I feel like I'm living on a roller coaster (originally posted on 5/28/2009)

So, today, after all the waiting, all the hoping and answered prayers, we got some news that was pretty devastating.

The hospital in Dallas that had accepted Mom for her experimental chemo stuff called to tell her that she was no longer a candidate. Basically, some of her blood levels are too high, plus she has been treated with more than one kind of chemo, so it boils down to she is too advanced too qualify for this clinical trial.

I am going back and forth between crying/sadness and anger.

I am so sad, because I'm just not ready to give up, but NOTHING is working. Everywhere we turn, every time we get the teensiest sliver of hope, it is just completely obliterated. I'm also angry, furious really, because what kind of people give someone hope that hey, this just might be the cure that we've been searching for for the past few years, then oh, sorry, we can't offer you that hope becaues we think you're too sick. Back to square one. Better off if they'd not bothered wasting our time for the past month.

We are going to be trying to get her in at MD Anderson with some clinical trials that look promising, we have to get her oncologist to sign off on it first. Lots of the medical stuff we learned during dental school is fading (sorry to all those professors who tried so hard to stuff it in my brain...) but I can still interpret what the trials are looking for/not looking for - mostly. We also may get a second opinion from another oncologist. While I think her oncologist is terrific, he has actually encouraged us to get a second and third opinion, so we might get more options.

Thankfully, a friend of a friend has been dealing with this for the past 5 years. OK, not really thankfully, becaues it totally sucks for her. But at least there is someone else out there who has dealt with this. Anyway, this young lady was given about 6 months to live over 5 years ago, and like mom, she has a VERY rare form of cancer. She has graciously passed on her oncologists' information, and is actively looking for more clinical trials mom might qualify for.

I cannot express my thanks enough to this young woman. She has never met us, would never know us if she passed us on the street. Yet, becuase of all she has gone through, she is working hard to help us out.

I guess right now we all feel like the air was let out of the balloon. We finally had some hope for this cancer, and frankly we're pretty devastated. I feel like we're just living on the roller coaster, trying to not get too excited about anything positive, becuase we've had the rug jerked out from under us so much that, by this point, we kinda expect it. Think Charlie Brown with the football...so hopeful each time that he won't just end up on his rear...yet he ends up there regardless. Currently, I can empathize.

This is probably one of the lowest nights I've had in months. I know it is for my parents as well. We're just not ready to give up and call it quits though, which is good. But we also know that this next phase is probably going to be more difficult. God only knows, which is good, because I can hardly handle it as it comes, I can't imagine if I actually knew what was coming. It's all just so overwhelming. Please continue your prayers for our whole family.