Hanging in There

I know I haven't posted in a week, sorry.  Things really haven't changed that much.

We've spent much of the past week just hanging out.  Pete has been helping out with Mom during the days, especially went Kathy went back to Santa Fe for a couple of days, and I've been over in the afternoons and evenings.  Work has been slow, what with it being the first week of school and all, so I've actually gotten off at lunchtime two different days this week!

Mom has a health care aide who comes over 2-3 times a week to help her bathe, plus when Cissy is here, Kathy and Peter/I/Granny/Dad change the bedding.  The nurse comes out 2 times a week too, to check on the ostomy bags and IV's and stuff.  We are checking on more antibiotics for the infection which seems to be becoming chronic.

Like I sais last time, we are just adjusting to this new normal. 

Mom is sleeping a little more each day.  Hospice told us that is what should be happening.  They did lower some of her meds just a little, because she is developing twitches from being on such high doses for a prolonged period of time.  They also added a medication to help her sleep a little better, and it definitely does.  It also makes her just a little loopy. 

We really shouldn't be laughing at her, but she has said stuff about giving the dog a cell phone, having conversations with the air, asking if we need to text people when someone comes out of the bathroom, stuff like that.  I felt a bit bad about laughing, but then I noticed my dad was laughing so hard that his shoulders were shaking.  So, I guess we are just going to laugh.  Not to be mean or anything, but seriously, some of this is hilarious.

I'm still noticing her go downhill just a little bit each day.  She is mumbling in her sleep, like she is having conversations with someone.  I remember Auntie doing that shortly before she passed away, so it always is slightly unnerving.  Mom is only the 2nd person that I have really sat and watched this happen with, so in my very limited experience, I'm just comparing the two situations in my head.

Mom told Kathy last night that she wants to get her friends together to let them divide her stamping and craft stuff among them.  I don't think I'm really ready for that.  I mean, it will never be easy, but I just am not ready to watch her stuff disappear out of the house yet.  She's already talked to us kids about what she wants each of us to have, but we all 3 firmly refuse to take anything for now.  For Pete's sake, she's still here!  To me, and to all 3 of us kids, it feels very disrespectful to start that stuff now.  There will be plenty of time to divide stuff up later.

Being caught up in all this, we kinda get tunnel vision.  I will occasionally almost forget that there is an end in sight here, or that there is even a world going on outside.  Pete and I went to dinner a few nights ago, and it is just so odd to be in public with people laughing, and talking, and going on about their daily lives.  I think I wrote about this before, but one night we went to one of my favorite restaurants, and happened to be seated next to the only group in the whole place celebrating a birthday - their Mom's.  We were nearly finished by the time they were singing happy birthday, but I still had my tostada in my hand, and when they started singing "happy birthday MOM" I think I just dropped my food and walked out.  Hopefully it won't be like this forever.

I got to have the most LOVELY conversation (insert sarcasm here) with my grandmother the other day.  She told me that I have been selfish to not have kids yet, that I was denying my Mom her dream of being a grandmother, and now she is dying.  I understand that she is grieving, we all are.  I kindly explained to her that EVERYONE, grandparents included, encouraged us to NOT have kids till we were completely finished with school, which JUST HAPPENED.  Plus, if God wanted us to have kids right now, we would, birth control or no.  I then went on to explain that if I were to get pregnant right now, it would be very unhealthy, as I'm forgetting to eat and drink, and having to be reminded to do so.  I couldn't even fathom it.  I feel like if I got pregnant now, I would be doing my child a HUGE disservice, becuase I couldn't be totally focused.  Honestly, with all this going on, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up miscarrying just because of all the stress.  Yeah, that's one conversation I NEVER want to have again.  Next time, my response will be something like "We've already discussed this."

Pray that we don't all start losing our tempers with each other.  Everyone is starting to get short fuses.  We've had LOTS of family time, LOTS.  ALL of the grandparents are forgetting to put in, or turn on, or turn up, their hearing aids.  We're getting lots of "Huh?" "What?" "What'd you say?" shouted at us, even when Mom is trying to sleep.  Usually we can kinda laugh it off, but it's getting REALLY old, REALLY fast.

Please continue to pray for us.  Thankfully we are having some definite moments we can laugh at, but we are all starting to hit the breaking point.