This is Only a Test... (originally posted 7/8/2009)

...of my nerves and sanity!!

Mom had a pretty lousy weekend. She felt terrible the whole time, didn't even get to enjoy the 4th.

Mom and Dad went to San Antonio to start the trial at CTRC. Trial is probably the right word here, not experimental treatment. So, yesterday (tuesday) they went in to get her started. She told the doctors there that she had been vomiting a lot, and hasn't been able to keep much down. So they checked her blood, and whaddya know, her potassium was dangerously low again. So was something else, but I can't remember what. To keep her from having a heart attack (literally) they admitted her to the hospital down there in San Antonio (Christus Santa Rosa I think) to get her fluids back up. This is the first time that I have not been able to get to her while she's been in the hospital. Obviously, I can't just up and drive 6 hours to see her in the hospital. Aunt Jean and Uncle Everett generoulsy let my dad stay over at their house (Mom and Dad had been at Aunt Elvis' this time - trying hard not to wear out their welcome!!) while all tihs is going on.

So Mom called me last night, very upset. She's upset because she's in the hospital in a different city, and she's afraid Dad's scared (he is) and she's tired that I have to keep being her cheerleader. She puts on a good, brave, front most of the time. She was crying pretty hard, I had a hard time understanding her, but I was able to get most of it.

I reminded her that its all going to work out. We love her, and are always praying for her, that she will get better.

Today, they released her and she is headed back to CTRC to start the treatments for cancer. Mom is very up and down. I can tell that all this back and forth is really taking a toll on her.

Nothing about this has been easy, almost like there's some reason we shouldn't do this treatment. Obstacles just keep popping up. I've been praying and asking if this is the sign to keep persevering, or to the sign to stop. So far, no answer. OK, so for now we keep persevering.

Pray for our sanity! It seems almost like a joke to say that, but lets just say that its a good thing I started hilighting my hair a couple of years ago, so it covers the gray that is creeping in from all this!! Pray for Mom to have some emotional stability. She's so all over the place right now, not that the rest of us aren't. Pray for Dad. I've watched him age about 10 years in the past 2. He loves Mom to death, and will do anything for her, but we can't risk him losing his job with having to take off so much. Pray that Hailey will come to terms with everything. Her method of dealing with all this is to NOT deal with it, and basically pretend it's all OK. Pray that Eric can let himself become more emotionally invested in this. He told me that he refuses to let himself cry or anything, since it all began over two years ago. Even my husband has cried over this, it's not healthy. Pray for Pete and I. I have basically fallen into the role my Mom has always had up till now, of being the famliy cheerleader and support. My sweet hubby has let me fall apart on him so many times. And he just has so much on his plate right now. He takes the Bar exam in less than 3 weeks (think of, three months after you graduated from college, you have a test that is 3 days long that tests everything you ever learned in college in minute detail, and if you don't pass this test, all the work you did in college is worthless until you do pass, because without passing this test, your degree is absolutely worthless.) and is having his "Oh, CRAP!!!" moment. Plus we are searching for a job for him. Preferably here in Fort worth/Dallas/Arlington, so we don't have to move.

OK, that's all for now. Really, I am handling everything OK for now. I am firmly convinced that everything will turn out fine.

************UPDATE 5:15 pm******************

I talked to Mom this afternoon. Currently, the doctors at CTRC feel she is too unstable physically to do this treatment. So, she is out of this program, which is really disappointing.

They will let her know if they have anything new come open, once she is stable. Being in the hospital two times in 7 days is not exactly the essence of stability. From the medical point of view, I get it. It's a HUGE risk to be doing experimental therapy anyway, becuase they really don't know exactly how the drug works, the side effects,etc. Putting someone who is an sunstable as Mom is currently, would probably send their malpractice rates through the roof. And, since I have to pay malpractice for myself, let me tell you - it is NOT CHEAP!!! As a daughter, though...this is heartbreaking. Mom is so disappointed. We were really hoping that this would work. As in, we could actually START treatment. Maybe something else will come open.

Things look pretty bleak right now. Please pray that Mom will stabilize, because with her as unstable as she currently is, she can't really do ANY treatment.