I really feel like that's what I am screaming at the top of my inner lungs.
The last couple of weeks have been good.
Mom's birthday was a difficult day. We knew it would be. But we all did OK. It was very strange to not try to pick out the perfect present. The whole weekend was difficult. But, we had something that made the tough weekend more bearable...
Pete passed the Texas State Bar Exam!!!!!!!!!!!
He's officially a lawyer now. We went down to Austin last weekend for him to be sworn in by the Supreme Court of Texas. It was really cool, and most of our friends from law school also went down, so we had a fun weekend. He does have a temporary job doing electronic discovery through a company that was hired by a large law firm for a HUGE case they are working on. It's supposed to go through March, but we will continue looking at employment possibilities before then.
This week has been difficult.
Let me just say, I HATE hospitals. I know now why God had me be a dentist, not a doctor. I would probably throw myself off a building if I had to work in one every day, at least after this year.
Pawpaw (Mom's dad, Vernon) is in the hospital this week. I can't honestly remember him ever being sick, other than maybe a head cold, and one bout with pneumonia a few years ago.
He is very anemic, and his blood pressure is very high. They think there is a bleed internally, so they will be doing a colonoscopy tomorrow, as well as the other version where they go into the stomach through the mouth to check for ulcers, bleeds, etc. He looks much better today than yesterday, actually has some color in his face. Pray that everything turns out ok for him.
Granny is NOT taking this well. I''m having trouble getting her to eat much, and she won't go home to do anything other than shower and change clothes. So she isn't sleeping well. She's very stressed, which exacerbates her Alzheimer's. Usually, her Alzheimer's isn't too bad, but tonight she couldn't remember what she was supposed to be doing, why she came into a room, etc. And she is very short tempered. I know I'm not the most patient person when stressed, but she's very snappy right now.
I was surprised how much Harris hospital upsets me now. Granddad (my Dad's dad) has been in the heart building 3 times in the past 3 months, and it hasn't bothered me, other than the simple fact that he is in the hospital. But PawPaw is in the main building. In the same tower Mom was in. 4 floors up. On the same hallway. It didn't occur to me which tower we were in until I was leaving last night, because we went to the tower via the underground tunnel system. Then the elevator stopped on 2. I saw the Palliative Care unit right in front of me, and nearly lost it. When I reached my car, I realized my hands were really hurting, and when I looked down, I was shocked to see I was clenching them so tight they were white, and I was having trouble breathing. I really never thought I would be there again, I had absolutely no intentions of EVER being there again.
Pray for my PawPaw. I'm nervous about the tests tomorrow. I know it's probably perfectly fine. But, well, you've read the blogs. Anyone who has known me over the past 3 years knows why I'm nervous. Please pray for Granny too. And since Rob and Kathy live in New Mexico, my mom made me promise to take care of her parents. So I try.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Life Moves On
We have kinda fallen into the rythym of life again.
Things are actually going pretty well for us. Sure, there are lots of difficult moments, but we are adjusting.
It's funny how, over the past few weeks, things are starting to make sense. I feel like I'm finally beginning to be myself again. On the downside, I've put back on about 7 pounds, so I'm working REALLY hard on getting back on the diet/exercise routine.
I have grown up going to church every Sunday for my entire life. I've probably missed fewer than 25 Sunday's in my life, including being sick. This isn't to brag, it's making a point.
I have grown up singing. Hymns, choruses, Christian songs, the whole nine yards.
After going through all the stuff that has happened to us over the past year, the songs, the ones I've grown up singing, take on a whole new meaning. Obviously, the hymns we sang at Mom's funeral are a No-Go right now. Just simply playing "How Great Thou Art" nearly does me in. We went to church with Pete's parents on Sunday because his Dad was getting some award, and I did fine through the whole service till the offertory...you guessed it, they played "How Great Thou Art." As soon as the piano played the opening chords, Pete just handed over the handkerchief. He knows me so well.
Seriously, though, next time you sing a hymn, or a chorus, or even listen to music, really LISTEN to the words. Think about what you are saying. Not to make yourself cry (though I certainly do a lot) but to fully appreciate and personalize the song. For me at least, it has changed how I sing.
I am a little nervous about the next few weeks. Like I said, most of the time, I am really OK. But Mom's birthday is coming up. Not sure how I will handle that. We forgot her birthday one year when I was little, ALL of us, till Hailey piped up with "Happy Birthday Mommy!!" at dinner. She just thanked Hailey while the rest of us exchanged panicked glances. She told us later that she didn't want us to make it up, but we were to NEVER forget it again. I PROMISE we NEVER forgot again!
She was sick on her 50th birthday, so last year I threw her a huge birthday party for her 51st. I'm really glad we got to do that. I remember Pete and I got her tickets to the Amy Grant concert that was coming to town, she had always wanted to see Amy Grant in concert and she was super excited. She and Dad had a good time. Well, she did. Dad just tolerated it, but he's not a huge fan of Amy Grant - nothing personal, just doesn't like the music.
So, we will see how things go.
Things are actually going pretty well for us. Sure, there are lots of difficult moments, but we are adjusting.
It's funny how, over the past few weeks, things are starting to make sense. I feel like I'm finally beginning to be myself again. On the downside, I've put back on about 7 pounds, so I'm working REALLY hard on getting back on the diet/exercise routine.
I have grown up going to church every Sunday for my entire life. I've probably missed fewer than 25 Sunday's in my life, including being sick. This isn't to brag, it's making a point.
I have grown up singing. Hymns, choruses, Christian songs, the whole nine yards.
After going through all the stuff that has happened to us over the past year, the songs, the ones I've grown up singing, take on a whole new meaning. Obviously, the hymns we sang at Mom's funeral are a No-Go right now. Just simply playing "How Great Thou Art" nearly does me in. We went to church with Pete's parents on Sunday because his Dad was getting some award, and I did fine through the whole service till the offertory...you guessed it, they played "How Great Thou Art." As soon as the piano played the opening chords, Pete just handed over the handkerchief. He knows me so well.
Seriously, though, next time you sing a hymn, or a chorus, or even listen to music, really LISTEN to the words. Think about what you are saying. Not to make yourself cry (though I certainly do a lot) but to fully appreciate and personalize the song. For me at least, it has changed how I sing.
I am a little nervous about the next few weeks. Like I said, most of the time, I am really OK. But Mom's birthday is coming up. Not sure how I will handle that. We forgot her birthday one year when I was little, ALL of us, till Hailey piped up with "Happy Birthday Mommy!!" at dinner. She just thanked Hailey while the rest of us exchanged panicked glances. She told us later that she didn't want us to make it up, but we were to NEVER forget it again. I PROMISE we NEVER forgot again!
She was sick on her 50th birthday, so last year I threw her a huge birthday party for her 51st. I'm really glad we got to do that. I remember Pete and I got her tickets to the Amy Grant concert that was coming to town, she had always wanted to see Amy Grant in concert and she was super excited. She and Dad had a good time. Well, she did. Dad just tolerated it, but he's not a huge fan of Amy Grant - nothing personal, just doesn't like the music.
So, we will see how things go.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Still Here
It's strange how you just get yourself so busy you can almost forget everything else.
That's been what we're doing.
I've been working, plus taking CE classes. Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon. Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school. Eric is working both of his jobs. We are putting in as many hours as we can. In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.
We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week. Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house.
We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done. The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living areas are clean. Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.
We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game. No, HPU games don't count. If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand. Pete was SUPER excited. Pete also went back to choir at church. I can't, not yet. I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance". Soon, hopefully.
We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week. Great stress relief. Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.
Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.
Every day is a little easier. I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work. Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot. But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table. Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.
I'm concerned about Granny. She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday. I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy. If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me. She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet. I understand, but I think at this point it's time.
Our family really appreciates all the prayers. While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain. We miss her deeply. But we all know that this is part of the plan. Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.
That's been what we're doing.
I've been working, plus taking CE classes. Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon. Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school. Eric is working both of his jobs. We are putting in as many hours as we can. In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.
We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week. Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house.
We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done. The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living areas are clean. Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.
We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game. No, HPU games don't count. If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand. Pete was SUPER excited. Pete also went back to choir at church. I can't, not yet. I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance". Soon, hopefully.
We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week. Great stress relief. Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.
Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.
Every day is a little easier. I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work. Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot. But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table. Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.
I'm concerned about Granny. She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday. I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy. If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me. She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet. I understand, but I think at this point it's time.
Our family really appreciates all the prayers. While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain. We miss her deeply. But we all know that this is part of the plan. Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Learning to Cope
It's been a week. She's been gone a week.
I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.
I just miss her so much. Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary. It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary. We had him over for dinner, to try to help. I don't know if it did any good.
I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one. Not for us, anyway.
To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems. He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery. Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is.
God and I have been having a discussion this week. I've just about hit my limit. I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that. So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital? For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times? Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break? I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens." I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.
Sorry for being so down and out tonight. Just hits me sometimes.
I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.
I just miss her so much. Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary. It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary. We had him over for dinner, to try to help. I don't know if it did any good.
I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one. Not for us, anyway.
To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems. He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery. Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is.
God and I have been having a discussion this week. I've just about hit my limit. I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that. So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital? For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times? Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break? I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens." I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.
Sorry for being so down and out tonight. Just hits me sometimes.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Another New Normal
Well, it's over.
This week, I mean. This has been the longest week of my life.
The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be. There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long. The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room. When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!! He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms. Mom would have LOVED it.
The funeral was hard. I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while. But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them. Jim did a really good job. I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.
It really was nice to see all the extended family. Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time. Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone. Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out. Next time, I will be there.
We are learning to adjust to our new life. We are all going back to work/school Monday. I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me. Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow. We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow. I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead. Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.
Funny, the things that keep popping into my head. Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures. Lunch after hair appointments. Chatting on the phone on my way to work. Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house. That stuff is gone. I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding. I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff. Already do.
Pray for us as we find our footing. I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling. We are all learning to adjust right now.
This week, I mean. This has been the longest week of my life.
The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be. There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long. The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room. When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!! He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms. Mom would have LOVED it.
The funeral was hard. I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while. But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them. Jim did a really good job. I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.
It really was nice to see all the extended family. Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time. Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone. Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out. Next time, I will be there.
We are learning to adjust to our new life. We are all going back to work/school Monday. I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me. Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow. We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow. I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead. Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.
Funny, the things that keep popping into my head. Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures. Lunch after hair appointments. Chatting on the phone on my way to work. Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house. That stuff is gone. I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding. I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff. Already do.
Pray for us as we find our footing. I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling. We are all learning to adjust right now.
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