But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them. Jim did a really good job. I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.
It really was nice to see all the extended family. Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time. Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone. Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out. Next time, I will be there.
We are learning to adjust to our new life. We are all going back to work/school Monday. I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me. Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow. We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow. I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead. Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.
Funny, the things that keep popping into my head. Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures. Lunch after hair appointments. Chatting on the phone on my way to work. Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house. That stuff is gone. I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding. I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff. Already do.
Pray for us as we find our footing. I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling. We are all learning to adjust right now.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Arrangements
Well, everything is set.
Visitation will be at Greenwood Funeral Home on Thursday night, from 6-8 pm.
The funeral will be Friday at 1pm, at Christ Chapel Bible Church (ccbcfamily.org) in the small sanctuary. Graveside service will follow at Greenwood.
We went Monday afternoon to pick everything out. I think we did a good job. The first spot we looked at for her burial plot was nice, because it was under a grove of oak trees, but Hailey didn't like it. There was a cemetary wall (huge cement thing) right by the trees, with a run-down looking house overlooking it. So, we looked at another one, towards the back of the cemetary. It is in the area that is the highest spot in the cemetary, lots of sun, but very close to a young tree that will shade more within a couple of years. Dad likes it, and he asked if we could do the thing where, instead of purchasing 2 burial plots next to each other, they could "stack" the coffins. Baiscally, it puts the first coffin about 10 feet down, the second about 6 feet down. That way they can be together.
The funny part about where Mom will be buried is that, when she taught Hailey and I to drive, that is where we would start. She always said that by teaching us to drive in the cemetary, we wouldn't kill anything. :-) Good memories. Hailey remembers her saying, "Don't give me any of those huge gaudy tombstones. I want something small. See that one? That's tacky. And that one is ugly. You better not get me anything ugly!" Classic Mom.
We are muddling through. Lots of random moments of total breakdowns. But still, a lot of laughter, and a lot of smiles.
Our hearts are broken, but we have been discussing what must be going on in Heaven. "You know, Donna, I've been able to run this place for thousands of years." "Yes, but you really need a welcoming committee. Let me head it up, and we'll make welcome cards!" It brings smiles to our faces.
Please continue to pray for us. This next year is REALLY going to suck.
Visitation will be at Greenwood Funeral Home on Thursday night, from 6-8 pm.
The funeral will be Friday at 1pm, at Christ Chapel Bible Church (ccbcfamily.org) in the small sanctuary. Graveside service will follow at Greenwood.
We went Monday afternoon to pick everything out. I think we did a good job. The first spot we looked at for her burial plot was nice, because it was under a grove of oak trees, but Hailey didn't like it. There was a cemetary wall (huge cement thing) right by the trees, with a run-down looking house overlooking it. So, we looked at another one, towards the back of the cemetary. It is in the area that is the highest spot in the cemetary, lots of sun, but very close to a young tree that will shade more within a couple of years. Dad likes it, and he asked if we could do the thing where, instead of purchasing 2 burial plots next to each other, they could "stack" the coffins. Baiscally, it puts the first coffin about 10 feet down, the second about 6 feet down. That way they can be together.
The funny part about where Mom will be buried is that, when she taught Hailey and I to drive, that is where we would start. She always said that by teaching us to drive in the cemetary, we wouldn't kill anything. :-) Good memories. Hailey remembers her saying, "Don't give me any of those huge gaudy tombstones. I want something small. See that one? That's tacky. And that one is ugly. You better not get me anything ugly!" Classic Mom.
We are muddling through. Lots of random moments of total breakdowns. But still, a lot of laughter, and a lot of smiles.
Our hearts are broken, but we have been discussing what must be going on in Heaven. "You know, Donna, I've been able to run this place for thousands of years." "Yes, but you really need a welcoming committee. Let me head it up, and we'll make welcome cards!" It brings smiles to our faces.
Please continue to pray for us. This next year is REALLY going to suck.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Amazing Grace...Blessed Assurance
These are 2 of my mom's favorite hymms, and mine too.
Most of you have heard by now our sad news.
Mom passed into heaven this morning.
Lots of tears all around.
Sorry, I didn't post Saturday when things changed. She apparently got very agitated Friday night, and Dad got no sleep at all. We made the choice to call in 24/7 hospice critical care nurses, knowing we were nearly there. We opted to not go back to the hospital for end stage hospice, we were happy having her at home.
Most of yesterday she was mostly sedated, but she would still moan in pain. We were able to give more medications as we felt it was necessary to keep her comfortable. Her blood pressure kept dropping. When we left last night, it was around 50/30.
I got a call from Dad this morning about 7 AM, saying that they could no longer register her blood pressure, but she was still breathing. We raced over as fast as we could get out of PJ's.
She was still with us for a while, we got to take turns sitting and holding her hands and talking to her. We all reassured her that we kept our promise, she was never alone through the whole time. Around 9:30, she was gone.
Lots of tears. But, ya know? There is a lot of rejoicing.
No more pain. No more testing. No more surgery. Just eternal happiness and praise.
We swear, she is already organizing a stamping party in heaven, and has joined the welcome committee.
Currently we are planning on the service being Friday at 10 am at Christ Chapel Bible Church, at 30 and Montgomery in Fort Worth, but I will confirm that tomorrow after the church office is open.
We kids (all 4 of us, Pete loved her so much) went with Dad to the funeral home to help pick everything out. We then headed to the mall, because Dad didn't have a suit and Hailey left her stuff at school. Everything is now taken care of.
I have repeatedly asked for prayer, and I know that. Now, I will ask for prayer for us. Like King David said in 2 Samuel, "22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
We feel so much pain right now. And so much more in the days to come. But right now, for the moment at least, there is peace.
Shortly after she passed, before they came to get her body to take to the funeral home (another experience I would opt out of EVER doing again, BTW), Pete and I were sitting on the stairs, crying. God brought to mind a beautiful song, a version of Amazing Grace that Chris Tomlin sings. Buy it on iTunes, seriously. The chorus, which I have had running through my head all day says "My chains are gone, I've been set free. 'Cuz God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending Love, Amazing Grace." Makes me cry even just typing it. Her chains are GONE!!! She is FREE!!!
Thank you, God, for ending her pain and suffering. I know You will comfort us as we begin ours.
Most of you have heard by now our sad news.
Mom passed into heaven this morning.
Lots of tears all around.
Sorry, I didn't post Saturday when things changed. She apparently got very agitated Friday night, and Dad got no sleep at all. We made the choice to call in 24/7 hospice critical care nurses, knowing we were nearly there. We opted to not go back to the hospital for end stage hospice, we were happy having her at home.
Most of yesterday she was mostly sedated, but she would still moan in pain. We were able to give more medications as we felt it was necessary to keep her comfortable. Her blood pressure kept dropping. When we left last night, it was around 50/30.
I got a call from Dad this morning about 7 AM, saying that they could no longer register her blood pressure, but she was still breathing. We raced over as fast as we could get out of PJ's.
She was still with us for a while, we got to take turns sitting and holding her hands and talking to her. We all reassured her that we kept our promise, she was never alone through the whole time. Around 9:30, she was gone.
Lots of tears. But, ya know? There is a lot of rejoicing.
No more pain. No more testing. No more surgery. Just eternal happiness and praise.
We swear, she is already organizing a stamping party in heaven, and has joined the welcome committee.
Currently we are planning on the service being Friday at 10 am at Christ Chapel Bible Church, at 30 and Montgomery in Fort Worth, but I will confirm that tomorrow after the church office is open.
We kids (all 4 of us, Pete loved her so much) went with Dad to the funeral home to help pick everything out. We then headed to the mall, because Dad didn't have a suit and Hailey left her stuff at school. Everything is now taken care of.
I have repeatedly asked for prayer, and I know that. Now, I will ask for prayer for us. Like King David said in 2 Samuel, "22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
We feel so much pain right now. And so much more in the days to come. But right now, for the moment at least, there is peace.
Shortly after she passed, before they came to get her body to take to the funeral home (another experience I would opt out of EVER doing again, BTW), Pete and I were sitting on the stairs, crying. God brought to mind a beautiful song, a version of Amazing Grace that Chris Tomlin sings. Buy it on iTunes, seriously. The chorus, which I have had running through my head all day says "My chains are gone, I've been set free. 'Cuz God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending Love, Amazing Grace." Makes me cry even just typing it. Her chains are GONE!!! She is FREE!!!
Thank you, God, for ending her pain and suffering. I know You will comfort us as we begin ours.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Continuation
We are still hanging in there.
Mom is going more downhill every day. She has fewer and fewer lucid moments. She is barely understandable most of the time, then other times she is very clear in what she says.
We are still finding humor in all this. Mom's personality that we know and love so much is still very much intact.
Yesterday, Pete and I were taking care of her and just holding her hands while Dad ran a few errands and Kathy and Robert were upstairs. Mom kinda came to for just a few minutes, asking who was all there. We told her that it was us. She said "I'm tired of talking to you. Can you find anyone else?" We did laugh at that, quietly.
Basically, though, we are all just hanging around, talking to her when she is awake and lucid, trying to make her keep her clothes on (no one ever told me that people in the last days of their lives try to strip continually!!!) and just going along with whatever she says.
Quote of the day from yesterday:
Kathy "Nicole, could you please come over here and convince your mother to stop stripping?"
Me "Momma, lets keep your gown on until the lady gets here so we can take a bath, ok?"
Mom "But I'm not gonna be embarassed!"
Really, it was pretty funny. Dad said he never knew Mom had a voyeuristic side to her!!
I think you have to find humor in all this, or else you spend the entire time crying. And there is plenty of that going on as it is!!
Hailey has decided to come home for a while. Even though TCU is only a 20 minute drive away, she felt like she wanted to be home for this. She said that she doesn't want to be in class, or even worse in marching practice where she can't leave, when she gets the call that Mom is gone. We get it. Dad isn't working for now, his bosses have graciously given him the time off that he needs. Kathy has rescheduled her clients, and Robert has cleared it with his boss to be off and here. Depending on how the rest of the weekend goes, I might go back to work Tuesday, I might not. Right now I'm leaning towards not, but Pete wants me to go unless it is the Very End. I really would rather be here with my family, with my mom.
Occasionally, Mom will recognize me, and when she does, she gives lots of hugs and kisses. I know I won't be able to have too many more of those hugs and kisses, so it's OK that she showers me with them right now. Even though it does make me cry, which she doesn't understand. Mostly she will recognize Dad, or Granny and PawPaw. Last night, she wanted to sit with Dad, so he pulled a chair over to the hospital bed and put his arm around her. She dozed off, leaning against his arm. It was very sweet.
Growing up, I knew Mom and Dad loved each other, but I never saw them as more than my parents. Now, I am seeing them as the couple they are. Dad loves her so much, and this is just killing him. She will wake up and kiss him frequently. If he isn't in the room, she asks for "my Phil." He always comes running.
Please continue to pray for us. We know the time is drawing near when we will lose her. In some ways it will be a relief to finally have this over, to know she is no longer in pain. She is ready. She has earned her reward.
Mom is going more downhill every day. She has fewer and fewer lucid moments. She is barely understandable most of the time, then other times she is very clear in what she says.
We are still finding humor in all this. Mom's personality that we know and love so much is still very much intact.
Yesterday, Pete and I were taking care of her and just holding her hands while Dad ran a few errands and Kathy and Robert were upstairs. Mom kinda came to for just a few minutes, asking who was all there. We told her that it was us. She said "I'm tired of talking to you. Can you find anyone else?" We did laugh at that, quietly.
Basically, though, we are all just hanging around, talking to her when she is awake and lucid, trying to make her keep her clothes on (no one ever told me that people in the last days of their lives try to strip continually!!!) and just going along with whatever she says.
Quote of the day from yesterday:
Kathy "Nicole, could you please come over here and convince your mother to stop stripping?"
Me "Momma, lets keep your gown on until the lady gets here so we can take a bath, ok?"
Mom "But I'm not gonna be embarassed!"
Really, it was pretty funny. Dad said he never knew Mom had a voyeuristic side to her!!
I think you have to find humor in all this, or else you spend the entire time crying. And there is plenty of that going on as it is!!
Hailey has decided to come home for a while. Even though TCU is only a 20 minute drive away, she felt like she wanted to be home for this. She said that she doesn't want to be in class, or even worse in marching practice where she can't leave, when she gets the call that Mom is gone. We get it. Dad isn't working for now, his bosses have graciously given him the time off that he needs. Kathy has rescheduled her clients, and Robert has cleared it with his boss to be off and here. Depending on how the rest of the weekend goes, I might go back to work Tuesday, I might not. Right now I'm leaning towards not, but Pete wants me to go unless it is the Very End. I really would rather be here with my family, with my mom.
Occasionally, Mom will recognize me, and when she does, she gives lots of hugs and kisses. I know I won't be able to have too many more of those hugs and kisses, so it's OK that she showers me with them right now. Even though it does make me cry, which she doesn't understand. Mostly she will recognize Dad, or Granny and PawPaw. Last night, she wanted to sit with Dad, so he pulled a chair over to the hospital bed and put his arm around her. She dozed off, leaning against his arm. It was very sweet.
Growing up, I knew Mom and Dad loved each other, but I never saw them as more than my parents. Now, I am seeing them as the couple they are. Dad loves her so much, and this is just killing him. She will wake up and kiss him frequently. If he isn't in the room, she asks for "my Phil." He always comes running.
Please continue to pray for us. We know the time is drawing near when we will lose her. In some ways it will be a relief to finally have this over, to know she is no longer in pain. She is ready. She has earned her reward.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
On the Downhill Slope
Things have changed dramatically since Friday.
Mom is having trouble remembering her nouns, including names, places, etc. She kept asking for her pickles tonight, and really meant her eyeglasses. She also told Hailey that she wanted applesauce, then when Hailey questioned her, she kissed Hay on the cheek and said "Applesauce! That's what I wanted!!" So now my sister and I may have a sweet inside joke.
For the woman who can talk paint off the walls, she can't even put a coherent sentence together. Or, if she can do one, she can't say more than 2 or 3. We are having to have REALLY short conversations.
I don't think she's in pain. I think she is making perfect sense to herself. I know that in the very end-stage of cancer, the brain gets all confused on nouns.
Yes, I did just say the very end-stage. Without a miracle, I think we are there.
Strangely, I think we are all at peace about this. Obviously, I don't want my mom to die. I love her so much. But quite frankly, and anyone who has seen her since Staurday can verify this, she is not the woman who raised me. This is NOT my mom. I mean, it is obviously her body. But this, this shriveled little lady who can't make a complete coherent thought or take a bath without freaking out (scared the home health aide to death I think!!), this is not mom.
I'm not happy at the idea of her leaving us. Please don't misunderstand me. There have been more tears shed in the last month than in the last 2 years. I am completely devastated, as we all are.
But there is a certain peace that has flowed through all of us. It truly is the Peace That Passes Understanding. Because there is no logical reason that we should have peace right now. God is showing me how much He defies logic.
So many people right now are asking us what they can do. Frankly, here is a list.
1. If you are not a Christian, please, talk to someone. A pastor, a friend, heck, email me. While I would NEVER wish this experience on ANYONE, my faith has not been shaken once, it has actually held firm and grown through this. If you are a Christian, it is my deepest hope that you will take a cue from Mom, and tell others. I have been challenged by my mother's actions, that if she can witness to someone on her deathbed, how much more can I do?
2. Do anything and everything you can to avoid cancer. Wear sunscreen. Buy organic when possible and not outrageously more expensive. Make your household cleaners, or use the "earth friendly" ones. I am by no means a tree-hugger or jumping on the global warming bandwagon (I have too much of a science background to believe 99% of that stuff) but the truth is, we consume SO MANY chemicals every single day that we don't think about, and we don't know what all the long term effects are. Lose weight if you need to. In my family, cancer is extremely prevalent. My generation (Hailey, Eric, and myself) are the ONLY generation not yet affected by cancer - on BOTH SIDES. We have vowed to to everything possible, within reason, to avoid having to put our families through this in 30 years. Gosh, in my case, only 20.
3. Pray for us. I have repeatedly asked for prayer. I know so many of you are praying for our family, and I appreciate it. We can feel it. God is giving us strength and peace. We will need much prayer in the days to come, because without divine intervention, and FAST, I simply don't see how Mom will make it very many more days.
So, there you have it. My wish list of things that everyone can do to help us. Maybe it seems simple, and it is, but if everyone who reads this will do these things, we will see a huge change, not only in ourselves, but in our families, our workplaces, and just in our lives in general.
Mom is having trouble remembering her nouns, including names, places, etc. She kept asking for her pickles tonight, and really meant her eyeglasses. She also told Hailey that she wanted applesauce, then when Hailey questioned her, she kissed Hay on the cheek and said "Applesauce! That's what I wanted!!" So now my sister and I may have a sweet inside joke.
For the woman who can talk paint off the walls, she can't even put a coherent sentence together. Or, if she can do one, she can't say more than 2 or 3. We are having to have REALLY short conversations.
I don't think she's in pain. I think she is making perfect sense to herself. I know that in the very end-stage of cancer, the brain gets all confused on nouns.
Yes, I did just say the very end-stage. Without a miracle, I think we are there.
Strangely, I think we are all at peace about this. Obviously, I don't want my mom to die. I love her so much. But quite frankly, and anyone who has seen her since Staurday can verify this, she is not the woman who raised me. This is NOT my mom. I mean, it is obviously her body. But this, this shriveled little lady who can't make a complete coherent thought or take a bath without freaking out (scared the home health aide to death I think!!), this is not mom.
I'm not happy at the idea of her leaving us. Please don't misunderstand me. There have been more tears shed in the last month than in the last 2 years. I am completely devastated, as we all are.
But there is a certain peace that has flowed through all of us. It truly is the Peace That Passes Understanding. Because there is no logical reason that we should have peace right now. God is showing me how much He defies logic.
So many people right now are asking us what they can do. Frankly, here is a list.
1. If you are not a Christian, please, talk to someone. A pastor, a friend, heck, email me. While I would NEVER wish this experience on ANYONE, my faith has not been shaken once, it has actually held firm and grown through this. If you are a Christian, it is my deepest hope that you will take a cue from Mom, and tell others. I have been challenged by my mother's actions, that if she can witness to someone on her deathbed, how much more can I do?
2. Do anything and everything you can to avoid cancer. Wear sunscreen. Buy organic when possible and not outrageously more expensive. Make your household cleaners, or use the "earth friendly" ones. I am by no means a tree-hugger or jumping on the global warming bandwagon (I have too much of a science background to believe 99% of that stuff) but the truth is, we consume SO MANY chemicals every single day that we don't think about, and we don't know what all the long term effects are. Lose weight if you need to. In my family, cancer is extremely prevalent. My generation (Hailey, Eric, and myself) are the ONLY generation not yet affected by cancer - on BOTH SIDES. We have vowed to to everything possible, within reason, to avoid having to put our families through this in 30 years. Gosh, in my case, only 20.
3. Pray for us. I have repeatedly asked for prayer. I know so many of you are praying for our family, and I appreciate it. We can feel it. God is giving us strength and peace. We will need much prayer in the days to come, because without divine intervention, and FAST, I simply don't see how Mom will make it very many more days.
So, there you have it. My wish list of things that everyone can do to help us. Maybe it seems simple, and it is, but if everyone who reads this will do these things, we will see a huge change, not only in ourselves, but in our families, our workplaces, and just in our lives in general.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Hanging in There
I know I haven't posted in a week, sorry. Things really haven't changed that much.
We've spent much of the past week just hanging out. Pete has been helping out with Mom during the days, especially went Kathy went back to Santa Fe for a couple of days, and I've been over in the afternoons and evenings. Work has been slow, what with it being the first week of school and all, so I've actually gotten off at lunchtime two different days this week!
Mom has a health care aide who comes over 2-3 times a week to help her bathe, plus when Cissy is here, Kathy and Peter/I/Granny/Dad change the bedding. The nurse comes out 2 times a week too, to check on the ostomy bags and IV's and stuff. We are checking on more antibiotics for the infection which seems to be becoming chronic.
Like I sais last time, we are just adjusting to this new normal.
Mom is sleeping a little more each day. Hospice told us that is what should be happening. They did lower some of her meds just a little, because she is developing twitches from being on such high doses for a prolonged period of time. They also added a medication to help her sleep a little better, and it definitely does. It also makes her just a little loopy.
We really shouldn't be laughing at her, but she has said stuff about giving the dog a cell phone, having conversations with the air, asking if we need to text people when someone comes out of the bathroom, stuff like that. I felt a bit bad about laughing, but then I noticed my dad was laughing so hard that his shoulders were shaking. So, I guess we are just going to laugh. Not to be mean or anything, but seriously, some of this is hilarious.
I'm still noticing her go downhill just a little bit each day. She is mumbling in her sleep, like she is having conversations with someone. I remember Auntie doing that shortly before she passed away, so it always is slightly unnerving. Mom is only the 2nd person that I have really sat and watched this happen with, so in my very limited experience, I'm just comparing the two situations in my head.
Mom told Kathy last night that she wants to get her friends together to let them divide her stamping and craft stuff among them. I don't think I'm really ready for that. I mean, it will never be easy, but I just am not ready to watch her stuff disappear out of the house yet. She's already talked to us kids about what she wants each of us to have, but we all 3 firmly refuse to take anything for now. For Pete's sake, she's still here! To me, and to all 3 of us kids, it feels very disrespectful to start that stuff now. There will be plenty of time to divide stuff up later.
Being caught up in all this, we kinda get tunnel vision. I will occasionally almost forget that there is an end in sight here, or that there is even a world going on outside. Pete and I went to dinner a few nights ago, and it is just so odd to be in public with people laughing, and talking, and going on about their daily lives. I think I wrote about this before, but one night we went to one of my favorite restaurants, and happened to be seated next to the only group in the whole place celebrating a birthday - their Mom's. We were nearly finished by the time they were singing happy birthday, but I still had my tostada in my hand, and when they started singing "happy birthday MOM" I think I just dropped my food and walked out. Hopefully it won't be like this forever.
I got to have the most LOVELY conversation (insert sarcasm here) with my grandmother the other day. She told me that I have been selfish to not have kids yet, that I was denying my Mom her dream of being a grandmother, and now she is dying. I understand that she is grieving, we all are. I kindly explained to her that EVERYONE, grandparents included, encouraged us to NOT have kids till we were completely finished with school, which JUST HAPPENED. Plus, if God wanted us to have kids right now, we would, birth control or no. I then went on to explain that if I were to get pregnant right now, it would be very unhealthy, as I'm forgetting to eat and drink, and having to be reminded to do so. I couldn't even fathom it. I feel like if I got pregnant now, I would be doing my child a HUGE disservice, becuase I couldn't be totally focused. Honestly, with all this going on, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up miscarrying just because of all the stress. Yeah, that's one conversation I NEVER want to have again. Next time, my response will be something like "We've already discussed this."
Pray that we don't all start losing our tempers with each other. Everyone is starting to get short fuses. We've had LOTS of family time, LOTS. ALL of the grandparents are forgetting to put in, or turn on, or turn up, their hearing aids. We're getting lots of "Huh?" "What?" "What'd you say?" shouted at us, even when Mom is trying to sleep. Usually we can kinda laugh it off, but it's getting REALLY old, REALLY fast.
Please continue to pray for us. Thankfully we are having some definite moments we can laugh at, but we are all starting to hit the breaking point.
We've spent much of the past week just hanging out. Pete has been helping out with Mom during the days, especially went Kathy went back to Santa Fe for a couple of days, and I've been over in the afternoons and evenings. Work has been slow, what with it being the first week of school and all, so I've actually gotten off at lunchtime two different days this week!
Mom has a health care aide who comes over 2-3 times a week to help her bathe, plus when Cissy is here, Kathy and Peter/I/Granny/Dad change the bedding. The nurse comes out 2 times a week too, to check on the ostomy bags and IV's and stuff. We are checking on more antibiotics for the infection which seems to be becoming chronic.
Like I sais last time, we are just adjusting to this new normal.
Mom is sleeping a little more each day. Hospice told us that is what should be happening. They did lower some of her meds just a little, because she is developing twitches from being on such high doses for a prolonged period of time. They also added a medication to help her sleep a little better, and it definitely does. It also makes her just a little loopy.
We really shouldn't be laughing at her, but she has said stuff about giving the dog a cell phone, having conversations with the air, asking if we need to text people when someone comes out of the bathroom, stuff like that. I felt a bit bad about laughing, but then I noticed my dad was laughing so hard that his shoulders were shaking. So, I guess we are just going to laugh. Not to be mean or anything, but seriously, some of this is hilarious.
I'm still noticing her go downhill just a little bit each day. She is mumbling in her sleep, like she is having conversations with someone. I remember Auntie doing that shortly before she passed away, so it always is slightly unnerving. Mom is only the 2nd person that I have really sat and watched this happen with, so in my very limited experience, I'm just comparing the two situations in my head.
Mom told Kathy last night that she wants to get her friends together to let them divide her stamping and craft stuff among them. I don't think I'm really ready for that. I mean, it will never be easy, but I just am not ready to watch her stuff disappear out of the house yet. She's already talked to us kids about what she wants each of us to have, but we all 3 firmly refuse to take anything for now. For Pete's sake, she's still here! To me, and to all 3 of us kids, it feels very disrespectful to start that stuff now. There will be plenty of time to divide stuff up later.
Being caught up in all this, we kinda get tunnel vision. I will occasionally almost forget that there is an end in sight here, or that there is even a world going on outside. Pete and I went to dinner a few nights ago, and it is just so odd to be in public with people laughing, and talking, and going on about their daily lives. I think I wrote about this before, but one night we went to one of my favorite restaurants, and happened to be seated next to the only group in the whole place celebrating a birthday - their Mom's. We were nearly finished by the time they were singing happy birthday, but I still had my tostada in my hand, and when they started singing "happy birthday MOM" I think I just dropped my food and walked out. Hopefully it won't be like this forever.
I got to have the most LOVELY conversation (insert sarcasm here) with my grandmother the other day. She told me that I have been selfish to not have kids yet, that I was denying my Mom her dream of being a grandmother, and now she is dying. I understand that she is grieving, we all are. I kindly explained to her that EVERYONE, grandparents included, encouraged us to NOT have kids till we were completely finished with school, which JUST HAPPENED. Plus, if God wanted us to have kids right now, we would, birth control or no. I then went on to explain that if I were to get pregnant right now, it would be very unhealthy, as I'm forgetting to eat and drink, and having to be reminded to do so. I couldn't even fathom it. I feel like if I got pregnant now, I would be doing my child a HUGE disservice, becuase I couldn't be totally focused. Honestly, with all this going on, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up miscarrying just because of all the stress. Yeah, that's one conversation I NEVER want to have again. Next time, my response will be something like "We've already discussed this."
Pray that we don't all start losing our tempers with each other. Everyone is starting to get short fuses. We've had LOTS of family time, LOTS. ALL of the grandparents are forgetting to put in, or turn on, or turn up, their hearing aids. We're getting lots of "Huh?" "What?" "What'd you say?" shouted at us, even when Mom is trying to sleep. Usually we can kinda laugh it off, but it's getting REALLY old, REALLY fast.
Please continue to pray for us. Thankfully we are having some definite moments we can laugh at, but we are all starting to hit the breaking point.
Friday, August 21, 2009
A New Normal, For Now
Mom seems to be doing well.
I got in trouble for stealing her blow dryer...but to be fair, I had to! I left mine at the hospital when I took it up there for her last week. I now have mine back, but kinda forgot to return hers...whoops!
When I am getting fussed at for stealing her blow dryer, I know she is feeling better. :-)
The oncologist told Mom that he wants to see her in his office in a couple of weeks. So I'm guessing this maybe changes our prognosis back to the 3-6 months we were given about 2 weeks ago? I'm certainly not arguing the extra time we are getting!
Zoe was SOOO happy to have Mom home. Pete helped to move her back home. He said the dog was excited, but as soon as they got Mom in the house, she just curled up and went to sleep. I think we all expected to see Miss Pup just go ballistic. Dogs are pretty smart, though, and I think she can tell that something isn't right. After all, Mom is laying/reclining in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room. Not the normal status quo for their house.
I decided to go back to work. There isn't really much for me to do at their house. Pete and I (but mostly Pete) have been working on cleaning our house today. Since he doesn't have a job right now, it's kinda important that I work enough to keep some money coming in. Bills don't stop just because your mom is sick. My office has been really good to me. They let me come back Tuesday, and just do a half-day. My plan was to do half-days this week, but one of the other doctors' daughter got sick, and since Mom is doing well, I volunteered to go on and just work my normal days. It's really been nice. They've kept me busy, but not swamped. I only felt just a little overwhelmed the first day. So I've really only missed one and a half days more than we originally planned, since I was already scheduled to be off the whole week of Disney.
I guess for now, we are just adjusting to our new version of normal.
Oh, I am also supposed to tell everyone that Mom wants visitors. Now that she is settled in at home, she wants people to continue to come by. For those who don't know where they live, send me an email (nbranca@charter.net) and I will let you know.
Continue to pray for us, as we begin to adjust our lives to this pattern.
I got in trouble for stealing her blow dryer...but to be fair, I had to! I left mine at the hospital when I took it up there for her last week. I now have mine back, but kinda forgot to return hers...whoops!
When I am getting fussed at for stealing her blow dryer, I know she is feeling better. :-)
The oncologist told Mom that he wants to see her in his office in a couple of weeks. So I'm guessing this maybe changes our prognosis back to the 3-6 months we were given about 2 weeks ago? I'm certainly not arguing the extra time we are getting!
Zoe was SOOO happy to have Mom home. Pete helped to move her back home. He said the dog was excited, but as soon as they got Mom in the house, she just curled up and went to sleep. I think we all expected to see Miss Pup just go ballistic. Dogs are pretty smart, though, and I think she can tell that something isn't right. After all, Mom is laying/reclining in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room. Not the normal status quo for their house.
I decided to go back to work. There isn't really much for me to do at their house. Pete and I (but mostly Pete) have been working on cleaning our house today. Since he doesn't have a job right now, it's kinda important that I work enough to keep some money coming in. Bills don't stop just because your mom is sick. My office has been really good to me. They let me come back Tuesday, and just do a half-day. My plan was to do half-days this week, but one of the other doctors' daughter got sick, and since Mom is doing well, I volunteered to go on and just work my normal days. It's really been nice. They've kept me busy, but not swamped. I only felt just a little overwhelmed the first day. So I've really only missed one and a half days more than we originally planned, since I was already scheduled to be off the whole week of Disney.
I guess for now, we are just adjusting to our new version of normal.
Oh, I am also supposed to tell everyone that Mom wants visitors. Now that she is settled in at home, she wants people to continue to come by. For those who don't know where they live, send me an email (nbranca@charter.net) and I will let you know.
Continue to pray for us, as we begin to adjust our lives to this pattern.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Moving Again
Apparently, you CAN do too well.
The hospice in the hospital is kicking us out! Mom is doing really well right now. They basically told her that since she is not critical, she has to go home.
We have set up all the hospice stuff for the house. Well, we didn't, VITAS did. Dad moved a loveseat out of the living room so we can put the hospital bed in its place. We have an IV pole, a wheelchair, a hospital bed with air mattress, oxygen tanks, all the stuff you normally find in a hospital...in the house...which is odd.
The doctor did end up putting Mom on an antibiotic for the infection. I spoke with him on Sunday and was pretty insistent on it. He didn't seem to have an issue with it, other than the fact that she had already been on one for several days. My basic response was, "well, that one obviously wasn't working, so lets try one that will work." The nurse today said the culture came back saying it was yeast, not bacteria. I've never seen a yeast infection act like that, but I've also never seen one anywhere other than the usual places, and this is most definitely an UNusual place for one! She was going to double-check that though.
Mom is actually pretty happy to be moving home. She can still have visitors (though we are discouraging them for moving day) without disturbing the rest of the floor. Let me tell you, our bunch can get pretty noisy! She also gets her puppy back! Zoe will be SOOOO happy to have Mom home. We are a little concerned about how she will be since she basically has only seen Mom for about 2 hours in the past 2 weeks. But Dad seems to think that she will be hyper for a few minutes, then just curl up with her mommy.
They did increase Mom's dosage of pain meds. She was pushing the button a little more frequently than they necessarily would have liked, but no where NEAR the max she is allowed to. So we will be monitoring that closely.
We can move back to the hospice unit once she begins to get critical. When we can no longer manage her at home, we will just call VITAS and they will transport her back.
We know that this is a temporary thing. We are well aware that, without a major miracle, this is going to end with Mom dying. However, I believe in a God who works MAJOR MIRACLES. I believe that, if He chooses, Mom will get better or be healed. I also believe that sometimes the best healing is to be removed from this earth, and be reunited later. God knows best. I might not always agree with His methods, but I can't argue with the end result.
Continue to pray for us. I am seeing a change in my brother that I never thought I would see. He is becoming more interested in the things of God, something he hasn't been terribly interested in for nearly 10 years. He is a Christian, but has made a few slip ups. As have all of us. Pray that he continues to journey more along the road God has chosen for him, rather than his own road. Pray that we will continue to be able to enjoy this time with Mom, and that she will be able to have her pain adequately controlled. Pray that, if it be His will, she will be healed, and if that is not His will, that she will be comfortable. Pray for healing for us, because there is not much of a faster way to a broken heart than by watching your mom slowly die.
As always, we appreciate your prayers.
The hospice in the hospital is kicking us out! Mom is doing really well right now. They basically told her that since she is not critical, she has to go home.
We have set up all the hospice stuff for the house. Well, we didn't, VITAS did. Dad moved a loveseat out of the living room so we can put the hospital bed in its place. We have an IV pole, a wheelchair, a hospital bed with air mattress, oxygen tanks, all the stuff you normally find in a hospital...in the house...which is odd.
The doctor did end up putting Mom on an antibiotic for the infection. I spoke with him on Sunday and was pretty insistent on it. He didn't seem to have an issue with it, other than the fact that she had already been on one for several days. My basic response was, "well, that one obviously wasn't working, so lets try one that will work." The nurse today said the culture came back saying it was yeast, not bacteria. I've never seen a yeast infection act like that, but I've also never seen one anywhere other than the usual places, and this is most definitely an UNusual place for one! She was going to double-check that though.
Mom is actually pretty happy to be moving home. She can still have visitors (though we are discouraging them for moving day) without disturbing the rest of the floor. Let me tell you, our bunch can get pretty noisy! She also gets her puppy back! Zoe will be SOOOO happy to have Mom home. We are a little concerned about how she will be since she basically has only seen Mom for about 2 hours in the past 2 weeks. But Dad seems to think that she will be hyper for a few minutes, then just curl up with her mommy.
They did increase Mom's dosage of pain meds. She was pushing the button a little more frequently than they necessarily would have liked, but no where NEAR the max she is allowed to. So we will be monitoring that closely.
We can move back to the hospice unit once she begins to get critical. When we can no longer manage her at home, we will just call VITAS and they will transport her back.
We know that this is a temporary thing. We are well aware that, without a major miracle, this is going to end with Mom dying. However, I believe in a God who works MAJOR MIRACLES. I believe that, if He chooses, Mom will get better or be healed. I also believe that sometimes the best healing is to be removed from this earth, and be reunited later. God knows best. I might not always agree with His methods, but I can't argue with the end result.
Continue to pray for us. I am seeing a change in my brother that I never thought I would see. He is becoming more interested in the things of God, something he hasn't been terribly interested in for nearly 10 years. He is a Christian, but has made a few slip ups. As have all of us. Pray that he continues to journey more along the road God has chosen for him, rather than his own road. Pray that we will continue to be able to enjoy this time with Mom, and that she will be able to have her pain adequately controlled. Pray that, if it be His will, she will be healed, and if that is not His will, that she will be comfortable. Pray for healing for us, because there is not much of a faster way to a broken heart than by watching your mom slowly die.
As always, we appreciate your prayers.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
This is the Scary Part
Mom got moved today.
We moved from the palliative care unit to hospice. We knew this was coming.
I wish we could have stayed at palliative care, but there is a time limit on how long you may stay. At palliative care, she could still get IV antibiotics, pain meds, etc. Currently, at hospice, she is only getting IV pain meds, and they are actually bending the rules so she can have them. We explained to them that as she is unable to absorb almost anything taken orally, including food, that the oral pain meds would be insufficient and therefore negate what hospice is there for.
We are nervous about this.
Mom dehydrates so quickly once her IV's are gone. She did fine with removing her "milkshake" IV (the nutrition) and actually ate about 1/4 of her soup for lunch. She asked for grilled cheese for dinner, so Dad and I picked it up from Panera's, along with some baked potato soup. I guess I'll find out in the morning how it went.
She has an infection at the moment, in the area where the surgeon repaired her perforation last Saturday (oh my Lord, has it really only been a week?). When he removed her drain in that area yesterday, there was all sorts of lovely stuff coming out. I know most people reading this aren't medically oriented, so I'll just say it was really gross. I have helped the nurses to clean it several times over the past 2 days, and more gunk keeps leaking out. That's the medical term for it. :-)
I'm concerned about this infection. I know that people who die from this cancer die from the complications, such as not being able to absorb the nutrients from food, or their small intestine closing off, etc. I can accept that, in theory. However, I absolutely REFUSE to accept my mother dying from a perfectly treatable infection. I am aware that hospice has to play by certain rules. But I feel that treating infections should be part of their job. It is certainly part of mine.
We really only have to wait till tomorrow for the hospice Dr to look at it and make a decision, it just feels like so long. I am also slightly irritated that the oncologist we have been using who is in charge of this hospice unit will not be here for the next week or so. He was why we picked this unit. I know he needs a vacation too, believe me I get it. It would just be really nice to have continuity of care rather than ANOTHER new doctor.
I guess the longer this goes on, the more stress I am feeling and the shorter my fuse gets. I suppose it's normal, whatever normal is at this point.
Pray that our fears will be alleviated. Pray that Mom won't be in pain. Pray that this infection clears up. Pray that we can make it.
My dad says the most appropriate things. This one he has said before, but he repeated it tonight, and it is exceptionally appropriate. God knows how much we can handle, which proves He knows me better than I do.
We moved from the palliative care unit to hospice. We knew this was coming.
I wish we could have stayed at palliative care, but there is a time limit on how long you may stay. At palliative care, she could still get IV antibiotics, pain meds, etc. Currently, at hospice, she is only getting IV pain meds, and they are actually bending the rules so she can have them. We explained to them that as she is unable to absorb almost anything taken orally, including food, that the oral pain meds would be insufficient and therefore negate what hospice is there for.
We are nervous about this.
Mom dehydrates so quickly once her IV's are gone. She did fine with removing her "milkshake" IV (the nutrition) and actually ate about 1/4 of her soup for lunch. She asked for grilled cheese for dinner, so Dad and I picked it up from Panera's, along with some baked potato soup. I guess I'll find out in the morning how it went.
She has an infection at the moment, in the area where the surgeon repaired her perforation last Saturday (oh my Lord, has it really only been a week?). When he removed her drain in that area yesterday, there was all sorts of lovely stuff coming out. I know most people reading this aren't medically oriented, so I'll just say it was really gross. I have helped the nurses to clean it several times over the past 2 days, and more gunk keeps leaking out. That's the medical term for it. :-)
I'm concerned about this infection. I know that people who die from this cancer die from the complications, such as not being able to absorb the nutrients from food, or their small intestine closing off, etc. I can accept that, in theory. However, I absolutely REFUSE to accept my mother dying from a perfectly treatable infection. I am aware that hospice has to play by certain rules. But I feel that treating infections should be part of their job. It is certainly part of mine.
We really only have to wait till tomorrow for the hospice Dr to look at it and make a decision, it just feels like so long. I am also slightly irritated that the oncologist we have been using who is in charge of this hospice unit will not be here for the next week or so. He was why we picked this unit. I know he needs a vacation too, believe me I get it. It would just be really nice to have continuity of care rather than ANOTHER new doctor.
I guess the longer this goes on, the more stress I am feeling and the shorter my fuse gets. I suppose it's normal, whatever normal is at this point.
Pray that our fears will be alleviated. Pray that Mom won't be in pain. Pray that this infection clears up. Pray that we can make it.
My dad says the most appropriate things. This one he has said before, but he repeated it tonight, and it is exceptionally appropriate. God knows how much we can handle, which proves He knows me better than I do.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Moving
It looks like we are moving tomorrow.
Not Pete and I, but Mom. Tomorrow we will be moving to hospice.
The palliative care unit has been very kind to us. Mom has had TONS of visitors, and they have been very patient with us. Besides just our family (of 10) we have had over 100 visitors in the past 3 days.
So many people love my mom. It is so obvious how much she has influenced people throughout her life. We have had friends from Mom's childhood, friends from church, friends from the neighborhood, friends from the past 30 years. It has truly been a blessing.
This has been the best, but most difficult thing to go through. Mom is getting a chance to say goodbye to everyone. We are getting a chance to tell her how much we love her.
If you have ever heard the song "Thank You for Giving to the Lord," you know that the end of the song talks about people lining up for miles to tell how much the person means to them. I know that once she gets to heaven, she will have that line. We are being blessed by getting to witness a little bit of that here.
The next step is that they will remove Mom's feeding tube. She has been getting liquid nutrition through a port for the last few days. She is getting to move to a full liquid diet, which means she can eat strawberry sherbet, and she is excited about that! We know, and she knows, that she still won't be absorbing the nutrition, and her body is continuing to shut down. But at least she is comfortable.
The hospice place is at least close to where we currently are. It is at the hospital we normally have been at up to this point. Different area, but the same hospital. It is also run by the oncologist who has been Mom's doctor through all of the illness. So we are pleased with the continuity of care.
I know that this seems random and jumpy. Please bear with me. My head is all over the place. I can't really keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of minutes, or even follow a train of thought. Continue to keep us in your prayers. We will make it, it's just REALLY stressful.
Not Pete and I, but Mom. Tomorrow we will be moving to hospice.
The palliative care unit has been very kind to us. Mom has had TONS of visitors, and they have been very patient with us. Besides just our family (of 10) we have had over 100 visitors in the past 3 days.
So many people love my mom. It is so obvious how much she has influenced people throughout her life. We have had friends from Mom's childhood, friends from church, friends from the neighborhood, friends from the past 30 years. It has truly been a blessing.
This has been the best, but most difficult thing to go through. Mom is getting a chance to say goodbye to everyone. We are getting a chance to tell her how much we love her.
If you have ever heard the song "Thank You for Giving to the Lord," you know that the end of the song talks about people lining up for miles to tell how much the person means to them. I know that once she gets to heaven, she will have that line. We are being blessed by getting to witness a little bit of that here.
The next step is that they will remove Mom's feeding tube. She has been getting liquid nutrition through a port for the last few days. She is getting to move to a full liquid diet, which means she can eat strawberry sherbet, and she is excited about that! We know, and she knows, that she still won't be absorbing the nutrition, and her body is continuing to shut down. But at least she is comfortable.
The hospice place is at least close to where we currently are. It is at the hospital we normally have been at up to this point. Different area, but the same hospital. It is also run by the oncologist who has been Mom's doctor through all of the illness. So we are pleased with the continuity of care.
I know that this seems random and jumpy. Please bear with me. My head is all over the place. I can't really keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of minutes, or even follow a train of thought. Continue to keep us in your prayers. We will make it, it's just REALLY stressful.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Update
We made it home. Thank you American Airlines for accommodating us so quickly. We landed in DFW at 8:20 am, after possibly the longest night of my life.
I have been at the hospital since about 9:20 this morning. Let me just explain how we got here.
Dr Ruxer, the oncologist, came in yesterday and told Mom and Dad that the mass around her small intestines is tumor, not infection. This tumor is crushing the small intestines, and absorbing all the nutrients. This is why, no matter how much she eats and drinks, she is dehydrated and loses weight. It's simply feeding the tumor.
The tumors being this advanced, we are out of options. She is in palliative care at the hospital, with a possibility of being transferred to hospice. Maybe at home, maybe at a facility. I have a feeling God will make that choice for us. We are merely trying to keep her comfortable. Rather than 3-6 months, we were told that she has days to weeks, most likely just a few days. She WILL NOT starve to death, the tumors will just make her body shut down one system at a time. It will be very painful for her.
I spoke to Dad last night after spending the day at the Magic Kingdom. When he told me the news, Pete and I felt we had no choice but to come home. Actually, Pete made that decision all by himself. I was frankly in no shape to make any decision bigger than placing one foot in front of the other.
I'm really glad we are here. The 2 days we had of vacation were wonderful, and I actually don't regret going. We needed it. We are going to need it more after the next week or so.
I had the chance to sit with Mom for a long time today, and just talk. Lots of people are stopping by the hospital, so we're getting a lot of opportunities to reminisce. Lots of tears, on all parts.
Mom is OK with this. Remember, she gets the good part. Yes, she has to suffer for now, but she gets the good stuff pretty quickly. We are the ones who will have to suffer for the rest of our lives without her. She told me a few weeks ago that she was ready.
Last night, while Pete and I were frantically trying to get home, Mom was given the opportunity to witness to one of her very dear friends. She has been trying to witness to this lady for about 12 years, with no success. Last night, Regina became a Christian. Regina, if you are reading this, please know that I am SO PROUD of you for this decision.
I feel like this was maybe the "last thing" Mom was supposed to do before she goes.
Mom is in pretty good spirits. She's OK with crying, just not hysterics. Most of us aren't hysteric-prone anyway.
The rest of this week is REALLY going to stink though. For one of the first times in my life, I am praying that God will just slow down the clock, let me get one more conversation, one more hug or kiss, one more chance to tell her how much I love her.
Maybe one day the hole that is in my chest will heal, but for now it feels pretty much like a permanent fixture. I'm tired of crying and hurting all the time. I have no choice though. The tears just keep coming, and the hole just keeps throbbing.
I know that I ask this every time, but please continue to pray for us. My grandparents are dying of grief over their baby girl. My daddy is losing his soul mate. My uncle is losing his big sister. Eric, Hay, and I are losing our mommy. Pete adores my mom, and so does Robert (Hay's BF). I think Pete has cried as much as I have.
Through it, we have a peace that she's going to be OK, that this IS part of God's Perfect Will. It's us that we're worried about.
I have been at the hospital since about 9:20 this morning. Let me just explain how we got here.
Dr Ruxer, the oncologist, came in yesterday and told Mom and Dad that the mass around her small intestines is tumor, not infection. This tumor is crushing the small intestines, and absorbing all the nutrients. This is why, no matter how much she eats and drinks, she is dehydrated and loses weight. It's simply feeding the tumor.
The tumors being this advanced, we are out of options. She is in palliative care at the hospital, with a possibility of being transferred to hospice. Maybe at home, maybe at a facility. I have a feeling God will make that choice for us. We are merely trying to keep her comfortable. Rather than 3-6 months, we were told that she has days to weeks, most likely just a few days. She WILL NOT starve to death, the tumors will just make her body shut down one system at a time. It will be very painful for her.
I spoke to Dad last night after spending the day at the Magic Kingdom. When he told me the news, Pete and I felt we had no choice but to come home. Actually, Pete made that decision all by himself. I was frankly in no shape to make any decision bigger than placing one foot in front of the other.
I'm really glad we are here. The 2 days we had of vacation were wonderful, and I actually don't regret going. We needed it. We are going to need it more after the next week or so.
I had the chance to sit with Mom for a long time today, and just talk. Lots of people are stopping by the hospital, so we're getting a lot of opportunities to reminisce. Lots of tears, on all parts.
Mom is OK with this. Remember, she gets the good part. Yes, she has to suffer for now, but she gets the good stuff pretty quickly. We are the ones who will have to suffer for the rest of our lives without her. She told me a few weeks ago that she was ready.
Last night, while Pete and I were frantically trying to get home, Mom was given the opportunity to witness to one of her very dear friends. She has been trying to witness to this lady for about 12 years, with no success. Last night, Regina became a Christian. Regina, if you are reading this, please know that I am SO PROUD of you for this decision.
I feel like this was maybe the "last thing" Mom was supposed to do before she goes.
Mom is in pretty good spirits. She's OK with crying, just not hysterics. Most of us aren't hysteric-prone anyway.
The rest of this week is REALLY going to stink though. For one of the first times in my life, I am praying that God will just slow down the clock, let me get one more conversation, one more hug or kiss, one more chance to tell her how much I love her.
Maybe one day the hole that is in my chest will heal, but for now it feels pretty much like a permanent fixture. I'm tired of crying and hurting all the time. I have no choice though. The tears just keep coming, and the hole just keeps throbbing.
I know that I ask this every time, but please continue to pray for us. My grandparents are dying of grief over their baby girl. My daddy is losing his soul mate. My uncle is losing his big sister. Eric, Hay, and I are losing our mommy. Pete adores my mom, and so does Robert (Hay's BF). I think Pete has cried as much as I have.
Through it, we have a peace that she's going to be OK, that this IS part of God's Perfect Will. It's us that we're worried about.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Yanking the Rug Out
This is the hardest post for me to write yet.
Mom and Dad got back from SA yesterday, but she has been in unbearable pain. To the point of yelling out loud "ow ow ow!!!"
Dad took her to the ER in Fort Worth last night, after they had been home about 6 hours. They moved her to a different hospital becuase her surgeon could get her in this morning at the second one.
The decided to open Mom up to pinpoint the cause of her constant unending pain.
Her cancer has completely spread. It is covering nearly every single inch of her abdomen. There is a total of about 40 cm (just over 14 inches) of unaffected colon. She had a previous rupture of her intestine (I think) which had healed over. However, the rupture had let all the yuck out into her body. There was pus everywhere, and her intestines have become all matted together. They are completely blocked.
The doctors got her all cleaned up, but the prognosis is not good. She is in ICU for several days, and they will try to start weaning her off the ventilator. She now has a TPN for nutrition, she cannot eat solid food, except maybe yogurt or thin mashed potatoes. There is also a vent in her stomach to let out the pressure. Not a colostomy, just a vent. Mom has been very adamant about not having a colostomy bag.
Dad was given 2 options. The first was the colostomy bag. The second was the one he went with, the TPN port and pressure vent. Mom specifically doesn't want any crazy extreme measures taken to extend her life. She merely wants to be kept comfortable.
The doctors told us we have 3-6 months.
Not nearly enough time.
Currently, she is still unconscious, and will be for the next few days. Dad is meeting with a hospice nurse on Tuesday so that they can discuss setting everything up at their house if possible, rather than putting her in a facility.
I know I'm keeping this pretty clinical, but I hope everyone can understand that.
We are choosing to keep our vacation plans. My parents told us to. Frankly, I need a break, emotionally, to be able to make it through all of this. I know that the worst is yet to come. If things go downhill, I will be on the first plane out of Orlando. But right now, Pete and I both need this.
Pray for my Dad. He is so fragile right now. Mom means everything to him. I never imagined I would have to sit there and hold his hand while the surgeon told him that his wife will die, and soon. Please just pray that Mom won't be in pain.
I will obviously NOT be updating this week, but I will post again after we return.
Mom and Dad got back from SA yesterday, but she has been in unbearable pain. To the point of yelling out loud "ow ow ow!!!"
Dad took her to the ER in Fort Worth last night, after they had been home about 6 hours. They moved her to a different hospital becuase her surgeon could get her in this morning at the second one.
The decided to open Mom up to pinpoint the cause of her constant unending pain.
Her cancer has completely spread. It is covering nearly every single inch of her abdomen. There is a total of about 40 cm (just over 14 inches) of unaffected colon. She had a previous rupture of her intestine (I think) which had healed over. However, the rupture had let all the yuck out into her body. There was pus everywhere, and her intestines have become all matted together. They are completely blocked.
The doctors got her all cleaned up, but the prognosis is not good. She is in ICU for several days, and they will try to start weaning her off the ventilator. She now has a TPN for nutrition, she cannot eat solid food, except maybe yogurt or thin mashed potatoes. There is also a vent in her stomach to let out the pressure. Not a colostomy, just a vent. Mom has been very adamant about not having a colostomy bag.
Dad was given 2 options. The first was the colostomy bag. The second was the one he went with, the TPN port and pressure vent. Mom specifically doesn't want any crazy extreme measures taken to extend her life. She merely wants to be kept comfortable.
The doctors told us we have 3-6 months.
Not nearly enough time.
Currently, she is still unconscious, and will be for the next few days. Dad is meeting with a hospice nurse on Tuesday so that they can discuss setting everything up at their house if possible, rather than putting her in a facility.
I know I'm keeping this pretty clinical, but I hope everyone can understand that.
We are choosing to keep our vacation plans. My parents told us to. Frankly, I need a break, emotionally, to be able to make it through all of this. I know that the worst is yet to come. If things go downhill, I will be on the first plane out of Orlando. But right now, Pete and I both need this.
Pray for my Dad. He is so fragile right now. Mom means everything to him. I never imagined I would have to sit there and hold his hand while the surgeon told him that his wife will die, and soon. Please just pray that Mom won't be in pain.
I will obviously NOT be updating this week, but I will post again after we return.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Teach Me to Open My Big Mouth
So, apparently I spoke too soon.
Mom and Dad went back to SA yesterday for her blood test. Dad said she was complaining about hurting the whole time they were in the car. He kinda figured it was because a 5-hour car ride isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. But Mom was still complaining last night at midnight, and they got there well before dinner time.
Dad called CTRC emergency line, and they told him to bring her in to Christus Santa Rosa's ER. He did, and they waited for about 12 hours before she got a room. He said that they were well taken care of, the hospital just didn't want to assign her a room until they knew more of what the issue was.
Apparently, she has a perforation in her colon. At this point, the doctors do not believe it will require surgery, they caught it early enough. For now, the idea is that she will be in Christus Santa Rosa recieving IV's with potassium, antibiotics, and something else that will help to fix the issue. Mom told me she thinks they will get to come home Thursday.
Right now, we don't know what is the cause of the perforation. Is it the treatment? Which one? Is this something we will have to deal with regularly? Lots of questions right now.
It's pretty unnerving for me to have this happen this week. I know, it's not all about me. Mom would SOO rather never have this crap happen. Peter and I will be on vacation next week, though, in Florida. We're going to Disney with our BFF's Mike and Jess, who are moving to Nashville AS SOON as we get back. So this trip is really a big deal for us.
Frankly, after all that has happened this year so far, I NEED a vacation, desperately. I'm not the only one, I know, and I do feel somewhat guilty about leaving and not being here for Dad. However, we've had this trip planned for months. Mike and I tried to start planning it about this time last year as a surprise for Pete and Jess, but we decided around February that they needed to get let in on the fun, since they needed to interview for jobs. At that point, none of us had any idea that a) Mom would have been in the hospital this much, b) Tony (Jess' dad) would be about to undergo surgery for prostate cancer in Chattanooga, c) Mike and Jess would be about to move across the country to be closer to her family since her dad is sick, or d) that Mike would be starting at Vanderbilt the day after we return from the vacation.
Please keep all of us in your prayers. I know Dad can handle it without me, but I kinda take after Mom as being a manager of all things.
Also, keep the Connor family in your prayers. Their mom passed away today from cancer ( I can't remember what kind). I am friends with the daughter, Eric is friends with the son, and Mom has been friends with Bea (the mom, who passed away) since Erin and I were in elementary school.
I've said it before, but I will continue to emphasize...
CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!
Mom and Dad went back to SA yesterday for her blood test. Dad said she was complaining about hurting the whole time they were in the car. He kinda figured it was because a 5-hour car ride isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. But Mom was still complaining last night at midnight, and they got there well before dinner time.
Dad called CTRC emergency line, and they told him to bring her in to Christus Santa Rosa's ER. He did, and they waited for about 12 hours before she got a room. He said that they were well taken care of, the hospital just didn't want to assign her a room until they knew more of what the issue was.
Apparently, she has a perforation in her colon. At this point, the doctors do not believe it will require surgery, they caught it early enough. For now, the idea is that she will be in Christus Santa Rosa recieving IV's with potassium, antibiotics, and something else that will help to fix the issue. Mom told me she thinks they will get to come home Thursday.
Right now, we don't know what is the cause of the perforation. Is it the treatment? Which one? Is this something we will have to deal with regularly? Lots of questions right now.
It's pretty unnerving for me to have this happen this week. I know, it's not all about me. Mom would SOO rather never have this crap happen. Peter and I will be on vacation next week, though, in Florida. We're going to Disney with our BFF's Mike and Jess, who are moving to Nashville AS SOON as we get back. So this trip is really a big deal for us.
Frankly, after all that has happened this year so far, I NEED a vacation, desperately. I'm not the only one, I know, and I do feel somewhat guilty about leaving and not being here for Dad. However, we've had this trip planned for months. Mike and I tried to start planning it about this time last year as a surprise for Pete and Jess, but we decided around February that they needed to get let in on the fun, since they needed to interview for jobs. At that point, none of us had any idea that a) Mom would have been in the hospital this much, b) Tony (Jess' dad) would be about to undergo surgery for prostate cancer in Chattanooga, c) Mike and Jess would be about to move across the country to be closer to her family since her dad is sick, or d) that Mike would be starting at Vanderbilt the day after we return from the vacation.
Please keep all of us in your prayers. I know Dad can handle it without me, but I kinda take after Mom as being a manager of all things.
Also, keep the Connor family in your prayers. Their mom passed away today from cancer ( I can't remember what kind). I am friends with the daughter, Eric is friends with the son, and Mom has been friends with Bea (the mom, who passed away) since Erin and I were in elementary school.
I've said it before, but I will continue to emphasize...
CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Progress!!
THE BAR EXAM IS OVER!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I just had to throw that one out there. I know Pete is the one who has been studying and actually taking the test, but I have been absolutely stressed out over it. But he would always stress over my boards and licensing exams too, so I guess now I know how his side felt. Now, we wait till late October/early November for results.
Mom is doing great!!!
I've been waiting for months to be able to say that!
The treatment she is on at CTRC contains two medications. One is a drug that is known to work with lung cancer to shrink tumors, and one that is an experimental treatment. The first one is a pill that she takes daily, the other is an IV that she recieves every couple of weeks. She started the pills on Monday night, and it was not pretty. She called Dad, crying, saying she just couldn't do it. She was so sick. Dad was really upset, I don't think he slept the whole night. But Tuesday she was fine. Wednesday she was fine. Thursday she was fine. And every day since!!
We have discovered that if she takes the pill at 5:00 am, then goes back to bed for a couple of hours, she does just fine. Yes, she still gets tired easily. Yes, she still has pain. But it is manageable. She just takes naps. But not too long, because then she won't sleep at night. I think the anti-depressants are working for her too.
Dad asked her oncologist a few weeks ago about anti-depressants for Mom because with all the back and forth, yes and no, you're in you're out, it was tearing her up. She simply couldn't handle it. Now, after about a month on them, she is more like her old self.
I have to say, it has been a pleasure talking to Mom this week. She has been more herself this past week than she has in the past 7 months. I'm just enjoying having my Mom back.
Yes, there are some side effects to these medications, which she is concerned about. She will probably get acne again, the deep, cystic kind that you have to have prescriptions for. There is a very high possibility of anorexia, but at this point she is eating more than she has in months! The most serious side effect though, is that her immune system in totally wiped out. In fact, she had to go get her acrylic nails removed because they were growing fungus underneath. She was most unhappy about that one!! There is still the possibility of her losing her hair, but it is farther down on the list of side effects. At least she has a really cute wig! She has been getting her hair cut into that style anyway, just in case it does fall out, so it will be less noticable.
If this is the result we get with Mom on the experimental treatment, I am SOOOOO glad we did it. Even with the craziness we have all gone through over the past few months, I feel like she is where she is supposed to be.
Thank you for all the prayers!!! Please continue them, praying that Mom will continue to do great!
Also, if you do call or text her and she doesn't respond, it's not necessarily that she is sick. She just got a new phone, an iPhone, after how much I have loved mine and Pete has loved his, but she can't figure out how it works. She says she is having "chemo brain." Dad is trying to teach her, but she is having difficulty. So don't take it personally if she doesn't answer or call you back. Right now, she can't figure it out.
Sorry, I just had to throw that one out there. I know Pete is the one who has been studying and actually taking the test, but I have been absolutely stressed out over it. But he would always stress over my boards and licensing exams too, so I guess now I know how his side felt. Now, we wait till late October/early November for results.
Mom is doing great!!!
I've been waiting for months to be able to say that!
The treatment she is on at CTRC contains two medications. One is a drug that is known to work with lung cancer to shrink tumors, and one that is an experimental treatment. The first one is a pill that she takes daily, the other is an IV that she recieves every couple of weeks. She started the pills on Monday night, and it was not pretty. She called Dad, crying, saying she just couldn't do it. She was so sick. Dad was really upset, I don't think he slept the whole night. But Tuesday she was fine. Wednesday she was fine. Thursday she was fine. And every day since!!
We have discovered that if she takes the pill at 5:00 am, then goes back to bed for a couple of hours, she does just fine. Yes, she still gets tired easily. Yes, she still has pain. But it is manageable. She just takes naps. But not too long, because then she won't sleep at night. I think the anti-depressants are working for her too.
Dad asked her oncologist a few weeks ago about anti-depressants for Mom because with all the back and forth, yes and no, you're in you're out, it was tearing her up. She simply couldn't handle it. Now, after about a month on them, she is more like her old self.
I have to say, it has been a pleasure talking to Mom this week. She has been more herself this past week than she has in the past 7 months. I'm just enjoying having my Mom back.
Yes, there are some side effects to these medications, which she is concerned about. She will probably get acne again, the deep, cystic kind that you have to have prescriptions for. There is a very high possibility of anorexia, but at this point she is eating more than she has in months! The most serious side effect though, is that her immune system in totally wiped out. In fact, she had to go get her acrylic nails removed because they were growing fungus underneath. She was most unhappy about that one!! There is still the possibility of her losing her hair, but it is farther down on the list of side effects. At least she has a really cute wig! She has been getting her hair cut into that style anyway, just in case it does fall out, so it will be less noticable.
If this is the result we get with Mom on the experimental treatment, I am SOOOOO glad we did it. Even with the craziness we have all gone through over the past few months, I feel like she is where she is supposed to be.
Thank you for all the prayers!!! Please continue them, praying that Mom will continue to do great!
Also, if you do call or text her and she doesn't respond, it's not necessarily that she is sick. She just got a new phone, an iPhone, after how much I have loved mine and Pete has loved his, but she can't figure out how it works. She says she is having "chemo brain." Dad is trying to teach her, but she is having difficulty. So don't take it personally if she doesn't answer or call you back. Right now, she can't figure it out.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Quick update
Sorry I haven't been better at keeping up with updates the last couple of weeks. Life is crazy right now. Pete is taking his bar exam this week, and is staying at the hotel so he's just right next door to the testing site.
Mom is in San Antonio right now. Dad needed to work this week actually in the building, rather than on the road. So Granny and PawPaw took her down to San Antonio. She is starting on week 1, just about 3-4 weeks behind everyone else in the trial.
Her first treatment was this morning. Mom called Dad tonight and said that she was feeling really sick to her stomach. That's a pretty normal side effect of ANY chemo, as so many people are able to tell us. It just always seems to hit her SO quickly. I really don't remember if they are coming back tomorrow or Thursday. For some reason I think the doctors needed to check her tomorrow. I do know that they tentatively reserved the hotel room for the whole week, just in case she was feeling too sick to travel.
We are really praying that this works. Everyone is so exhausted, especially Mom. All the back and forth and being sick, well, it's really taking a toll on her.
I'll update again soon. Honestly, though, it will probably be after Thursday. We are just trying to get through this week!
Mom is in San Antonio right now. Dad needed to work this week actually in the building, rather than on the road. So Granny and PawPaw took her down to San Antonio. She is starting on week 1, just about 3-4 weeks behind everyone else in the trial.
Her first treatment was this morning. Mom called Dad tonight and said that she was feeling really sick to her stomach. That's a pretty normal side effect of ANY chemo, as so many people are able to tell us. It just always seems to hit her SO quickly. I really don't remember if they are coming back tomorrow or Thursday. For some reason I think the doctors needed to check her tomorrow. I do know that they tentatively reserved the hotel room for the whole week, just in case she was feeling too sick to travel.
We are really praying that this works. Everyone is so exhausted, especially Mom. All the back and forth and being sick, well, it's really taking a toll on her.
I'll update again soon. Honestly, though, it will probably be after Thursday. We are just trying to get through this week!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
San Antonio Bound...Part 2
OK. Mom got a phone call last week from CTRC wanting her to come back down for more testing. So after enduring IV's on Thursday and Friday all day, plus on Monday (not to mention some ill-advised steak fingers with french fries from DQ) she headed back down to SA this week with Dad.
Thankfully, SA went well this time. They have done all of her tests, and she's back in the study as of next Tuesday (7/28)!! Now, I don't know if this means that she'll just start here, about 4 weeks late, or if she's starting from the beginning, and will be 4 weeks behind everyone else. I will let everyone know, however, as soon as I know.
So we appear to be on the upswing of the roller coaster. You know, the part where the train clicks into the chain that pulls you upward? Clickety clack, all the way up. We just don't know if we are headed for a plateau or the downswing again.
Pray for Mom as she starts this trial. I know she's excited, but scared too. One of the major side effects of this drug is anorexia, and if there's anything we DON'T need right now, it's anorexia.
Selfishly, I'm going to ask for a lot of prayers for us right now. Besides dealing with all this stuff with Mom, Pete and I have been dealing with a lot. He's taking the bar exam next week, and currently no one seems to want to hire a new attorney who has little experience. He's studying about 15 hours a day right now. We just found out some of our very closest friends are moving 3 weeks after the bar exam - to Nashville!! It has to do with a family situation for her. Also, there is another situation that we are choosing to keep kinda quiet about (no baby, no divorce, no moving, no health issues for either of us) but needs a lot of prayer for us to make the right decision. I'll go into more explanation later, but until the situation is resolved, I really can't. Please just pray that we make the right decision and that God will give us peace. For those of you who do know, please don't say too much. Like I said, we're keeping quiet about it, but we definitely need prayer.
Thankfully, SA went well this time. They have done all of her tests, and she's back in the study as of next Tuesday (7/28)!! Now, I don't know if this means that she'll just start here, about 4 weeks late, or if she's starting from the beginning, and will be 4 weeks behind everyone else. I will let everyone know, however, as soon as I know.
So we appear to be on the upswing of the roller coaster. You know, the part where the train clicks into the chain that pulls you upward? Clickety clack, all the way up. We just don't know if we are headed for a plateau or the downswing again.
Pray for Mom as she starts this trial. I know she's excited, but scared too. One of the major side effects of this drug is anorexia, and if there's anything we DON'T need right now, it's anorexia.
Selfishly, I'm going to ask for a lot of prayers for us right now. Besides dealing with all this stuff with Mom, Pete and I have been dealing with a lot. He's taking the bar exam next week, and currently no one seems to want to hire a new attorney who has little experience. He's studying about 15 hours a day right now. We just found out some of our very closest friends are moving 3 weeks after the bar exam - to Nashville!! It has to do with a family situation for her. Also, there is another situation that we are choosing to keep kinda quiet about (no baby, no divorce, no moving, no health issues for either of us) but needs a lot of prayer for us to make the right decision. I'll go into more explanation later, but until the situation is resolved, I really can't. Please just pray that we make the right decision and that God will give us peace. For those of you who do know, please don't say too much. Like I said, we're keeping quiet about it, but we definitely need prayer.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Living in Limbo
Limbo was one of my favorite games as a kid. I especially loved it at the roller rink, I could bend WAYYYYYY back, I was a flexible little kid. Thank goodness I loved it then, becuase not only am I no longer flexible enough to play it, I currently feel like we live in limbo. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
Mom went to the oncologist today for a check, and to talk to him about any new options they might have.
Just as she was walking out the door to go to her appointment, CTRC from San Antonio called. They would like to re-evaluate her to possibly start in the same trial!
Mom talked to her oncologist about it, he's all for it. He wants her to come in for IV's for the rest of the week, and possibly on Monday. It looks like they will be heading to San Antonio on Monday afternoon, so Dr Ruxer wants her in that morning to top off her fluids, especially since she will have just come off the weeknd, and will be making a 5 hour car trip.
They have decided to re-evaluate her pain medicines. A few weeks ago, they weaned her off of the pills, and left her on the patches. She says that her pain has been pretty bad since then, getting worse at night. Sometimes she can't sleep. So today he re-instated the pills, and added another one, I think to alternate.
Mom's doing OK. Every time I talk to her, she is in a lot of pain, sometimes to where she can't talk. We have better days and worse days. Saturday was a really good day, I mean REALLY GOOD. We got our hair cut, she wanted Pei Wei for lunch (she actually told me she was hungry - and ATE!!!), we got pedicures and she got her nails done. She was pretty wiped out by that point, but we had been going since 8:30 that morning, and it was about 3:45 by the time we left the nail salon, and she hasn't had the energy to do all that in months. Sunday, well, not as good. I don't know if she overdid it on Saturday because she felt so good, or if it just wasn't as good of a day.
Tonight I went over to see her after working out, because her friends had a surprise for her. They bought her a recliner!! She was just completely overwhelmed. It is really nice and comfy, and pretty neutral so it goes with their house well. Mom is hoping to sleep in it, since she is more comfortable sleeping propped up, but keeps sliding off the pillows, which makes the pain get worse. In fact, as I type this she is probably sleeping in it now!!
Mom has some really great friends. Some of them she's known since high school. A few she knew when I was in elementary school, but they all went to church together for years at ROBC, and they were the group that ran around together. They have stuck together through divorces, marriages, you name it. I'm really glad that she has such good friends. They are a terrific support system for her, and for all of us. They really let us just lean on them when we need to.
This is the same group of friends who held the prayer service for Mom on Sunday night. It went well, it was just very emotional. We really appreciated it. I think Mom cried the whole way through, I know I cried for most of it. Mom cries a lot lately. I know she's wearing thin with the whole thing.
I'm tired of the whole back and forth thing. I know the rest of the family is too. I completely understand why she got turned down for the treatments last week, especially since she'd been in the hospital for the same thing 2 times in 8 days. And I'm glad they want to re-evaluate her. I just know they are really tired of making that drive, just to be told, sorry, you don't qualify. At this point, I want it to be either yes, or no. That way, if it is a no, we can start looking for something else and stop re-hashing the whole thing.
I'm really tired tonight, so I think this post is kinda all over the place, sorry about that. Please continue to pray for us.
Mom went to the oncologist today for a check, and to talk to him about any new options they might have.
Just as she was walking out the door to go to her appointment, CTRC from San Antonio called. They would like to re-evaluate her to possibly start in the same trial!
Mom talked to her oncologist about it, he's all for it. He wants her to come in for IV's for the rest of the week, and possibly on Monday. It looks like they will be heading to San Antonio on Monday afternoon, so Dr Ruxer wants her in that morning to top off her fluids, especially since she will have just come off the weeknd, and will be making a 5 hour car trip.
They have decided to re-evaluate her pain medicines. A few weeks ago, they weaned her off of the pills, and left her on the patches. She says that her pain has been pretty bad since then, getting worse at night. Sometimes she can't sleep. So today he re-instated the pills, and added another one, I think to alternate.
Mom's doing OK. Every time I talk to her, she is in a lot of pain, sometimes to where she can't talk. We have better days and worse days. Saturday was a really good day, I mean REALLY GOOD. We got our hair cut, she wanted Pei Wei for lunch (she actually told me she was hungry - and ATE!!!), we got pedicures and she got her nails done. She was pretty wiped out by that point, but we had been going since 8:30 that morning, and it was about 3:45 by the time we left the nail salon, and she hasn't had the energy to do all that in months. Sunday, well, not as good. I don't know if she overdid it on Saturday because she felt so good, or if it just wasn't as good of a day.
Tonight I went over to see her after working out, because her friends had a surprise for her. They bought her a recliner!! She was just completely overwhelmed. It is really nice and comfy, and pretty neutral so it goes with their house well. Mom is hoping to sleep in it, since she is more comfortable sleeping propped up, but keeps sliding off the pillows, which makes the pain get worse. In fact, as I type this she is probably sleeping in it now!!
Mom has some really great friends. Some of them she's known since high school. A few she knew when I was in elementary school, but they all went to church together for years at ROBC, and they were the group that ran around together. They have stuck together through divorces, marriages, you name it. I'm really glad that she has such good friends. They are a terrific support system for her, and for all of us. They really let us just lean on them when we need to.
This is the same group of friends who held the prayer service for Mom on Sunday night. It went well, it was just very emotional. We really appreciated it. I think Mom cried the whole way through, I know I cried for most of it. Mom cries a lot lately. I know she's wearing thin with the whole thing.
I'm tired of the whole back and forth thing. I know the rest of the family is too. I completely understand why she got turned down for the treatments last week, especially since she'd been in the hospital for the same thing 2 times in 8 days. And I'm glad they want to re-evaluate her. I just know they are really tired of making that drive, just to be told, sorry, you don't qualify. At this point, I want it to be either yes, or no. That way, if it is a no, we can start looking for something else and stop re-hashing the whole thing.
I'm really tired tonight, so I think this post is kinda all over the place, sorry about that. Please continue to pray for us.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Prayer Service
Tonight we wil be having a prayer service for Mom.
One of my parents' really close friends is our former pastor from the church where I grew up. In light of all the stuff that has happened this week, they have decided that they would like to hold a prayer service for Mom.
The group at my parents' house will only be a few people. Mom isn't feeling well again today. We do ask that everyone pray for her as we are holding this service though.
We will have this service from 5-7 pm tonight. At some point during this two-hour period, please pray for Mom. Pray for her healing, for her strength. Please also pray for our family as we will be discussing more options with her oncologist this week.
As always, your prayers over this situation are much appreciated and needed!!
One of my parents' really close friends is our former pastor from the church where I grew up. In light of all the stuff that has happened this week, they have decided that they would like to hold a prayer service for Mom.
The group at my parents' house will only be a few people. Mom isn't feeling well again today. We do ask that everyone pray for her as we are holding this service though.
We will have this service from 5-7 pm tonight. At some point during this two-hour period, please pray for Mom. Pray for her healing, for her strength. Please also pray for our family as we will be discussing more options with her oncologist this week.
As always, your prayers over this situation are much appreciated and needed!!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
How is this?
Just checking with everyone...
Can you follow this OK?
It's become so difficult for me to remember who all I need to update and include on my posts on facebook, that I finally just gave up and decided to create a blog instead. For anyone who hasn't ever followed a blog before, you can select the RSS button (should be a little orange button on the top of your web browser with a white dot and two semi-circles around it) and select "subscribe to this feed.) Follow the given instructions from your browser, and you should be able to access this blog from your favorites pull-down menu, with a tab that says "feeds". You can also subscribe by the button on the left side of the page, below the archives. Then when you click on the Feeds button, if the name of this page is bolded, it means that I've updated the blog and you can click on it to see the updates.
I know I will get questions about the name of this page. In choir at FBC Lakeside, where Pete and I attended for the past 3 years, one of my favorite songs that we've sung is from The Crabb Family, and is called "Through the Fire." The Chorus says something like: "He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our vict'ry without fighting, but He said help would always come in time. So just remember that when you're standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in, just hold on. My Lord will show up, and he will take you through the fire again."
The choir director may not know it, but every time we sang this, God used it to soothe my heart. It's only been recently that I can actually sing it without crying the whole way through. Look it up, it's a powerful song.
Anyway, that's where I got the name for this blog. I felt it appropriate, what with all we've gone through this year.
Can you follow this OK?
It's become so difficult for me to remember who all I need to update and include on my posts on facebook, that I finally just gave up and decided to create a blog instead. For anyone who hasn't ever followed a blog before, you can select the RSS button (should be a little orange button on the top of your web browser with a white dot and two semi-circles around it) and select "subscribe to this feed.) Follow the given instructions from your browser, and you should be able to access this blog from your favorites pull-down menu, with a tab that says "feeds". You can also subscribe by the button on the left side of the page, below the archives. Then when you click on the Feeds button, if the name of this page is bolded, it means that I've updated the blog and you can click on it to see the updates.
I know I will get questions about the name of this page. In choir at FBC Lakeside, where Pete and I attended for the past 3 years, one of my favorite songs that we've sung is from The Crabb Family, and is called "Through the Fire." The Chorus says something like: "He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our vict'ry without fighting, but He said help would always come in time. So just remember that when you're standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in, just hold on. My Lord will show up, and he will take you through the fire again."
The choir director may not know it, but every time we sang this, God used it to soothe my heart. It's only been recently that I can actually sing it without crying the whole way through. Look it up, it's a powerful song.
Anyway, that's where I got the name for this blog. I felt it appropriate, what with all we've gone through this year.
This is Only a Test... (originally posted 7/8/2009)
...of my nerves and sanity!!
Mom had a pretty lousy weekend. She felt terrible the whole time, didn't even get to enjoy the 4th.
Mom and Dad went to San Antonio to start the trial at CTRC. Trial is probably the right word here, not experimental treatment. So, yesterday (tuesday) they went in to get her started. She told the doctors there that she had been vomiting a lot, and hasn't been able to keep much down. So they checked her blood, and whaddya know, her potassium was dangerously low again. So was something else, but I can't remember what. To keep her from having a heart attack (literally) they admitted her to the hospital down there in San Antonio (Christus Santa Rosa I think) to get her fluids back up. This is the first time that I have not been able to get to her while she's been in the hospital. Obviously, I can't just up and drive 6 hours to see her in the hospital. Aunt Jean and Uncle Everett generoulsy let my dad stay over at their house (Mom and Dad had been at Aunt Elvis' this time - trying hard not to wear out their welcome!!) while all tihs is going on.
So Mom called me last night, very upset. She's upset because she's in the hospital in a different city, and she's afraid Dad's scared (he is) and she's tired that I have to keep being her cheerleader. She puts on a good, brave, front most of the time. She was crying pretty hard, I had a hard time understanding her, but I was able to get most of it.
I reminded her that its all going to work out. We love her, and are always praying for her, that she will get better.
Today, they released her and she is headed back to CTRC to start the treatments for cancer. Mom is very up and down. I can tell that all this back and forth is really taking a toll on her.
Nothing about this has been easy, almost like there's some reason we shouldn't do this treatment. Obstacles just keep popping up. I've been praying and asking if this is the sign to keep persevering, or to the sign to stop. So far, no answer. OK, so for now we keep persevering.
Pray for our sanity! It seems almost like a joke to say that, but lets just say that its a good thing I started hilighting my hair a couple of years ago, so it covers the gray that is creeping in from all this!! Pray for Mom to have some emotional stability. She's so all over the place right now, not that the rest of us aren't. Pray for Dad. I've watched him age about 10 years in the past 2. He loves Mom to death, and will do anything for her, but we can't risk him losing his job with having to take off so much. Pray that Hailey will come to terms with everything. Her method of dealing with all this is to NOT deal with it, and basically pretend it's all OK. Pray that Eric can let himself become more emotionally invested in this. He told me that he refuses to let himself cry or anything, since it all began over two years ago. Even my husband has cried over this, it's not healthy. Pray for Pete and I. I have basically fallen into the role my Mom has always had up till now, of being the famliy cheerleader and support. My sweet hubby has let me fall apart on him so many times. And he just has so much on his plate right now. He takes the Bar exam in less than 3 weeks (think of, three months after you graduated from college, you have a test that is 3 days long that tests everything you ever learned in college in minute detail, and if you don't pass this test, all the work you did in college is worthless until you do pass, because without passing this test, your degree is absolutely worthless.) and is having his "Oh, CRAP!!!" moment. Plus we are searching for a job for him. Preferably here in Fort worth/Dallas/Arlington, so we don't have to move.
OK, that's all for now. Really, I am handling everything OK for now. I am firmly convinced that everything will turn out fine.
************UPDATE 5:15 pm******************
I talked to Mom this afternoon. Currently, the doctors at CTRC feel she is too unstable physically to do this treatment. So, she is out of this program, which is really disappointing.
They will let her know if they have anything new come open, once she is stable. Being in the hospital two times in 7 days is not exactly the essence of stability. From the medical point of view, I get it. It's a HUGE risk to be doing experimental therapy anyway, becuase they really don't know exactly how the drug works, the side effects,etc. Putting someone who is an sunstable as Mom is currently, would probably send their malpractice rates through the roof. And, since I have to pay malpractice for myself, let me tell you - it is NOT CHEAP!!! As a daughter, though...this is heartbreaking. Mom is so disappointed. We were really hoping that this would work. As in, we could actually START treatment. Maybe something else will come open.
Things look pretty bleak right now. Please pray that Mom will stabilize, because with her as unstable as she currently is, she can't really do ANY treatment.
Mom had a pretty lousy weekend. She felt terrible the whole time, didn't even get to enjoy the 4th.
Mom and Dad went to San Antonio to start the trial at CTRC. Trial is probably the right word here, not experimental treatment. So, yesterday (tuesday) they went in to get her started. She told the doctors there that she had been vomiting a lot, and hasn't been able to keep much down. So they checked her blood, and whaddya know, her potassium was dangerously low again. So was something else, but I can't remember what. To keep her from having a heart attack (literally) they admitted her to the hospital down there in San Antonio (Christus Santa Rosa I think) to get her fluids back up. This is the first time that I have not been able to get to her while she's been in the hospital. Obviously, I can't just up and drive 6 hours to see her in the hospital. Aunt Jean and Uncle Everett generoulsy let my dad stay over at their house (Mom and Dad had been at Aunt Elvis' this time - trying hard not to wear out their welcome!!) while all tihs is going on.
So Mom called me last night, very upset. She's upset because she's in the hospital in a different city, and she's afraid Dad's scared (he is) and she's tired that I have to keep being her cheerleader. She puts on a good, brave, front most of the time. She was crying pretty hard, I had a hard time understanding her, but I was able to get most of it.
I reminded her that its all going to work out. We love her, and are always praying for her, that she will get better.
Today, they released her and she is headed back to CTRC to start the treatments for cancer. Mom is very up and down. I can tell that all this back and forth is really taking a toll on her.
Nothing about this has been easy, almost like there's some reason we shouldn't do this treatment. Obstacles just keep popping up. I've been praying and asking if this is the sign to keep persevering, or to the sign to stop. So far, no answer. OK, so for now we keep persevering.
Pray for our sanity! It seems almost like a joke to say that, but lets just say that its a good thing I started hilighting my hair a couple of years ago, so it covers the gray that is creeping in from all this!! Pray for Mom to have some emotional stability. She's so all over the place right now, not that the rest of us aren't. Pray for Dad. I've watched him age about 10 years in the past 2. He loves Mom to death, and will do anything for her, but we can't risk him losing his job with having to take off so much. Pray that Hailey will come to terms with everything. Her method of dealing with all this is to NOT deal with it, and basically pretend it's all OK. Pray that Eric can let himself become more emotionally invested in this. He told me that he refuses to let himself cry or anything, since it all began over two years ago. Even my husband has cried over this, it's not healthy. Pray for Pete and I. I have basically fallen into the role my Mom has always had up till now, of being the famliy cheerleader and support. My sweet hubby has let me fall apart on him so many times. And he just has so much on his plate right now. He takes the Bar exam in less than 3 weeks (think of, three months after you graduated from college, you have a test that is 3 days long that tests everything you ever learned in college in minute detail, and if you don't pass this test, all the work you did in college is worthless until you do pass, because without passing this test, your degree is absolutely worthless.) and is having his "Oh, CRAP!!!" moment. Plus we are searching for a job for him. Preferably here in Fort worth/Dallas/Arlington, so we don't have to move.
OK, that's all for now. Really, I am handling everything OK for now. I am firmly convinced that everything will turn out fine.
************UPDATE 5:15 pm******************
I talked to Mom this afternoon. Currently, the doctors at CTRC feel she is too unstable physically to do this treatment. So, she is out of this program, which is really disappointing.
They will let her know if they have anything new come open, once she is stable. Being in the hospital two times in 7 days is not exactly the essence of stability. From the medical point of view, I get it. It's a HUGE risk to be doing experimental therapy anyway, becuase they really don't know exactly how the drug works, the side effects,etc. Putting someone who is an sunstable as Mom is currently, would probably send their malpractice rates through the roof. And, since I have to pay malpractice for myself, let me tell you - it is NOT CHEAP!!! As a daughter, though...this is heartbreaking. Mom is so disappointed. We were really hoping that this would work. As in, we could actually START treatment. Maybe something else will come open.
Things look pretty bleak right now. Please pray that Mom will stabilize, because with her as unstable as she currently is, she can't really do ANY treatment.
Happy 4th (originally posted 7/2/2009)
Sorry, things have been kinda crazy around here this week. When your Mom is in the hospital for the 3rd time in 6 months, I think you are occasionally allowed to lose your mind.
Mom got to go home Wednesday around lunch. She was very excited. She said that Zoe (poodle) was so excited to see her, but when Dad turned to leave, she got very upset. When she realized Mom was still there, she got super excited again and started jumping on Mom. Maybe not the best thing for Mom's abdomen, but I do know that puppy kisses will heal most wounds!
I think we're taking it easy for the 4th around here. Mom is feeling better, but I don't think she's really up to a house full of company, especially since they just went from 2 people in the house to 4 people in the house within a month. They will probably grill hamburgers (hot dogs don't do so good on her stomach, and she LOVES bratwurst, but we're pretty afraid to try it.) at their house, we might join them. I contemplated offering up my house, but with Pete studying for the bar exam in just a couple of weeks, I'm really trying to keep our lives as stress free as possible. If that's possible. Pete and I will try to go see fireworks that night, maybe bring his parents along. That would be fun, I have awesome in-laws.
This post is much less organized, I guess, but thankfully there isn't a lot to say other than that a) Mom is home, and doing well, and b) they are looking forward to starting the treatments in San Antonio this week. Mom is still hoping she doesn't lose her hair, and the known side effects of these drugs list that as a VERY small possibility. Currently, I'm willing to shave my head, it's so dang hot around here. And I no longer have the long blond hair I used to, now it's short (see photos from Barrister's Ball and Graduation!!).
After my parents get back from San Antonio next week, I'll probably post again to keep everyone updated on how she's doing.
Oh, I also meant to ask, is it easier for me to post notes on here, or would it be easier for everyone if I created a blog, and just updated it periodically? I can do either, I don't really care, but it was mentioned to me by a friend that a blog might be easier. That way everyone can just subscribe to the RSS feed. Whatever, I'm open to suggestions.
Mom got to go home Wednesday around lunch. She was very excited. She said that Zoe (poodle) was so excited to see her, but when Dad turned to leave, she got very upset. When she realized Mom was still there, she got super excited again and started jumping on Mom. Maybe not the best thing for Mom's abdomen, but I do know that puppy kisses will heal most wounds!
I think we're taking it easy for the 4th around here. Mom is feeling better, but I don't think she's really up to a house full of company, especially since they just went from 2 people in the house to 4 people in the house within a month. They will probably grill hamburgers (hot dogs don't do so good on her stomach, and she LOVES bratwurst, but we're pretty afraid to try it.) at their house, we might join them. I contemplated offering up my house, but with Pete studying for the bar exam in just a couple of weeks, I'm really trying to keep our lives as stress free as possible. If that's possible. Pete and I will try to go see fireworks that night, maybe bring his parents along. That would be fun, I have awesome in-laws.
This post is much less organized, I guess, but thankfully there isn't a lot to say other than that a) Mom is home, and doing well, and b) they are looking forward to starting the treatments in San Antonio this week. Mom is still hoping she doesn't lose her hair, and the known side effects of these drugs list that as a VERY small possibility. Currently, I'm willing to shave my head, it's so dang hot around here. And I no longer have the long blond hair I used to, now it's short (see photos from Barrister's Ball and Graduation!!).
After my parents get back from San Antonio next week, I'll probably post again to keep everyone updated on how she's doing.
Oh, I also meant to ask, is it easier for me to post notes on here, or would it be easier for everyone if I created a blog, and just updated it periodically? I can do either, I don't really care, but it was mentioned to me by a friend that a blog might be easier. That way everyone can just subscribe to the RSS feed. Whatever, I'm open to suggestions.
Not as bad this time (originally posted 6/29/2009)
This seems like it should be an easy hospital trip, if such animal exists. I saw Mom today, after she had been in for almost 24 hours, she was feeling much better.
When I spoke to her Saturday afternoon, she was mumbling and trying not to vomit. Apparently, right after we got off the phone she began vomiting and basically couldn't stop. Last night she asked Dad to call her oncologist and take her to the hospital. They did speak to the oncologist, who got everything cleared for her to go in through the ER so she could be admitted to the oncology floor. So they went in to the ER about 5:30 last night, and she told me that they got a room at 4 AM. Nothing like efficiency, let me tell you!
I chose not to go up to the hospital last night. There was nothing for me to do, nowhere for me to be. Dad sat in a hard plastic folding chair next to Mom's bed in the ER for nearly 12 hours. If I was there, we would have had to take turns standing, and both of us had to work today. Besides, I had a patient coming in this morning for half of a full-mouth rehabilitation case, and I needed to be on top of my game for that one.
After work today, I stopped by. She really looked good. Her color was better than I have seen in a few weeks. She was cheery and laughing. I managed to get her laughing hard enough she was crying, so that's a good note. The doctors think she will get to go home maybe Wed or Thurs. Personally, I am betting on Thursday. They just want to make sure she's OK and not send her home too early.
I am currently unsure as to the cause of all this. Cancer, yes. But why? I imagaine she probably ate something she wasn't supposed to (popcorn is her favorite forbidden food, followed by french fries.) but she denies it. She was in some pretty serious pain last week for most of the week. It may have just been building up. I keep reminding her that if she doesn't eat, her intestines won't process the previous thing she ate, and everything just sits there and rots. Lovely picture, I know. But that produces lots of gas, which produces pressure, which leads to pain. So, eating is very necessary. Fluids alone won't cut it.
Oh, I forgot to say something - WE GOT IN TO SAN ANTONIO!!!!!!!!!!! Her urine tests came back within the investigational guidelines. They called today to let her know, but because of the late notice (and the hospitalization) she will be starting NEXT week, rather than this week. She did tell them about being hospitalized, and they said that as long as she can make it down there next week to start (she'll just be 1 week behind the rest of the study) it's OK. I think she'll discharge herself if necessary to make everything work. So Aunt Jean - I think you'll have some company next week!!
OK, that's all for tonight. Honestly, I'm exhausted. Even knowing that everything is OK, and is going to be OK, it's still exhausting with your mom in the hospital for the third time in 6 months. Thankfully, this hospital has free parking. Otherwise I'd be searching for a way to write that off on my taxes next year. (Hmmm, would that count towards medical expenses?)
Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them, and we all still need them! As always, please forward this to anyone I might have forgotten! I promise I never intentionally leave anyone off the list!!
When I spoke to her Saturday afternoon, she was mumbling and trying not to vomit. Apparently, right after we got off the phone she began vomiting and basically couldn't stop. Last night she asked Dad to call her oncologist and take her to the hospital. They did speak to the oncologist, who got everything cleared for her to go in through the ER so she could be admitted to the oncology floor. So they went in to the ER about 5:30 last night, and she told me that they got a room at 4 AM. Nothing like efficiency, let me tell you!
I chose not to go up to the hospital last night. There was nothing for me to do, nowhere for me to be. Dad sat in a hard plastic folding chair next to Mom's bed in the ER for nearly 12 hours. If I was there, we would have had to take turns standing, and both of us had to work today. Besides, I had a patient coming in this morning for half of a full-mouth rehabilitation case, and I needed to be on top of my game for that one.
After work today, I stopped by. She really looked good. Her color was better than I have seen in a few weeks. She was cheery and laughing. I managed to get her laughing hard enough she was crying, so that's a good note. The doctors think she will get to go home maybe Wed or Thurs. Personally, I am betting on Thursday. They just want to make sure she's OK and not send her home too early.
I am currently unsure as to the cause of all this. Cancer, yes. But why? I imagaine she probably ate something she wasn't supposed to (popcorn is her favorite forbidden food, followed by french fries.) but she denies it. She was in some pretty serious pain last week for most of the week. It may have just been building up. I keep reminding her that if she doesn't eat, her intestines won't process the previous thing she ate, and everything just sits there and rots. Lovely picture, I know. But that produces lots of gas, which produces pressure, which leads to pain. So, eating is very necessary. Fluids alone won't cut it.
Oh, I forgot to say something - WE GOT IN TO SAN ANTONIO!!!!!!!!!!! Her urine tests came back within the investigational guidelines. They called today to let her know, but because of the late notice (and the hospitalization) she will be starting NEXT week, rather than this week. She did tell them about being hospitalized, and they said that as long as she can make it down there next week to start (she'll just be 1 week behind the rest of the study) it's OK. I think she'll discharge herself if necessary to make everything work. So Aunt Jean - I think you'll have some company next week!!
OK, that's all for tonight. Honestly, I'm exhausted. Even knowing that everything is OK, and is going to be OK, it's still exhausting with your mom in the hospital for the third time in 6 months. Thankfully, this hospital has free parking. Otherwise I'd be searching for a way to write that off on my taxes next year. (Hmmm, would that count towards medical expenses?)
Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them, and we all still need them! As always, please forward this to anyone I might have forgotten! I promise I never intentionally leave anyone off the list!!
Still Hoping and Praying (originally posted 6/24/2009)
I know Mom is just going to LOVE me posting all of this, but she did ask me to keep everyone updated, so...
Mom and Dad went down to San Antonio Monday for her tests at CTRC. Thanks for letting them stay with you, Aunt Jean, I know they really appreciated it and enjoyed it!
Her tests were Tuesday. They said that everything came back within the parameters they are looking for, except the protein count in the urine. It was too high. So now they are doing a 24-hour urine collection to be analyzed for total protein count or something to that effect. Reminder to my brother - the red jar is NOT apple juice or iced tea!! They are hoping that the total protein count will be sufficient to get her in. If it's still too high, the doctors at CTRC are basically going to beg, plead, coerce, etc to get Mom still accepted into the study.
So we are still praying that this will eventually work out. They did tell her to plan on being there next week to start treatments, which is a huge plus.
I know God says that things aren't always going to be easy, but seriously, can we get a break? Must we always have to have EVERY single stinking obstacle thrown in our way? Jeeze.
I know that everything will work in God's timing, and I have accepted that. However, lots of doctors think they are god (just ask surgeons, especially transplant surgeons!!) and have timetables set. I know that God will overrule their little kingdoms, but I still want my Mom to get the study so she can get the treatment she needs.
Please keep praying that it will all work out, and quickly!! I swear, I'm never again going to pray for patience...
Mom and Dad went down to San Antonio Monday for her tests at CTRC. Thanks for letting them stay with you, Aunt Jean, I know they really appreciated it and enjoyed it!
Her tests were Tuesday. They said that everything came back within the parameters they are looking for, except the protein count in the urine. It was too high. So now they are doing a 24-hour urine collection to be analyzed for total protein count or something to that effect. Reminder to my brother - the red jar is NOT apple juice or iced tea!! They are hoping that the total protein count will be sufficient to get her in. If it's still too high, the doctors at CTRC are basically going to beg, plead, coerce, etc to get Mom still accepted into the study.
So we are still praying that this will eventually work out. They did tell her to plan on being there next week to start treatments, which is a huge plus.
I know God says that things aren't always going to be easy, but seriously, can we get a break? Must we always have to have EVERY single stinking obstacle thrown in our way? Jeeze.
I know that everything will work in God's timing, and I have accepted that. However, lots of doctors think they are god (just ask surgeons, especially transplant surgeons!!) and have timetables set. I know that God will overrule their little kingdoms, but I still want my Mom to get the study so she can get the treatment she needs.
Please keep praying that it will all work out, and quickly!! I swear, I'm never again going to pray for patience...
Maybe... (originally posted 6/16/2009)
I've never been so excited in my life about a tentative yes for San Antonio! OK, when I got wait-listed for dental school there, and hadn't heard from Baylor or Houston yet, I was pretty excited.
But this is also good! Mom got a call from CTRC saying that, tentatively, depending on her test results this week, she's in! One of Dr Ruxer's (oncologist) friends works in Arizona, I think at the Mayo clinic, and he is also a cancer researcher. Anyway, Dr Ruxer had sent his friend some samples of Mom's tumor tissue from her surgery back in January. This friend has access to basically all the drugs that are being tested, and matches tissue types to the medication that would be most effective for that particular tumor.
It turns out that the one that is a PERFECT match for Mom is the drug they are using at CTRC!!! It is being used in combination with another chemo drug that they have known for many years work on lung cancer, it just hasn't been FDA approved for Carcinoid/Neuroendocrine cancers. But, 1) because it is such a rare form of cancer, very few things are approved for use with carcinoid, and 2) that's the POINT of research hospitals, is to TRY stuff. Basically, nothing else has worked, and this works well on some other cancers, so, well, lets give it a try!
As excited as we are, we are trying to not get TOO attached to the idea. Reference my note a few weeks ago about living life on a roller coaster. However, this just seems to be headed in the right direction...maybe...finally...some hope.
But this is also good! Mom got a call from CTRC saying that, tentatively, depending on her test results this week, she's in! One of Dr Ruxer's (oncologist) friends works in Arizona, I think at the Mayo clinic, and he is also a cancer researcher. Anyway, Dr Ruxer had sent his friend some samples of Mom's tumor tissue from her surgery back in January. This friend has access to basically all the drugs that are being tested, and matches tissue types to the medication that would be most effective for that particular tumor.
It turns out that the one that is a PERFECT match for Mom is the drug they are using at CTRC!!! It is being used in combination with another chemo drug that they have known for many years work on lung cancer, it just hasn't been FDA approved for Carcinoid/Neuroendocrine cancers. But, 1) because it is such a rare form of cancer, very few things are approved for use with carcinoid, and 2) that's the POINT of research hospitals, is to TRY stuff. Basically, nothing else has worked, and this works well on some other cancers, so, well, lets give it a try!
As excited as we are, we are trying to not get TOO attached to the idea. Reference my note a few weeks ago about living life on a roller coaster. However, this just seems to be headed in the right direction...maybe...finally...some hope.
San Antonio bound...maybe? (originally posted 6/14/2009)
A couple of weeks ago, we were turned down by Dallas for the experimental chemo treatments. The next day, as it turned out, Mom got a call from CTRC in San Antonio.
Her oncologist had talked to us previously about CTRC. He likes the hospital, says they are doing some really good work with cancer treatments. They wanted Mom to come down so that they could see if she is a candidate for any of their studies.
Mom and Dad went down there last week. Some of yall got to see her and spend time with her, which I know she enjoyed. The doctors there think that she may be a candidate for not one, but two different studies. They are submitting her for both, and we will see what comes back. Hopefully, we will find out within the next couple of weeks. The doctors were very optimistic. They said that the next round of treatments begins at the end of the month, so they would like to get her in on this round.
Currently, she has been off any sort of chemo at all for over 2 months. While that seems like under-treatment, and truly is, the meds just make her so sick. She took chemo for about 3 months, and was in the hospital twice, and the whole time we were afraid we were about to put her back in the hopsital AGAIN at any moment! As Mom so eloquently puts it, "My body just doesn't seem to like having cancer."
I am taking the day off work tomorrow to go to the oncologist with her. We are going to discuss some things that I have discovered through (a lot of) reseach on my part, including diet, exercise, vitamins, and the possibilty of going to MD Anderson in Houston if San Antonio doesn't work out. She is fairly opposed to the idea of Houston, but, having lived there for 4 years, I can help with that. The really big issue would be where to stay. Anderson has a hotel attached to the hospital by a skybridge, but it's pretty expensive. There are other hotels around, but then the issue is getting to the hospital. Plus, then we have the issue of getting her to Houston in the first place.
Getting to the city of treatment is an issue anyway. Dad can take off work, but only so often. I am the same way. I have a much easier time of picking up than dropping off, even within Fort Worth, because we are a one-income family, and I have no paid time off. If I don't work, I don't get paid, end of story. Pete is studying for the bar exam, and has his own mountain of issues to deal with right now, including finding a job, poor guy. Plus supporting me through this whole ordeal. He has truly been a huge blessing in my life, and I haven't thanked him enough for it. Granny and PawPaw can take Mom, but they also have things to do, and when Mom was trying to explain the schedules for the treatments, PawPaw said, "well, we can do these days, but we'll have to think about the others." They don't quite get that with experimental treatments, you have to run on their schedule, or you aren't in the program.
Please continue to pray for us. Today, during the sermon, I finally got the sense of peace that I have been without for the whole time. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it will all work out. Hopefully, God will just wave His hand and she will be healed. However, I can finally see Him working in all this. Up till now, I've been very angry and hurt. Why MY Mom? What did she ever do? What did I ever do? Today, somehow, He finally revealed to me and my thick head that it's not about ME, or HER. It's all about HIM. He will be glorified. He will comfort all of us, including Mom, through all this. Right now, He is carrying us all, because when I look backwards over the last six months (good lord, it feels like ten years) I can only see the one set of footprints, and they are way too big and firm to be mine. On my iPod, I have a song that I had forgotten about - the chorus says "Sometimes he calms the storm/With a whisper "peace, be still"/He can settle any sea/But it doesn't mean He will/Sometimes He holds us close/And lets the wind and waves go wild/Sometimes He calms the storm/Other times He calms his Child." When that came on yesterday, I just hit the ground. We are continuing to struggle with all this, but we have the Hope that regardless of the outcome of this battle Mom is facing, we will all be together forever.
As always, please send this to anyone whom I may have inadvertently forgotten!
Her oncologist had talked to us previously about CTRC. He likes the hospital, says they are doing some really good work with cancer treatments. They wanted Mom to come down so that they could see if she is a candidate for any of their studies.
Mom and Dad went down there last week. Some of yall got to see her and spend time with her, which I know she enjoyed. The doctors there think that she may be a candidate for not one, but two different studies. They are submitting her for both, and we will see what comes back. Hopefully, we will find out within the next couple of weeks. The doctors were very optimistic. They said that the next round of treatments begins at the end of the month, so they would like to get her in on this round.
Currently, she has been off any sort of chemo at all for over 2 months. While that seems like under-treatment, and truly is, the meds just make her so sick. She took chemo for about 3 months, and was in the hospital twice, and the whole time we were afraid we were about to put her back in the hopsital AGAIN at any moment! As Mom so eloquently puts it, "My body just doesn't seem to like having cancer."
I am taking the day off work tomorrow to go to the oncologist with her. We are going to discuss some things that I have discovered through (a lot of) reseach on my part, including diet, exercise, vitamins, and the possibilty of going to MD Anderson in Houston if San Antonio doesn't work out. She is fairly opposed to the idea of Houston, but, having lived there for 4 years, I can help with that. The really big issue would be where to stay. Anderson has a hotel attached to the hospital by a skybridge, but it's pretty expensive. There are other hotels around, but then the issue is getting to the hospital. Plus, then we have the issue of getting her to Houston in the first place.
Getting to the city of treatment is an issue anyway. Dad can take off work, but only so often. I am the same way. I have a much easier time of picking up than dropping off, even within Fort Worth, because we are a one-income family, and I have no paid time off. If I don't work, I don't get paid, end of story. Pete is studying for the bar exam, and has his own mountain of issues to deal with right now, including finding a job, poor guy. Plus supporting me through this whole ordeal. He has truly been a huge blessing in my life, and I haven't thanked him enough for it. Granny and PawPaw can take Mom, but they also have things to do, and when Mom was trying to explain the schedules for the treatments, PawPaw said, "well, we can do these days, but we'll have to think about the others." They don't quite get that with experimental treatments, you have to run on their schedule, or you aren't in the program.
Please continue to pray for us. Today, during the sermon, I finally got the sense of peace that I have been without for the whole time. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it will all work out. Hopefully, God will just wave His hand and she will be healed. However, I can finally see Him working in all this. Up till now, I've been very angry and hurt. Why MY Mom? What did she ever do? What did I ever do? Today, somehow, He finally revealed to me and my thick head that it's not about ME, or HER. It's all about HIM. He will be glorified. He will comfort all of us, including Mom, through all this. Right now, He is carrying us all, because when I look backwards over the last six months (good lord, it feels like ten years) I can only see the one set of footprints, and they are way too big and firm to be mine. On my iPod, I have a song that I had forgotten about - the chorus says "Sometimes he calms the storm/With a whisper "peace, be still"/He can settle any sea/But it doesn't mean He will/Sometimes He holds us close/And lets the wind and waves go wild/Sometimes He calms the storm/Other times He calms his Child." When that came on yesterday, I just hit the ground. We are continuing to struggle with all this, but we have the Hope that regardless of the outcome of this battle Mom is facing, we will all be together forever.
As always, please send this to anyone whom I may have inadvertently forgotten!
I feel like I'm living on a roller coaster (originally posted on 5/28/2009)
So, today, after all the waiting, all the hoping and answered prayers, we got some news that was pretty devastating.
The hospital in Dallas that had accepted Mom for her experimental chemo stuff called to tell her that she was no longer a candidate. Basically, some of her blood levels are too high, plus she has been treated with more than one kind of chemo, so it boils down to she is too advanced too qualify for this clinical trial.
I am going back and forth between crying/sadness and anger.
I am so sad, because I'm just not ready to give up, but NOTHING is working. Everywhere we turn, every time we get the teensiest sliver of hope, it is just completely obliterated. I'm also angry, furious really, because what kind of people give someone hope that hey, this just might be the cure that we've been searching for for the past few years, then oh, sorry, we can't offer you that hope becaues we think you're too sick. Back to square one. Better off if they'd not bothered wasting our time for the past month.
We are going to be trying to get her in at MD Anderson with some clinical trials that look promising, we have to get her oncologist to sign off on it first. Lots of the medical stuff we learned during dental school is fading (sorry to all those professors who tried so hard to stuff it in my brain...) but I can still interpret what the trials are looking for/not looking for - mostly. We also may get a second opinion from another oncologist. While I think her oncologist is terrific, he has actually encouraged us to get a second and third opinion, so we might get more options.
Thankfully, a friend of a friend has been dealing with this for the past 5 years. OK, not really thankfully, becaues it totally sucks for her. But at least there is someone else out there who has dealt with this. Anyway, this young lady was given about 6 months to live over 5 years ago, and like mom, she has a VERY rare form of cancer. She has graciously passed on her oncologists' information, and is actively looking for more clinical trials mom might qualify for.
I cannot express my thanks enough to this young woman. She has never met us, would never know us if she passed us on the street. Yet, becuase of all she has gone through, she is working hard to help us out.
I guess right now we all feel like the air was let out of the balloon. We finally had some hope for this cancer, and frankly we're pretty devastated. I feel like we're just living on the roller coaster, trying to not get too excited about anything positive, becuase we've had the rug jerked out from under us so much that, by this point, we kinda expect it. Think Charlie Brown with the football...so hopeful each time that he won't just end up on his rear...yet he ends up there regardless. Currently, I can empathize.
This is probably one of the lowest nights I've had in months. I know it is for my parents as well. We're just not ready to give up and call it quits though, which is good. But we also know that this next phase is probably going to be more difficult. God only knows, which is good, because I can hardly handle it as it comes, I can't imagine if I actually knew what was coming. It's all just so overwhelming. Please continue your prayers for our whole family.
The hospital in Dallas that had accepted Mom for her experimental chemo stuff called to tell her that she was no longer a candidate. Basically, some of her blood levels are too high, plus she has been treated with more than one kind of chemo, so it boils down to she is too advanced too qualify for this clinical trial.
I am going back and forth between crying/sadness and anger.
I am so sad, because I'm just not ready to give up, but NOTHING is working. Everywhere we turn, every time we get the teensiest sliver of hope, it is just completely obliterated. I'm also angry, furious really, because what kind of people give someone hope that hey, this just might be the cure that we've been searching for for the past few years, then oh, sorry, we can't offer you that hope becaues we think you're too sick. Back to square one. Better off if they'd not bothered wasting our time for the past month.
We are going to be trying to get her in at MD Anderson with some clinical trials that look promising, we have to get her oncologist to sign off on it first. Lots of the medical stuff we learned during dental school is fading (sorry to all those professors who tried so hard to stuff it in my brain...) but I can still interpret what the trials are looking for/not looking for - mostly. We also may get a second opinion from another oncologist. While I think her oncologist is terrific, he has actually encouraged us to get a second and third opinion, so we might get more options.
Thankfully, a friend of a friend has been dealing with this for the past 5 years. OK, not really thankfully, becaues it totally sucks for her. But at least there is someone else out there who has dealt with this. Anyway, this young lady was given about 6 months to live over 5 years ago, and like mom, she has a VERY rare form of cancer. She has graciously passed on her oncologists' information, and is actively looking for more clinical trials mom might qualify for.
I cannot express my thanks enough to this young woman. She has never met us, would never know us if she passed us on the street. Yet, becuase of all she has gone through, she is working hard to help us out.
I guess right now we all feel like the air was let out of the balloon. We finally had some hope for this cancer, and frankly we're pretty devastated. I feel like we're just living on the roller coaster, trying to not get too excited about anything positive, becuase we've had the rug jerked out from under us so much that, by this point, we kinda expect it. Think Charlie Brown with the football...so hopeful each time that he won't just end up on his rear...yet he ends up there regardless. Currently, I can empathize.
This is probably one of the lowest nights I've had in months. I know it is for my parents as well. We're just not ready to give up and call it quits though, which is good. But we also know that this next phase is probably going to be more difficult. God only knows, which is good, because I can hardly handle it as it comes, I can't imagine if I actually knew what was coming. It's all just so overwhelming. Please continue your prayers for our whole family.
No hospital Today... (originally posted 4/8/2009)
Last night was not a good night.
First, Granny called me before I got off work to tell me that Mom wasn't eating anything, wasn't drinking anything, barely talking. I do realize that my grandmather has a tendency to be WAY more panicky than I do, and overreacts more than I do in this situation, because it's her daughter. However, having talked to Mom earlier in the day, I knew she was in tremendous pain, and took her at her word. Dad was out of town on a business trip, which had already been rescheduled three or four times, and really couldn't be rescheduled again.
So I called her oncologist. Can I just mention how thankful I am that she has a terrific oncologist? And one of her nurses has been a friend of mom's for many, many years. I think they were on PTA together when I was in elementary school. The nurse called me back about 6:15, and I talked with her about what was going on. She told me that I needed to get some fluids into Mom, and if she needed to go to the ER, to just go. And moved her appt for 3:30 today up to 8:30 am.
I spent the evening with Mom, and forced her to drink some vanilla Ensure that I had blended with ice to make a slushy. She kept it down, which was good, but said it felt like a rock iin her stomach. What was really concerning to me was that she was taking Dilaudid (one of the strongest pain meds, used frequently with patients who have had amputations and have "phantom pain") every 2 hours. I felt bad for my grandparents, becuase I know they were exhausted and worried, but have been staying with Mom while Dad was gone. So I had Pete bring over our good air mattress for them to sleep on, so that if she needed to go to the ER during the night, they would be able to hear her.
Thankfully, I didn't get a phone call saying they were going to the ER last night after I left. They took her to the Dr this morning, who placed an IV and gave her about a liter or so of Saline with some dextrose in it, to help perk her up. We had a mercifully slow day at work, and the office manager let me off about lunchtime to go help take care of mom. Even when you're a doctor, if you work for someone else, you have to get permission to leave early just like everyone else.
The oncologist dismissed her about 3 this afternoon, and I brought Mom home. But not before she requested to stop at Sonic for a Strawberry limeade slush. She loves those things! We got her changed back into pajamas, and she's sleeping now. Has been off and on for a couple of hours.
The oncologist changed her meds. She is not to take her chemo until we get her back to being stable. We might look at going the IV route, as opposed to the oral route, if she can't get any good days. Quality of life is very important, as everyone who has supported someone through cancer knows! He changed her blood pressure meds, and changed her to a pain patch as opposed to the pills. This will give her more continual relief, we just have to change the patch every 3 days.
She was in some pain after we got back home and she laid down, but I noticed it was when she laid flat on her back. I suggested that we prop her up, and now she is sleeping comfortably. I think (and this and 50 cents will buy you a coke) that when she lays flat, the gas in her stomach can't escape, so it feels very bloated and painful. But if she is propped up, the gas is able to move, so she is able to be comfortable. Anyway , it makes sense to me.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We have made the decision to postpone Easter lunch for now. Eric will be home in a couple of weeks, so we will have a joint late Easter/Eric's home celebration. She's just not up to having it right now, and it really upsets her to miss family stuff.
First, Granny called me before I got off work to tell me that Mom wasn't eating anything, wasn't drinking anything, barely talking. I do realize that my grandmather has a tendency to be WAY more panicky than I do, and overreacts more than I do in this situation, because it's her daughter. However, having talked to Mom earlier in the day, I knew she was in tremendous pain, and took her at her word. Dad was out of town on a business trip, which had already been rescheduled three or four times, and really couldn't be rescheduled again.
So I called her oncologist. Can I just mention how thankful I am that she has a terrific oncologist? And one of her nurses has been a friend of mom's for many, many years. I think they were on PTA together when I was in elementary school. The nurse called me back about 6:15, and I talked with her about what was going on. She told me that I needed to get some fluids into Mom, and if she needed to go to the ER, to just go. And moved her appt for 3:30 today up to 8:30 am.
I spent the evening with Mom, and forced her to drink some vanilla Ensure that I had blended with ice to make a slushy. She kept it down, which was good, but said it felt like a rock iin her stomach. What was really concerning to me was that she was taking Dilaudid (one of the strongest pain meds, used frequently with patients who have had amputations and have "phantom pain") every 2 hours. I felt bad for my grandparents, becuase I know they were exhausted and worried, but have been staying with Mom while Dad was gone. So I had Pete bring over our good air mattress for them to sleep on, so that if she needed to go to the ER during the night, they would be able to hear her.
Thankfully, I didn't get a phone call saying they were going to the ER last night after I left. They took her to the Dr this morning, who placed an IV and gave her about a liter or so of Saline with some dextrose in it, to help perk her up. We had a mercifully slow day at work, and the office manager let me off about lunchtime to go help take care of mom. Even when you're a doctor, if you work for someone else, you have to get permission to leave early just like everyone else.
The oncologist dismissed her about 3 this afternoon, and I brought Mom home. But not before she requested to stop at Sonic for a Strawberry limeade slush. She loves those things! We got her changed back into pajamas, and she's sleeping now. Has been off and on for a couple of hours.
The oncologist changed her meds. She is not to take her chemo until we get her back to being stable. We might look at going the IV route, as opposed to the oral route, if she can't get any good days. Quality of life is very important, as everyone who has supported someone through cancer knows! He changed her blood pressure meds, and changed her to a pain patch as opposed to the pills. This will give her more continual relief, we just have to change the patch every 3 days.
She was in some pain after we got back home and she laid down, but I noticed it was when she laid flat on her back. I suggested that we prop her up, and now she is sleeping comfortably. I think (and this and 50 cents will buy you a coke) that when she lays flat, the gas in her stomach can't escape, so it feels very bloated and painful. But if she is propped up, the gas is able to move, so she is able to be comfortable. Anyway , it makes sense to me.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We have made the decision to postpone Easter lunch for now. Eric will be home in a couple of weeks, so we will have a joint late Easter/Eric's home celebration. She's just not up to having it right now, and it really upsets her to miss family stuff.
No Surgery!!! At least for now... (originally posted 4/3/2009)
Hi everyone.
Let me start by apologizing for how panicky I was on Monday night. Like everyone else, I have a really bad day whenever we have to put Mom in the hospital. With her hving cancer, we never know exactly what all is going on, and I tend to get a bit panicky until we know more of what's going on.
Wednesday, they ran the small bowel follow-through, the test where they were determining how long it took the barium (radioactive dye that shows up on XRays) to go from her stomach to her colon. The surgeon told us that if it was over 8 hours, we would need surgery. Wednesday night he told us that the films from hour 7 showed the dye almost to the colon, and the films from hour 8 showed the dye well into the colon. Since it was very borderline, they ran more tests yesterday (Thursday) to see where the rest of the barium was. If it was completely into the colon/rectum area, we should be OK, but if there was still any in the small intestine, we needed to seriously consider surgery.
So, after wating at the hospital until 10:30 for the surgeon to show up last night (he never did), I went back this morning. He was in the room when I got there, and was telling Mom that this looks like a low-grade obstruction, and we are able to avoid surgery! He did caution us that this is not the end of the story. This will happen again. At some point, we will end up having another surgery, possibly ending up with a colostomy bag. Obviously, we want to avoid this as long as we can. However, it's totally in God's hands.
We think Mom should be able to start back on her Chemo meds soon, but the oncologist and surgeon are consulting to decide if maybe these drugs partially caused the obstruction. That would be very odd, considering how the drugs work, but it is possible. So, we'll keep an eye on that.
The oncologist said that we will probably get to go home Sunday, we are seeing how she does with solid foods again. No point in dismissing her if she will just end up in the hospital again with the same problem in two days.
Thank you all for your prayers. We keep asking for more prayers, because we really feel like we need them right now. Dad and I have been praying a lot lately. God has really started giving us peace about everything. Obviously, we don't know how long the battle will be, but we are treasuring all the time we have. The doctors are very positive though, and said we don't need to look at the idea of losing her for qute a while.
Dad said something this week that I have quoted a lot since he said it, because it truly matched what I've been feeling. God promises that He won't give us more than we can handle, which proves one thing - He knows me a whole lot better than I do! This is so hard to go through, but we really appreciate the prayers, and I know they are working. Even if Mom isn't healed, at least we are beginning to really accept this, and will eventally get to where we ar OK with it. God's plan is better than our plan, even though He and I have been arguing that point for a couple of months now, at least in the case of Mom. :-)
As always, please forward this to anyone in the family that I forgot, and I'm sorry if I leave anyone out!
Let me start by apologizing for how panicky I was on Monday night. Like everyone else, I have a really bad day whenever we have to put Mom in the hospital. With her hving cancer, we never know exactly what all is going on, and I tend to get a bit panicky until we know more of what's going on.
Wednesday, they ran the small bowel follow-through, the test where they were determining how long it took the barium (radioactive dye that shows up on XRays) to go from her stomach to her colon. The surgeon told us that if it was over 8 hours, we would need surgery. Wednesday night he told us that the films from hour 7 showed the dye almost to the colon, and the films from hour 8 showed the dye well into the colon. Since it was very borderline, they ran more tests yesterday (Thursday) to see where the rest of the barium was. If it was completely into the colon/rectum area, we should be OK, but if there was still any in the small intestine, we needed to seriously consider surgery.
So, after wating at the hospital until 10:30 for the surgeon to show up last night (he never did), I went back this morning. He was in the room when I got there, and was telling Mom that this looks like a low-grade obstruction, and we are able to avoid surgery! He did caution us that this is not the end of the story. This will happen again. At some point, we will end up having another surgery, possibly ending up with a colostomy bag. Obviously, we want to avoid this as long as we can. However, it's totally in God's hands.
We think Mom should be able to start back on her Chemo meds soon, but the oncologist and surgeon are consulting to decide if maybe these drugs partially caused the obstruction. That would be very odd, considering how the drugs work, but it is possible. So, we'll keep an eye on that.
The oncologist said that we will probably get to go home Sunday, we are seeing how she does with solid foods again. No point in dismissing her if she will just end up in the hospital again with the same problem in two days.
Thank you all for your prayers. We keep asking for more prayers, because we really feel like we need them right now. Dad and I have been praying a lot lately. God has really started giving us peace about everything. Obviously, we don't know how long the battle will be, but we are treasuring all the time we have. The doctors are very positive though, and said we don't need to look at the idea of losing her for qute a while.
Dad said something this week that I have quoted a lot since he said it, because it truly matched what I've been feeling. God promises that He won't give us more than we can handle, which proves one thing - He knows me a whole lot better than I do! This is so hard to go through, but we really appreciate the prayers, and I know they are working. Even if Mom isn't healed, at least we are beginning to really accept this, and will eventally get to where we ar OK with it. God's plan is better than our plan, even though He and I have been arguing that point for a couple of months now, at least in the case of Mom. :-)
As always, please forward this to anyone in the family that I forgot, and I'm sorry if I leave anyone out!
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