Still Here

It's strange how you just get yourself so busy you can almost forget everything else.

That's been what we're doing. 

I've been working, plus taking CE classes.  Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon.  Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school.  Eric is working both of his jobs.  We are putting in as many hours as we can.  In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.

We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week.  Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house. 

We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done.  The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom.  The kitchen and living areas are clean.  Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.

We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game.  No, HPU games don't count.  If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand.  Pete was SUPER excited.  Pete also went back to choir at church.  I can't, not yet.  I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance".  Soon, hopefully.

We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week.  Great stress relief.  Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.

Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.

Every day is a little easier.  I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work.  Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot.  But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table.  Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.

I'm concerned about Granny.  She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday.  I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy.  If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me.  She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet.  I understand, but I think at this point it's time.

Our family really appreciates all the prayers.  While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain.  We miss her deeply.  But we all know that this is part of the plan.  Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.

Learning to Cope

It's been a week.  She's been gone a week.

I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.

I just miss her so much.  Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary.  It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary.  We had him over for dinner, to try to help.  I don't know if it did any good.

I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one.  Not for us, anyway.

To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems.  He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery.  Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is. 

God and I have been having a discussion this week.  I've just about hit my limit.  I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that.  So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital?  For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times?  Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break?  I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens."  I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.

Sorry for being so down and out tonight.  Just hits me sometimes.

Another New Normal

Well, it's over.

This week, I mean.  This has been the longest week of my life.

The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be.  There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long.  The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room.  When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!!  He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms.  Mom would have LOVED it.

The funeral was hard.  I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while.  But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them.  Jim did a really good job.  I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.

It really was nice to see all the extended family.  Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time.  Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone.  Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out.  Next time, I will be there.

We are learning to adjust to our new life.  We are all going back to work/school Monday.  I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me.  Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow.  We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow.  I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead.  Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.

Funny, the things that keep popping into my head.  Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures.  Lunch after hair appointments.  Chatting on the phone on my way to work.  Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house.  That stuff is gone.  I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding.  I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff.  Already do.

Pray for us as we find our footing.  I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling.  We are all learning to adjust right now.

Arrangements

Well, everything is set.

Visitation will be at Greenwood Funeral Home on Thursday night, from 6-8 pm.

The funeral will be Friday at 1pm, at Christ Chapel Bible Church (ccbcfamily.org) in the small sanctuary.  Graveside service will follow at Greenwood.

We went Monday afternoon to pick everything out.  I think we did a good job.  The first spot we looked at for her burial plot was nice, because it was under a grove of oak trees, but Hailey didn't like it.  There was a cemetary wall (huge cement thing) right by the trees, with a run-down looking house overlooking it.  So, we looked at another one, towards the back of the cemetary.  It is in the area that is the highest spot in the cemetary, lots of sun, but very close to a young tree that will shade more within a couple of years.  Dad likes it, and he asked if we could do the thing where, instead of purchasing 2 burial plots next to each other, they could "stack" the coffins.  Baiscally, it puts the first coffin about 10 feet down, the second about 6 feet down.  That way they can be together.

The funny part about where Mom will be buried is that, when she taught Hailey and I to drive, that is where we would start.  She always said that by teaching us to drive in the cemetary, we wouldn't kill anything. :-)  Good memories.  Hailey remembers her saying, "Don't give me any of those huge gaudy tombstones.  I want something small.  See that one?  That's tacky.  And that one is ugly.  You better not get me anything ugly!"  Classic Mom.

We are muddling through.  Lots of random moments of total breakdowns.  But still, a lot of laughter, and a lot of smiles.

Our hearts are broken, but we have been discussing what must be going on in Heaven.  "You know, Donna, I've been able to run this place for thousands of years." "Yes, but you really need a welcoming committee.  Let me head it up, and we'll make welcome cards!"  It brings smiles to our faces.

Please continue to pray for us.  This next year is REALLY going to suck.

Amazing Grace...Blessed Assurance

These are 2 of my mom's favorite hymms, and mine too.

Most of you have heard by now our sad news.

Mom passed into heaven this morning.

Lots of tears all around.

Sorry, I didn't post Saturday when things changed.  She apparently got very agitated Friday night, and Dad got no sleep at all.  We made the choice to call in 24/7 hospice critical care nurses, knowing we were nearly there.  We opted to not go back to the hospital for end stage hospice, we were happy having her at home.

Most of yesterday she was mostly sedated, but she would still moan in pain.  We were able to give more medications as we felt it was necessary to keep her comfortable.  Her blood pressure kept dropping.  When we left last night, it was around 50/30.

I got a call from Dad this morning about 7 AM, saying that they could no longer register her blood pressure, but she was still breathing.  We raced over as fast as we could get out of PJ's.

She was still with us for a while, we got to take turns sitting and holding her hands and talking to her.  We all reassured her that we kept our promise, she was never alone through the whole time.  Around 9:30, she was gone.

Lots of tears.  But, ya know?  There is a lot of rejoicing.

No more pain.  No more testing.  No more surgery.  Just eternal happiness and praise.

We swear, she is already organizing a stamping party in heaven, and has joined the welcome committee.

Currently we are planning on the service being Friday at 10 am at Christ Chapel Bible Church, at 30 and Montgomery in Fort Worth, but I will confirm that tomorrow after the church office is open.

We kids (all 4 of us, Pete loved her so much) went with Dad to the funeral home to help pick everything out.  We then headed to the mall, because Dad didn't have a suit and Hailey left her stuff at school.  Everything is now taken care of.

I have repeatedly asked for prayer, and I know that.  Now, I will ask for prayer for us.  Like King David said in 2 Samuel, "22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

We feel so much pain right now.  And so much more in the days to come.  But right now, for the moment at least, there is peace. 

Shortly after she passed, before they came to get her body to take to the funeral home (another experience I would opt out of EVER doing again, BTW), Pete and I were sitting on the stairs, crying.  God brought to mind a beautiful song, a version of Amazing Grace that Chris Tomlin sings.  Buy it on iTunes, seriously.  The chorus, which I have had running through my head all day says "My chains are gone, I've been set free.  'Cuz God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."  Makes me cry even just typing it.  Her chains are GONE!!!  She is FREE!!!

Thank you, God, for ending her pain and suffering.  I know You will comfort us as we begin ours.

Continuation

We are still hanging in there.

Mom is going more downhill every day.  She has fewer and fewer lucid moments.  She is barely understandable most of the time, then other times she is very clear in what she says.

We are still finding humor in all this.  Mom's personality that we know and love so much is still very much intact.

Yesterday, Pete and I were taking care of her and just holding her hands while Dad ran a few errands and Kathy and Robert were upstairs.  Mom kinda came to for just a few minutes, asking who was all there.  We told her that it was us.  She said "I'm tired of talking to you.  Can you find anyone else?"  We did laugh at that, quietly.

Basically, though, we are all just hanging around, talking to her when she is awake and lucid, trying to make her keep her clothes on (no one ever told me that people in the last days of their lives try to strip continually!!!) and just going along with whatever she says.

Quote of the day from yesterday:

Kathy "Nicole, could you please come over here and convince your mother to stop stripping?"
Me "Momma, lets keep your gown on until the lady gets here so we can take a bath, ok?"
Mom "But I'm not gonna be embarassed!"

Really, it was pretty funny.  Dad said he never knew Mom had a voyeuristic side to her!!

I think you have to find humor in all this, or else you spend the entire time crying.  And there is plenty of that going on as it is!!

Hailey has decided to come home for a while.  Even though TCU is only a 20 minute drive away, she felt like she wanted to be home for this.  She said that she doesn't want to be in class, or even worse in marching practice where she can't leave, when she gets the call that Mom is gone.  We get it.  Dad isn't working for now, his bosses have graciously given him the time off that he needs.  Kathy has rescheduled her clients, and Robert has cleared it with his boss to be off and here.  Depending on how the rest of the weekend goes, I might go back to work Tuesday, I might not.  Right now I'm leaning towards not, but Pete wants me to go unless it is the Very End.  I really would rather be here with my family, with my mom.

Occasionally, Mom will recognize me, and when she does, she gives lots of hugs and kisses.  I know I won't be able to have too many more of those hugs and kisses, so it's OK that she showers me with them right now.  Even though it does make me cry, which she doesn't understand.  Mostly she will recognize Dad, or Granny and PawPaw.  Last night, she wanted to sit with Dad, so he pulled a chair over to the hospital bed and put his arm around her.  She dozed off, leaning against his arm.  It was very sweet.

Growing up, I knew Mom and Dad loved each other, but I never saw them as more than my parents.  Now, I am seeing them as the couple they are.  Dad loves her so much, and this is just killing him.  She will wake up and kiss him frequently.  If he isn't in the room, she asks for "my Phil."  He always comes running.

Please continue to pray for us.  We know the time is drawing near when we will lose her.  In some ways it will be a relief to finally have this over, to know she is no longer in pain.  She is ready.  She has earned her reward.

On the Downhill Slope

Things have changed dramatically since Friday.

Mom is having trouble remembering her nouns, including names, places, etc.  She kept asking for her pickles tonight, and really meant her eyeglasses.  She also told Hailey that she wanted applesauce, then when Hailey questioned her, she kissed Hay on the cheek and said "Applesauce!  That's what I wanted!!"  So now my sister and I may have a sweet inside joke.

For the woman who can talk paint off the walls, she can't even put a coherent sentence together.  Or, if she can do one, she can't say more than 2 or 3.  We are having to have REALLY short conversations.

I don't think she's in pain.  I think she is making perfect sense to herself.  I know that in the very end-stage of cancer, the brain gets all confused on nouns.

Yes, I did just say the very end-stage.  Without a miracle, I think we are there.

Strangely, I think we are all at peace about this.  Obviously, I don't want my mom to die.  I love her so much.  But quite frankly, and anyone who has seen her since Staurday can verify this, she is not the woman who raised me.  This is NOT my mom.  I mean, it is obviously her body.  But this, this shriveled little lady who can't make a complete coherent thought or take a bath without freaking out (scared the home health aide to death I think!!), this is not mom.

I'm not happy at the idea of her leaving us.  Please don't misunderstand me.  There have been more tears shed in the last month than in the last 2 years.  I am completely devastated, as we all are.

But there is a certain peace that has flowed through all of us.  It truly is the Peace That Passes Understanding.  Because there is no logical reason that we should have peace right now.  God is showing me how much He defies logic.

So many people right now are asking us what they can do.  Frankly, here is a list.

1. If you are not a Christian, please, talk to someone.  A pastor, a friend, heck, email me.  While I would NEVER wish this experience on ANYONE, my faith has not been shaken once, it has actually held firm and grown through this.  If you are a Christian, it is my deepest hope that you will take a cue from Mom, and tell others.  I have been challenged by my mother's actions, that if she can witness to someone on her deathbed, how much more can I do?

2. Do anything and everything you can to avoid cancer.  Wear sunscreen.  Buy organic when possible and not outrageously more expensive.  Make your household cleaners, or use the "earth friendly" ones.  I am by no means a tree-hugger or jumping on the global warming bandwagon (I have too much of a science background to believe 99% of that stuff) but the truth is, we consume SO MANY chemicals every single day that we don't think about, and we don't know what all the long term effects are.  Lose weight if you need to.  In my family, cancer is extremely prevalent.  My generation (Hailey, Eric, and myself) are the ONLY generation not yet affected by cancer - on BOTH SIDES.  We have vowed to to everything possible, within reason, to avoid having to put our families through this in 30 years.  Gosh, in my case, only 20.

3. Pray for us.  I have repeatedly asked for prayer.  I know so many of you are praying for our family, and I appreciate it.  We can feel it.  God is giving us strength and peace.  We will need much prayer in the days to come, because without divine intervention, and FAST, I simply don't see how Mom will make it very many more days.

So, there you have it.  My wish list of things that everyone can do to help us.  Maybe it seems simple, and it is, but if everyone who reads this will do these things, we will see a huge change, not only in ourselves, but in our families, our workplaces, and just in our lives in general.