We're almost there...2009 is almost over!!!!
Forgive the excitement, this year has been one for the books. About the only positive thing I will take from this year is my sweet hubby graduating and passing the bar exam. Other than that, I'm willing to write off this year entirely.
I know it's been a while since I posted. One of my resolutions is to be better about posting. More on the resolutions later.
We made it though the holidays. I can safely say that now, with a quick prayer in reference to the rest of today.
This year, our aim was simply to make it through. Yes there were tears, but not as many as I was afraid of. No one cried when we were all together, so that was good.
My birthday was difficult for me. Not because I turned 30, I frankly could care less. As terrible as 29 was, I was ready to have the dang year over. No, it was difficult because last year, Mom made a huge deal out of throwing me a party, which was a blast! The next day, she started getting sick. And, as you all know, she never really got better.
Christmas was weird, not having her here. We changed up what we always do, so it was a season of new beginnings. I had a hard time decorating for Christmas, but we went on and put up most of our decorations. Dad didn't, he didn't want to. Hailey told him he didn't have a choice. She compromised by not putting a tree up, but she did do the table settings and some knick-knacks, including Creepy Santa.
(Creepy Santa is a Santa that Mom was given several years ago by one of my grandmothers, I don't remember which one. He is about 3-1/2 feet tall, too tall to fit in the closet where all the Christmas stuff goes, so the rest of the year he sits behind the open closet door in Mom's stamp room. Zoe always moves the door about halfway, and if you aren't paying attention, out of the corner of your eye you just see this fuzzy man staring at you from behind the door. He's also dressed in all gray, rather than red, so we have nicknamed him Creepy Santa)
It snowed here a LOT on Christmas Eve, which was really cool. We had about 6 inches in the back yard, and I'm honestly not exaggerating on that one! The only problem was the half-inch of solid ice that was under the snow, which made getting around...interesting. We've never had a white Christmas before, and it was peaceful. Other than the driving.
I know we all make "resolutions" for New years, and I'm no different. Some years I am really good about them, others I'm not so good. Last year my big one was to get healthy. So, Pete and I both lost weight (him about 25 pounds, me about 40) and started eating better. My other one was to spend time with my family, which I will never regret doing.
This year, I have a few more.
1) Finish losing the weight - about 25 more pounds, since I put back on about 5 that I lost over the holidays!
2) Continue to spend time with my family. Hailey and I are getting really close, which I love.
3) Complete my stockings. (I'm making stockings for my mother in law for the whole family - very involved and time consuming!! But they're SOOO cute when they're done!)
4) Do the half-marathon. Hailey and I are signing up for one in April, which gives us about 15 weeks to get ready. We're also doing a 10K at the halfway point.
5) KEEP EVERYONE OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. I can't stress that one enough!!!
6) Be more positive
Hopefully I can do these. I am supported by a wonderful family and an amazing husband.
I am also continuing to use this blog as a little bit of therapy. It may take me a while to get over everything that happened this year. Forgive me sounding dramatic, but this was a very traumatic year and experience.
So, I wish everyone a happy new year, and we can all celebrate that 2009 is OVER!!!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
What now?!?!?
I really feel like that's what I am screaming at the top of my inner lungs.
The last couple of weeks have been good.
Mom's birthday was a difficult day. We knew it would be. But we all did OK. It was very strange to not try to pick out the perfect present. The whole weekend was difficult. But, we had something that made the tough weekend more bearable...
Pete passed the Texas State Bar Exam!!!!!!!!!!!
He's officially a lawyer now. We went down to Austin last weekend for him to be sworn in by the Supreme Court of Texas. It was really cool, and most of our friends from law school also went down, so we had a fun weekend. He does have a temporary job doing electronic discovery through a company that was hired by a large law firm for a HUGE case they are working on. It's supposed to go through March, but we will continue looking at employment possibilities before then.
This week has been difficult.
Let me just say, I HATE hospitals. I know now why God had me be a dentist, not a doctor. I would probably throw myself off a building if I had to work in one every day, at least after this year.
Pawpaw (Mom's dad, Vernon) is in the hospital this week. I can't honestly remember him ever being sick, other than maybe a head cold, and one bout with pneumonia a few years ago.
He is very anemic, and his blood pressure is very high. They think there is a bleed internally, so they will be doing a colonoscopy tomorrow, as well as the other version where they go into the stomach through the mouth to check for ulcers, bleeds, etc. He looks much better today than yesterday, actually has some color in his face. Pray that everything turns out ok for him.
Granny is NOT taking this well. I''m having trouble getting her to eat much, and she won't go home to do anything other than shower and change clothes. So she isn't sleeping well. She's very stressed, which exacerbates her Alzheimer's. Usually, her Alzheimer's isn't too bad, but tonight she couldn't remember what she was supposed to be doing, why she came into a room, etc. And she is very short tempered. I know I'm not the most patient person when stressed, but she's very snappy right now.
I was surprised how much Harris hospital upsets me now. Granddad (my Dad's dad) has been in the heart building 3 times in the past 3 months, and it hasn't bothered me, other than the simple fact that he is in the hospital. But PawPaw is in the main building. In the same tower Mom was in. 4 floors up. On the same hallway. It didn't occur to me which tower we were in until I was leaving last night, because we went to the tower via the underground tunnel system. Then the elevator stopped on 2. I saw the Palliative Care unit right in front of me, and nearly lost it. When I reached my car, I realized my hands were really hurting, and when I looked down, I was shocked to see I was clenching them so tight they were white, and I was having trouble breathing. I really never thought I would be there again, I had absolutely no intentions of EVER being there again.
Pray for my PawPaw. I'm nervous about the tests tomorrow. I know it's probably perfectly fine. But, well, you've read the blogs. Anyone who has known me over the past 3 years knows why I'm nervous. Please pray for Granny too. And since Rob and Kathy live in New Mexico, my mom made me promise to take care of her parents. So I try.
The last couple of weeks have been good.
Mom's birthday was a difficult day. We knew it would be. But we all did OK. It was very strange to not try to pick out the perfect present. The whole weekend was difficult. But, we had something that made the tough weekend more bearable...
Pete passed the Texas State Bar Exam!!!!!!!!!!!
He's officially a lawyer now. We went down to Austin last weekend for him to be sworn in by the Supreme Court of Texas. It was really cool, and most of our friends from law school also went down, so we had a fun weekend. He does have a temporary job doing electronic discovery through a company that was hired by a large law firm for a HUGE case they are working on. It's supposed to go through March, but we will continue looking at employment possibilities before then.
This week has been difficult.
Let me just say, I HATE hospitals. I know now why God had me be a dentist, not a doctor. I would probably throw myself off a building if I had to work in one every day, at least after this year.
Pawpaw (Mom's dad, Vernon) is in the hospital this week. I can't honestly remember him ever being sick, other than maybe a head cold, and one bout with pneumonia a few years ago.
He is very anemic, and his blood pressure is very high. They think there is a bleed internally, so they will be doing a colonoscopy tomorrow, as well as the other version where they go into the stomach through the mouth to check for ulcers, bleeds, etc. He looks much better today than yesterday, actually has some color in his face. Pray that everything turns out ok for him.
Granny is NOT taking this well. I''m having trouble getting her to eat much, and she won't go home to do anything other than shower and change clothes. So she isn't sleeping well. She's very stressed, which exacerbates her Alzheimer's. Usually, her Alzheimer's isn't too bad, but tonight she couldn't remember what she was supposed to be doing, why she came into a room, etc. And she is very short tempered. I know I'm not the most patient person when stressed, but she's very snappy right now.
I was surprised how much Harris hospital upsets me now. Granddad (my Dad's dad) has been in the heart building 3 times in the past 3 months, and it hasn't bothered me, other than the simple fact that he is in the hospital. But PawPaw is in the main building. In the same tower Mom was in. 4 floors up. On the same hallway. It didn't occur to me which tower we were in until I was leaving last night, because we went to the tower via the underground tunnel system. Then the elevator stopped on 2. I saw the Palliative Care unit right in front of me, and nearly lost it. When I reached my car, I realized my hands were really hurting, and when I looked down, I was shocked to see I was clenching them so tight they were white, and I was having trouble breathing. I really never thought I would be there again, I had absolutely no intentions of EVER being there again.
Pray for my PawPaw. I'm nervous about the tests tomorrow. I know it's probably perfectly fine. But, well, you've read the blogs. Anyone who has known me over the past 3 years knows why I'm nervous. Please pray for Granny too. And since Rob and Kathy live in New Mexico, my mom made me promise to take care of her parents. So I try.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Life Moves On
We have kinda fallen into the rythym of life again.
Things are actually going pretty well for us. Sure, there are lots of difficult moments, but we are adjusting.
It's funny how, over the past few weeks, things are starting to make sense. I feel like I'm finally beginning to be myself again. On the downside, I've put back on about 7 pounds, so I'm working REALLY hard on getting back on the diet/exercise routine.
I have grown up going to church every Sunday for my entire life. I've probably missed fewer than 25 Sunday's in my life, including being sick. This isn't to brag, it's making a point.
I have grown up singing. Hymns, choruses, Christian songs, the whole nine yards.
After going through all the stuff that has happened to us over the past year, the songs, the ones I've grown up singing, take on a whole new meaning. Obviously, the hymns we sang at Mom's funeral are a No-Go right now. Just simply playing "How Great Thou Art" nearly does me in. We went to church with Pete's parents on Sunday because his Dad was getting some award, and I did fine through the whole service till the offertory...you guessed it, they played "How Great Thou Art." As soon as the piano played the opening chords, Pete just handed over the handkerchief. He knows me so well.
Seriously, though, next time you sing a hymn, or a chorus, or even listen to music, really LISTEN to the words. Think about what you are saying. Not to make yourself cry (though I certainly do a lot) but to fully appreciate and personalize the song. For me at least, it has changed how I sing.
I am a little nervous about the next few weeks. Like I said, most of the time, I am really OK. But Mom's birthday is coming up. Not sure how I will handle that. We forgot her birthday one year when I was little, ALL of us, till Hailey piped up with "Happy Birthday Mommy!!" at dinner. She just thanked Hailey while the rest of us exchanged panicked glances. She told us later that she didn't want us to make it up, but we were to NEVER forget it again. I PROMISE we NEVER forgot again!
She was sick on her 50th birthday, so last year I threw her a huge birthday party for her 51st. I'm really glad we got to do that. I remember Pete and I got her tickets to the Amy Grant concert that was coming to town, she had always wanted to see Amy Grant in concert and she was super excited. She and Dad had a good time. Well, she did. Dad just tolerated it, but he's not a huge fan of Amy Grant - nothing personal, just doesn't like the music.
So, we will see how things go.
Things are actually going pretty well for us. Sure, there are lots of difficult moments, but we are adjusting.
It's funny how, over the past few weeks, things are starting to make sense. I feel like I'm finally beginning to be myself again. On the downside, I've put back on about 7 pounds, so I'm working REALLY hard on getting back on the diet/exercise routine.
I have grown up going to church every Sunday for my entire life. I've probably missed fewer than 25 Sunday's in my life, including being sick. This isn't to brag, it's making a point.
I have grown up singing. Hymns, choruses, Christian songs, the whole nine yards.
After going through all the stuff that has happened to us over the past year, the songs, the ones I've grown up singing, take on a whole new meaning. Obviously, the hymns we sang at Mom's funeral are a No-Go right now. Just simply playing "How Great Thou Art" nearly does me in. We went to church with Pete's parents on Sunday because his Dad was getting some award, and I did fine through the whole service till the offertory...you guessed it, they played "How Great Thou Art." As soon as the piano played the opening chords, Pete just handed over the handkerchief. He knows me so well.
Seriously, though, next time you sing a hymn, or a chorus, or even listen to music, really LISTEN to the words. Think about what you are saying. Not to make yourself cry (though I certainly do a lot) but to fully appreciate and personalize the song. For me at least, it has changed how I sing.
I am a little nervous about the next few weeks. Like I said, most of the time, I am really OK. But Mom's birthday is coming up. Not sure how I will handle that. We forgot her birthday one year when I was little, ALL of us, till Hailey piped up with "Happy Birthday Mommy!!" at dinner. She just thanked Hailey while the rest of us exchanged panicked glances. She told us later that she didn't want us to make it up, but we were to NEVER forget it again. I PROMISE we NEVER forgot again!
She was sick on her 50th birthday, so last year I threw her a huge birthday party for her 51st. I'm really glad we got to do that. I remember Pete and I got her tickets to the Amy Grant concert that was coming to town, she had always wanted to see Amy Grant in concert and she was super excited. She and Dad had a good time. Well, she did. Dad just tolerated it, but he's not a huge fan of Amy Grant - nothing personal, just doesn't like the music.
So, we will see how things go.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Still Here
It's strange how you just get yourself so busy you can almost forget everything else.
That's been what we're doing.
I've been working, plus taking CE classes. Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon. Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school. Eric is working both of his jobs. We are putting in as many hours as we can. In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.
We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week. Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house.
We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done. The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living areas are clean. Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.
We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game. No, HPU games don't count. If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand. Pete was SUPER excited. Pete also went back to choir at church. I can't, not yet. I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance". Soon, hopefully.
We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week. Great stress relief. Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.
Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.
Every day is a little easier. I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work. Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot. But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table. Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.
I'm concerned about Granny. She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday. I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy. If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me. She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet. I understand, but I think at this point it's time.
Our family really appreciates all the prayers. While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain. We miss her deeply. But we all know that this is part of the plan. Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.
That's been what we're doing.
I've been working, plus taking CE classes. Pete is currently a house-husband until he gets a job, which will hopefully be soon. Dad is working a lot, Hailey is very busy with school. Eric is working both of his jobs. We are putting in as many hours as we can. In my case, there are limits, as we have lots of other people whose schedules revolve around mine, plus it depends on when people actually show up.
We are also eating dinner together, the 5 of us (really 6, because Robert comes a lot) at least a couple of times a week. Dad has cleaned up some of the stuff in the house.
We got the living room put back together the same day that Mom passed away, it was actually really nice to have that one little thing done. The stamping classroom (AKA the gameroom that all of her stamping junk was thrown into) has been cleaned up, at least so that Dad doesn't have to look at it every single time he walks out of the bedroom. The kitchen and living areas are clean. Pete and I scrubbed our house as well.
We've gone to the TCU game last week, Pete's first "real" college football game. No, HPU games don't count. If you've ever gone to a Division 1 game, then to a Division 3 game, you understand. Pete was SUPER excited. Pete also went back to choir at church. I can't, not yet. I can't make it through the song service in the morning worship service without crying, much less stand in front of the church while we sing "Blessed Assurance". Soon, hopefully.
We've also jumped back into working out about five times a week. Great stress relief. Next week we will go back to weight lifting as well, which should tire me out quite a bit.
Like I said, we are keeping ourselves very busy.
Every day is a little easier. I've stopped expecting that morning phone call on my way to work. Dad says he's just about stopped being shocked that Mom isn't on the couch in her normal spot. But then, tonight I found her flip-flops under the coffee table. Couldn't look at them, so I just threw them back under.
I'm concerned about Granny. She hasn't been to church since all this started back in August, the first Sunday. I don't think she missed this much church when she had her mastectomy. If she doesn't go back tomorrow, I think I might say something, even just to invite her to go with me. She says she isn't ready to handle all the questions yet. I understand, but I think at this point it's time.
Our family really appreciates all the prayers. While we are hurting, very deeply, we are also resting in the comfort that Mom is peaceful, and is no longer in pain. We miss her deeply. But we all know that this is part of the plan. Now we are just trying to figure out where we fit in.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Learning to Cope
It's been a week. She's been gone a week.
I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.
I just miss her so much. Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary. It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary. We had him over for dinner, to try to help. I don't know if it did any good.
I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one. Not for us, anyway.
To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems. He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery. Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is.
God and I have been having a discussion this week. I've just about hit my limit. I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that. So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital? For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times? Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break? I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens." I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.
Sorry for being so down and out tonight. Just hits me sometimes.
I think I have cried as much this past week as I have in the last month.
I just miss her so much. Today was Mom and Dad's anniversary. It's not fair that Dad had to go to the cemetary to tell Mom happy anniversary. We had him over for dinner, to try to help. I don't know if it did any good.
I'm trying to be positive, to look at the "bright side" but right now I just don't see one. Not for us, anyway.
To make things even better, my granddad (Dad's dad) is in the hospital with heart problems. He needs surgery on a valve that isn't working properly, but he is too old and in too poor of shape to do the surgery. Seeing as he is 83, and isn't going to be running any marathons or roofing any houses, he will probably be fine with everything as it is.
God and I have been having a discussion this week. I've just about hit my limit. I just buried my Mom last week, I'm still falling apart over that. So now my Granddad has to be put in the hospital? For something that has nearly killed him 5 different times? Really, can't I get a break? Can't my FAMILY get a break? I feel like this whole entire year has been one endless episode of "Let's punch the Pugh family in the stomach to see what happens." I know He has a plan, but right now, I'm having a hard time with that.
Sorry for being so down and out tonight. Just hits me sometimes.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Another New Normal
Well, it's over.
This week, I mean. This has been the longest week of my life.
The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be. There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long. The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room. When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!! He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms. Mom would have LOVED it.
The funeral was hard. I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while. But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them. Jim did a really good job. I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.
It really was nice to see all the extended family. Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time. Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone. Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out. Next time, I will be there.
We are learning to adjust to our new life. We are all going back to work/school Monday. I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me. Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow. We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow. I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead. Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.
Funny, the things that keep popping into my head. Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures. Lunch after hair appointments. Chatting on the phone on my way to work. Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house. That stuff is gone. I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding. I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff. Already do.
Pray for us as we find our footing. I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling. We are all learning to adjust right now.
This week, I mean. This has been the longest week of my life.
The visitation/viewing wasn't nearly so hard as I expected it to be. There were so many people, I really didn't get a chance to talk to anyone for terribly long. The funeral director originally was only giving us one room for the viewing, but after we told him how many people came up to the hospital (over 200, and that DOESN'T count any repeats or family!!), he decided to open up a second room. When we went in on Tuesday to see Mom, he told us that they were going to have to install more phone lines because of how many people were calling about her!! He decided to open up a third room, which is what we had, 3 rooms. Mom would have LOVED it.
The funeral was hard. I'm going to have a hard time singing any of those songs again for a while. But, as my cousin Bobbie put it, if my (future) kids give me a funeral like that, I promise not to come back to haunt them. Jim did a really good job. I think he had a hard time, since Mom was such a good friend to Kathy, and to him.
It really was nice to see all the extended family. Most of the cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen in a long time. Terrible circumstances, but really nice to see everyone. Also, side note to the family: Sorry about not coming to McDonalds, I was just completely wiped out. Next time, I will be there.
We are learning to adjust to our new life. We are all going back to work/school Monday. I'm planning on just jumping in head first and keeping myself as busy as they will let me. Pete and I are going to church with Dad tomorrow. We will be back at Lakeside soon, but we were warned about some of the stuff that will be on the videos tomorrow. I would really rather NOT run screaming from the church in the middle of service, so we are opting to go with Dad instead. Honestly, if he says he needs us to start going with him, we will do so, at least for a while.
Funny, the things that keep popping into my head. Random memories, like going shopping at Christmas, or our Friday lunches and pedicures. Lunch after hair appointments. Chatting on the phone on my way to work. Hugs, every time I walked in the door or left the house. That stuff is gone. I have a picture that Pete found, that I now have framed on my desk at home, of Mom giving me a hug right before I walked down the aisle at our wedding. I'm REALLY gonna miss that stuff. Already do.
Pray for us as we find our footing. I feel like the rug was just totally yanked out from underneath my feet, and I haven't hit the ground yet, I'm just falling. We are all learning to adjust right now.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Arrangements
Well, everything is set.
Visitation will be at Greenwood Funeral Home on Thursday night, from 6-8 pm.
The funeral will be Friday at 1pm, at Christ Chapel Bible Church (ccbcfamily.org) in the small sanctuary. Graveside service will follow at Greenwood.
We went Monday afternoon to pick everything out. I think we did a good job. The first spot we looked at for her burial plot was nice, because it was under a grove of oak trees, but Hailey didn't like it. There was a cemetary wall (huge cement thing) right by the trees, with a run-down looking house overlooking it. So, we looked at another one, towards the back of the cemetary. It is in the area that is the highest spot in the cemetary, lots of sun, but very close to a young tree that will shade more within a couple of years. Dad likes it, and he asked if we could do the thing where, instead of purchasing 2 burial plots next to each other, they could "stack" the coffins. Baiscally, it puts the first coffin about 10 feet down, the second about 6 feet down. That way they can be together.
The funny part about where Mom will be buried is that, when she taught Hailey and I to drive, that is where we would start. She always said that by teaching us to drive in the cemetary, we wouldn't kill anything. :-) Good memories. Hailey remembers her saying, "Don't give me any of those huge gaudy tombstones. I want something small. See that one? That's tacky. And that one is ugly. You better not get me anything ugly!" Classic Mom.
We are muddling through. Lots of random moments of total breakdowns. But still, a lot of laughter, and a lot of smiles.
Our hearts are broken, but we have been discussing what must be going on in Heaven. "You know, Donna, I've been able to run this place for thousands of years." "Yes, but you really need a welcoming committee. Let me head it up, and we'll make welcome cards!" It brings smiles to our faces.
Please continue to pray for us. This next year is REALLY going to suck.
Visitation will be at Greenwood Funeral Home on Thursday night, from 6-8 pm.
The funeral will be Friday at 1pm, at Christ Chapel Bible Church (ccbcfamily.org) in the small sanctuary. Graveside service will follow at Greenwood.
We went Monday afternoon to pick everything out. I think we did a good job. The first spot we looked at for her burial plot was nice, because it was under a grove of oak trees, but Hailey didn't like it. There was a cemetary wall (huge cement thing) right by the trees, with a run-down looking house overlooking it. So, we looked at another one, towards the back of the cemetary. It is in the area that is the highest spot in the cemetary, lots of sun, but very close to a young tree that will shade more within a couple of years. Dad likes it, and he asked if we could do the thing where, instead of purchasing 2 burial plots next to each other, they could "stack" the coffins. Baiscally, it puts the first coffin about 10 feet down, the second about 6 feet down. That way they can be together.
The funny part about where Mom will be buried is that, when she taught Hailey and I to drive, that is where we would start. She always said that by teaching us to drive in the cemetary, we wouldn't kill anything. :-) Good memories. Hailey remembers her saying, "Don't give me any of those huge gaudy tombstones. I want something small. See that one? That's tacky. And that one is ugly. You better not get me anything ugly!" Classic Mom.
We are muddling through. Lots of random moments of total breakdowns. But still, a lot of laughter, and a lot of smiles.
Our hearts are broken, but we have been discussing what must be going on in Heaven. "You know, Donna, I've been able to run this place for thousands of years." "Yes, but you really need a welcoming committee. Let me head it up, and we'll make welcome cards!" It brings smiles to our faces.
Please continue to pray for us. This next year is REALLY going to suck.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Amazing Grace...Blessed Assurance
These are 2 of my mom's favorite hymms, and mine too.
Most of you have heard by now our sad news.
Mom passed into heaven this morning.
Lots of tears all around.
Sorry, I didn't post Saturday when things changed. She apparently got very agitated Friday night, and Dad got no sleep at all. We made the choice to call in 24/7 hospice critical care nurses, knowing we were nearly there. We opted to not go back to the hospital for end stage hospice, we were happy having her at home.
Most of yesterday she was mostly sedated, but she would still moan in pain. We were able to give more medications as we felt it was necessary to keep her comfortable. Her blood pressure kept dropping. When we left last night, it was around 50/30.
I got a call from Dad this morning about 7 AM, saying that they could no longer register her blood pressure, but she was still breathing. We raced over as fast as we could get out of PJ's.
She was still with us for a while, we got to take turns sitting and holding her hands and talking to her. We all reassured her that we kept our promise, she was never alone through the whole time. Around 9:30, she was gone.
Lots of tears. But, ya know? There is a lot of rejoicing.
No more pain. No more testing. No more surgery. Just eternal happiness and praise.
We swear, she is already organizing a stamping party in heaven, and has joined the welcome committee.
Currently we are planning on the service being Friday at 10 am at Christ Chapel Bible Church, at 30 and Montgomery in Fort Worth, but I will confirm that tomorrow after the church office is open.
We kids (all 4 of us, Pete loved her so much) went with Dad to the funeral home to help pick everything out. We then headed to the mall, because Dad didn't have a suit and Hailey left her stuff at school. Everything is now taken care of.
I have repeatedly asked for prayer, and I know that. Now, I will ask for prayer for us. Like King David said in 2 Samuel, "22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
We feel so much pain right now. And so much more in the days to come. But right now, for the moment at least, there is peace.
Shortly after she passed, before they came to get her body to take to the funeral home (another experience I would opt out of EVER doing again, BTW), Pete and I were sitting on the stairs, crying. God brought to mind a beautiful song, a version of Amazing Grace that Chris Tomlin sings. Buy it on iTunes, seriously. The chorus, which I have had running through my head all day says "My chains are gone, I've been set free. 'Cuz God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending Love, Amazing Grace." Makes me cry even just typing it. Her chains are GONE!!! She is FREE!!!
Thank you, God, for ending her pain and suffering. I know You will comfort us as we begin ours.
Most of you have heard by now our sad news.
Mom passed into heaven this morning.
Lots of tears all around.
Sorry, I didn't post Saturday when things changed. She apparently got very agitated Friday night, and Dad got no sleep at all. We made the choice to call in 24/7 hospice critical care nurses, knowing we were nearly there. We opted to not go back to the hospital for end stage hospice, we were happy having her at home.
Most of yesterday she was mostly sedated, but she would still moan in pain. We were able to give more medications as we felt it was necessary to keep her comfortable. Her blood pressure kept dropping. When we left last night, it was around 50/30.
I got a call from Dad this morning about 7 AM, saying that they could no longer register her blood pressure, but she was still breathing. We raced over as fast as we could get out of PJ's.
She was still with us for a while, we got to take turns sitting and holding her hands and talking to her. We all reassured her that we kept our promise, she was never alone through the whole time. Around 9:30, she was gone.
Lots of tears. But, ya know? There is a lot of rejoicing.
No more pain. No more testing. No more surgery. Just eternal happiness and praise.
We swear, she is already organizing a stamping party in heaven, and has joined the welcome committee.
Currently we are planning on the service being Friday at 10 am at Christ Chapel Bible Church, at 30 and Montgomery in Fort Worth, but I will confirm that tomorrow after the church office is open.
We kids (all 4 of us, Pete loved her so much) went with Dad to the funeral home to help pick everything out. We then headed to the mall, because Dad didn't have a suit and Hailey left her stuff at school. Everything is now taken care of.
I have repeatedly asked for prayer, and I know that. Now, I will ask for prayer for us. Like King David said in 2 Samuel, "22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
We feel so much pain right now. And so much more in the days to come. But right now, for the moment at least, there is peace.
Shortly after she passed, before they came to get her body to take to the funeral home (another experience I would opt out of EVER doing again, BTW), Pete and I were sitting on the stairs, crying. God brought to mind a beautiful song, a version of Amazing Grace that Chris Tomlin sings. Buy it on iTunes, seriously. The chorus, which I have had running through my head all day says "My chains are gone, I've been set free. 'Cuz God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending Love, Amazing Grace." Makes me cry even just typing it. Her chains are GONE!!! She is FREE!!!
Thank you, God, for ending her pain and suffering. I know You will comfort us as we begin ours.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Continuation
We are still hanging in there.
Mom is going more downhill every day. She has fewer and fewer lucid moments. She is barely understandable most of the time, then other times she is very clear in what she says.
We are still finding humor in all this. Mom's personality that we know and love so much is still very much intact.
Yesterday, Pete and I were taking care of her and just holding her hands while Dad ran a few errands and Kathy and Robert were upstairs. Mom kinda came to for just a few minutes, asking who was all there. We told her that it was us. She said "I'm tired of talking to you. Can you find anyone else?" We did laugh at that, quietly.
Basically, though, we are all just hanging around, talking to her when she is awake and lucid, trying to make her keep her clothes on (no one ever told me that people in the last days of their lives try to strip continually!!!) and just going along with whatever she says.
Quote of the day from yesterday:
Kathy "Nicole, could you please come over here and convince your mother to stop stripping?"
Me "Momma, lets keep your gown on until the lady gets here so we can take a bath, ok?"
Mom "But I'm not gonna be embarassed!"
Really, it was pretty funny. Dad said he never knew Mom had a voyeuristic side to her!!
I think you have to find humor in all this, or else you spend the entire time crying. And there is plenty of that going on as it is!!
Hailey has decided to come home for a while. Even though TCU is only a 20 minute drive away, she felt like she wanted to be home for this. She said that she doesn't want to be in class, or even worse in marching practice where she can't leave, when she gets the call that Mom is gone. We get it. Dad isn't working for now, his bosses have graciously given him the time off that he needs. Kathy has rescheduled her clients, and Robert has cleared it with his boss to be off and here. Depending on how the rest of the weekend goes, I might go back to work Tuesday, I might not. Right now I'm leaning towards not, but Pete wants me to go unless it is the Very End. I really would rather be here with my family, with my mom.
Occasionally, Mom will recognize me, and when she does, she gives lots of hugs and kisses. I know I won't be able to have too many more of those hugs and kisses, so it's OK that she showers me with them right now. Even though it does make me cry, which she doesn't understand. Mostly she will recognize Dad, or Granny and PawPaw. Last night, she wanted to sit with Dad, so he pulled a chair over to the hospital bed and put his arm around her. She dozed off, leaning against his arm. It was very sweet.
Growing up, I knew Mom and Dad loved each other, but I never saw them as more than my parents. Now, I am seeing them as the couple they are. Dad loves her so much, and this is just killing him. She will wake up and kiss him frequently. If he isn't in the room, she asks for "my Phil." He always comes running.
Please continue to pray for us. We know the time is drawing near when we will lose her. In some ways it will be a relief to finally have this over, to know she is no longer in pain. She is ready. She has earned her reward.
Mom is going more downhill every day. She has fewer and fewer lucid moments. She is barely understandable most of the time, then other times she is very clear in what she says.
We are still finding humor in all this. Mom's personality that we know and love so much is still very much intact.
Yesterday, Pete and I were taking care of her and just holding her hands while Dad ran a few errands and Kathy and Robert were upstairs. Mom kinda came to for just a few minutes, asking who was all there. We told her that it was us. She said "I'm tired of talking to you. Can you find anyone else?" We did laugh at that, quietly.
Basically, though, we are all just hanging around, talking to her when she is awake and lucid, trying to make her keep her clothes on (no one ever told me that people in the last days of their lives try to strip continually!!!) and just going along with whatever she says.
Quote of the day from yesterday:
Kathy "Nicole, could you please come over here and convince your mother to stop stripping?"
Me "Momma, lets keep your gown on until the lady gets here so we can take a bath, ok?"
Mom "But I'm not gonna be embarassed!"
Really, it was pretty funny. Dad said he never knew Mom had a voyeuristic side to her!!
I think you have to find humor in all this, or else you spend the entire time crying. And there is plenty of that going on as it is!!
Hailey has decided to come home for a while. Even though TCU is only a 20 minute drive away, she felt like she wanted to be home for this. She said that she doesn't want to be in class, or even worse in marching practice where she can't leave, when she gets the call that Mom is gone. We get it. Dad isn't working for now, his bosses have graciously given him the time off that he needs. Kathy has rescheduled her clients, and Robert has cleared it with his boss to be off and here. Depending on how the rest of the weekend goes, I might go back to work Tuesday, I might not. Right now I'm leaning towards not, but Pete wants me to go unless it is the Very End. I really would rather be here with my family, with my mom.
Occasionally, Mom will recognize me, and when she does, she gives lots of hugs and kisses. I know I won't be able to have too many more of those hugs and kisses, so it's OK that she showers me with them right now. Even though it does make me cry, which she doesn't understand. Mostly she will recognize Dad, or Granny and PawPaw. Last night, she wanted to sit with Dad, so he pulled a chair over to the hospital bed and put his arm around her. She dozed off, leaning against his arm. It was very sweet.
Growing up, I knew Mom and Dad loved each other, but I never saw them as more than my parents. Now, I am seeing them as the couple they are. Dad loves her so much, and this is just killing him. She will wake up and kiss him frequently. If he isn't in the room, she asks for "my Phil." He always comes running.
Please continue to pray for us. We know the time is drawing near when we will lose her. In some ways it will be a relief to finally have this over, to know she is no longer in pain. She is ready. She has earned her reward.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
On the Downhill Slope
Things have changed dramatically since Friday.
Mom is having trouble remembering her nouns, including names, places, etc. She kept asking for her pickles tonight, and really meant her eyeglasses. She also told Hailey that she wanted applesauce, then when Hailey questioned her, she kissed Hay on the cheek and said "Applesauce! That's what I wanted!!" So now my sister and I may have a sweet inside joke.
For the woman who can talk paint off the walls, she can't even put a coherent sentence together. Or, if she can do one, she can't say more than 2 or 3. We are having to have REALLY short conversations.
I don't think she's in pain. I think she is making perfect sense to herself. I know that in the very end-stage of cancer, the brain gets all confused on nouns.
Yes, I did just say the very end-stage. Without a miracle, I think we are there.
Strangely, I think we are all at peace about this. Obviously, I don't want my mom to die. I love her so much. But quite frankly, and anyone who has seen her since Staurday can verify this, she is not the woman who raised me. This is NOT my mom. I mean, it is obviously her body. But this, this shriveled little lady who can't make a complete coherent thought or take a bath without freaking out (scared the home health aide to death I think!!), this is not mom.
I'm not happy at the idea of her leaving us. Please don't misunderstand me. There have been more tears shed in the last month than in the last 2 years. I am completely devastated, as we all are.
But there is a certain peace that has flowed through all of us. It truly is the Peace That Passes Understanding. Because there is no logical reason that we should have peace right now. God is showing me how much He defies logic.
So many people right now are asking us what they can do. Frankly, here is a list.
1. If you are not a Christian, please, talk to someone. A pastor, a friend, heck, email me. While I would NEVER wish this experience on ANYONE, my faith has not been shaken once, it has actually held firm and grown through this. If you are a Christian, it is my deepest hope that you will take a cue from Mom, and tell others. I have been challenged by my mother's actions, that if she can witness to someone on her deathbed, how much more can I do?
2. Do anything and everything you can to avoid cancer. Wear sunscreen. Buy organic when possible and not outrageously more expensive. Make your household cleaners, or use the "earth friendly" ones. I am by no means a tree-hugger or jumping on the global warming bandwagon (I have too much of a science background to believe 99% of that stuff) but the truth is, we consume SO MANY chemicals every single day that we don't think about, and we don't know what all the long term effects are. Lose weight if you need to. In my family, cancer is extremely prevalent. My generation (Hailey, Eric, and myself) are the ONLY generation not yet affected by cancer - on BOTH SIDES. We have vowed to to everything possible, within reason, to avoid having to put our families through this in 30 years. Gosh, in my case, only 20.
3. Pray for us. I have repeatedly asked for prayer. I know so many of you are praying for our family, and I appreciate it. We can feel it. God is giving us strength and peace. We will need much prayer in the days to come, because without divine intervention, and FAST, I simply don't see how Mom will make it very many more days.
So, there you have it. My wish list of things that everyone can do to help us. Maybe it seems simple, and it is, but if everyone who reads this will do these things, we will see a huge change, not only in ourselves, but in our families, our workplaces, and just in our lives in general.
Mom is having trouble remembering her nouns, including names, places, etc. She kept asking for her pickles tonight, and really meant her eyeglasses. She also told Hailey that she wanted applesauce, then when Hailey questioned her, she kissed Hay on the cheek and said "Applesauce! That's what I wanted!!" So now my sister and I may have a sweet inside joke.
For the woman who can talk paint off the walls, she can't even put a coherent sentence together. Or, if she can do one, she can't say more than 2 or 3. We are having to have REALLY short conversations.
I don't think she's in pain. I think she is making perfect sense to herself. I know that in the very end-stage of cancer, the brain gets all confused on nouns.
Yes, I did just say the very end-stage. Without a miracle, I think we are there.
Strangely, I think we are all at peace about this. Obviously, I don't want my mom to die. I love her so much. But quite frankly, and anyone who has seen her since Staurday can verify this, she is not the woman who raised me. This is NOT my mom. I mean, it is obviously her body. But this, this shriveled little lady who can't make a complete coherent thought or take a bath without freaking out (scared the home health aide to death I think!!), this is not mom.
I'm not happy at the idea of her leaving us. Please don't misunderstand me. There have been more tears shed in the last month than in the last 2 years. I am completely devastated, as we all are.
But there is a certain peace that has flowed through all of us. It truly is the Peace That Passes Understanding. Because there is no logical reason that we should have peace right now. God is showing me how much He defies logic.
So many people right now are asking us what they can do. Frankly, here is a list.
1. If you are not a Christian, please, talk to someone. A pastor, a friend, heck, email me. While I would NEVER wish this experience on ANYONE, my faith has not been shaken once, it has actually held firm and grown through this. If you are a Christian, it is my deepest hope that you will take a cue from Mom, and tell others. I have been challenged by my mother's actions, that if she can witness to someone on her deathbed, how much more can I do?
2. Do anything and everything you can to avoid cancer. Wear sunscreen. Buy organic when possible and not outrageously more expensive. Make your household cleaners, or use the "earth friendly" ones. I am by no means a tree-hugger or jumping on the global warming bandwagon (I have too much of a science background to believe 99% of that stuff) but the truth is, we consume SO MANY chemicals every single day that we don't think about, and we don't know what all the long term effects are. Lose weight if you need to. In my family, cancer is extremely prevalent. My generation (Hailey, Eric, and myself) are the ONLY generation not yet affected by cancer - on BOTH SIDES. We have vowed to to everything possible, within reason, to avoid having to put our families through this in 30 years. Gosh, in my case, only 20.
3. Pray for us. I have repeatedly asked for prayer. I know so many of you are praying for our family, and I appreciate it. We can feel it. God is giving us strength and peace. We will need much prayer in the days to come, because without divine intervention, and FAST, I simply don't see how Mom will make it very many more days.
So, there you have it. My wish list of things that everyone can do to help us. Maybe it seems simple, and it is, but if everyone who reads this will do these things, we will see a huge change, not only in ourselves, but in our families, our workplaces, and just in our lives in general.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Hanging in There
I know I haven't posted in a week, sorry. Things really haven't changed that much.
We've spent much of the past week just hanging out. Pete has been helping out with Mom during the days, especially went Kathy went back to Santa Fe for a couple of days, and I've been over in the afternoons and evenings. Work has been slow, what with it being the first week of school and all, so I've actually gotten off at lunchtime two different days this week!
Mom has a health care aide who comes over 2-3 times a week to help her bathe, plus when Cissy is here, Kathy and Peter/I/Granny/Dad change the bedding. The nurse comes out 2 times a week too, to check on the ostomy bags and IV's and stuff. We are checking on more antibiotics for the infection which seems to be becoming chronic.
Like I sais last time, we are just adjusting to this new normal.
Mom is sleeping a little more each day. Hospice told us that is what should be happening. They did lower some of her meds just a little, because she is developing twitches from being on such high doses for a prolonged period of time. They also added a medication to help her sleep a little better, and it definitely does. It also makes her just a little loopy.
We really shouldn't be laughing at her, but she has said stuff about giving the dog a cell phone, having conversations with the air, asking if we need to text people when someone comes out of the bathroom, stuff like that. I felt a bit bad about laughing, but then I noticed my dad was laughing so hard that his shoulders were shaking. So, I guess we are just going to laugh. Not to be mean or anything, but seriously, some of this is hilarious.
I'm still noticing her go downhill just a little bit each day. She is mumbling in her sleep, like she is having conversations with someone. I remember Auntie doing that shortly before she passed away, so it always is slightly unnerving. Mom is only the 2nd person that I have really sat and watched this happen with, so in my very limited experience, I'm just comparing the two situations in my head.
Mom told Kathy last night that she wants to get her friends together to let them divide her stamping and craft stuff among them. I don't think I'm really ready for that. I mean, it will never be easy, but I just am not ready to watch her stuff disappear out of the house yet. She's already talked to us kids about what she wants each of us to have, but we all 3 firmly refuse to take anything for now. For Pete's sake, she's still here! To me, and to all 3 of us kids, it feels very disrespectful to start that stuff now. There will be plenty of time to divide stuff up later.
Being caught up in all this, we kinda get tunnel vision. I will occasionally almost forget that there is an end in sight here, or that there is even a world going on outside. Pete and I went to dinner a few nights ago, and it is just so odd to be in public with people laughing, and talking, and going on about their daily lives. I think I wrote about this before, but one night we went to one of my favorite restaurants, and happened to be seated next to the only group in the whole place celebrating a birthday - their Mom's. We were nearly finished by the time they were singing happy birthday, but I still had my tostada in my hand, and when they started singing "happy birthday MOM" I think I just dropped my food and walked out. Hopefully it won't be like this forever.
I got to have the most LOVELY conversation (insert sarcasm here) with my grandmother the other day. She told me that I have been selfish to not have kids yet, that I was denying my Mom her dream of being a grandmother, and now she is dying. I understand that she is grieving, we all are. I kindly explained to her that EVERYONE, grandparents included, encouraged us to NOT have kids till we were completely finished with school, which JUST HAPPENED. Plus, if God wanted us to have kids right now, we would, birth control or no. I then went on to explain that if I were to get pregnant right now, it would be very unhealthy, as I'm forgetting to eat and drink, and having to be reminded to do so. I couldn't even fathom it. I feel like if I got pregnant now, I would be doing my child a HUGE disservice, becuase I couldn't be totally focused. Honestly, with all this going on, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up miscarrying just because of all the stress. Yeah, that's one conversation I NEVER want to have again. Next time, my response will be something like "We've already discussed this."
Pray that we don't all start losing our tempers with each other. Everyone is starting to get short fuses. We've had LOTS of family time, LOTS. ALL of the grandparents are forgetting to put in, or turn on, or turn up, their hearing aids. We're getting lots of "Huh?" "What?" "What'd you say?" shouted at us, even when Mom is trying to sleep. Usually we can kinda laugh it off, but it's getting REALLY old, REALLY fast.
Please continue to pray for us. Thankfully we are having some definite moments we can laugh at, but we are all starting to hit the breaking point.
We've spent much of the past week just hanging out. Pete has been helping out with Mom during the days, especially went Kathy went back to Santa Fe for a couple of days, and I've been over in the afternoons and evenings. Work has been slow, what with it being the first week of school and all, so I've actually gotten off at lunchtime two different days this week!
Mom has a health care aide who comes over 2-3 times a week to help her bathe, plus when Cissy is here, Kathy and Peter/I/Granny/Dad change the bedding. The nurse comes out 2 times a week too, to check on the ostomy bags and IV's and stuff. We are checking on more antibiotics for the infection which seems to be becoming chronic.
Like I sais last time, we are just adjusting to this new normal.
Mom is sleeping a little more each day. Hospice told us that is what should be happening. They did lower some of her meds just a little, because she is developing twitches from being on such high doses for a prolonged period of time. They also added a medication to help her sleep a little better, and it definitely does. It also makes her just a little loopy.
We really shouldn't be laughing at her, but she has said stuff about giving the dog a cell phone, having conversations with the air, asking if we need to text people when someone comes out of the bathroom, stuff like that. I felt a bit bad about laughing, but then I noticed my dad was laughing so hard that his shoulders were shaking. So, I guess we are just going to laugh. Not to be mean or anything, but seriously, some of this is hilarious.
I'm still noticing her go downhill just a little bit each day. She is mumbling in her sleep, like she is having conversations with someone. I remember Auntie doing that shortly before she passed away, so it always is slightly unnerving. Mom is only the 2nd person that I have really sat and watched this happen with, so in my very limited experience, I'm just comparing the two situations in my head.
Mom told Kathy last night that she wants to get her friends together to let them divide her stamping and craft stuff among them. I don't think I'm really ready for that. I mean, it will never be easy, but I just am not ready to watch her stuff disappear out of the house yet. She's already talked to us kids about what she wants each of us to have, but we all 3 firmly refuse to take anything for now. For Pete's sake, she's still here! To me, and to all 3 of us kids, it feels very disrespectful to start that stuff now. There will be plenty of time to divide stuff up later.
Being caught up in all this, we kinda get tunnel vision. I will occasionally almost forget that there is an end in sight here, or that there is even a world going on outside. Pete and I went to dinner a few nights ago, and it is just so odd to be in public with people laughing, and talking, and going on about their daily lives. I think I wrote about this before, but one night we went to one of my favorite restaurants, and happened to be seated next to the only group in the whole place celebrating a birthday - their Mom's. We were nearly finished by the time they were singing happy birthday, but I still had my tostada in my hand, and when they started singing "happy birthday MOM" I think I just dropped my food and walked out. Hopefully it won't be like this forever.
I got to have the most LOVELY conversation (insert sarcasm here) with my grandmother the other day. She told me that I have been selfish to not have kids yet, that I was denying my Mom her dream of being a grandmother, and now she is dying. I understand that she is grieving, we all are. I kindly explained to her that EVERYONE, grandparents included, encouraged us to NOT have kids till we were completely finished with school, which JUST HAPPENED. Plus, if God wanted us to have kids right now, we would, birth control or no. I then went on to explain that if I were to get pregnant right now, it would be very unhealthy, as I'm forgetting to eat and drink, and having to be reminded to do so. I couldn't even fathom it. I feel like if I got pregnant now, I would be doing my child a HUGE disservice, becuase I couldn't be totally focused. Honestly, with all this going on, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up miscarrying just because of all the stress. Yeah, that's one conversation I NEVER want to have again. Next time, my response will be something like "We've already discussed this."
Pray that we don't all start losing our tempers with each other. Everyone is starting to get short fuses. We've had LOTS of family time, LOTS. ALL of the grandparents are forgetting to put in, or turn on, or turn up, their hearing aids. We're getting lots of "Huh?" "What?" "What'd you say?" shouted at us, even when Mom is trying to sleep. Usually we can kinda laugh it off, but it's getting REALLY old, REALLY fast.
Please continue to pray for us. Thankfully we are having some definite moments we can laugh at, but we are all starting to hit the breaking point.
Friday, August 21, 2009
A New Normal, For Now
Mom seems to be doing well.
I got in trouble for stealing her blow dryer...but to be fair, I had to! I left mine at the hospital when I took it up there for her last week. I now have mine back, but kinda forgot to return hers...whoops!
When I am getting fussed at for stealing her blow dryer, I know she is feeling better. :-)
The oncologist told Mom that he wants to see her in his office in a couple of weeks. So I'm guessing this maybe changes our prognosis back to the 3-6 months we were given about 2 weeks ago? I'm certainly not arguing the extra time we are getting!
Zoe was SOOO happy to have Mom home. Pete helped to move her back home. He said the dog was excited, but as soon as they got Mom in the house, she just curled up and went to sleep. I think we all expected to see Miss Pup just go ballistic. Dogs are pretty smart, though, and I think she can tell that something isn't right. After all, Mom is laying/reclining in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room. Not the normal status quo for their house.
I decided to go back to work. There isn't really much for me to do at their house. Pete and I (but mostly Pete) have been working on cleaning our house today. Since he doesn't have a job right now, it's kinda important that I work enough to keep some money coming in. Bills don't stop just because your mom is sick. My office has been really good to me. They let me come back Tuesday, and just do a half-day. My plan was to do half-days this week, but one of the other doctors' daughter got sick, and since Mom is doing well, I volunteered to go on and just work my normal days. It's really been nice. They've kept me busy, but not swamped. I only felt just a little overwhelmed the first day. So I've really only missed one and a half days more than we originally planned, since I was already scheduled to be off the whole week of Disney.
I guess for now, we are just adjusting to our new version of normal.
Oh, I am also supposed to tell everyone that Mom wants visitors. Now that she is settled in at home, she wants people to continue to come by. For those who don't know where they live, send me an email (nbranca@charter.net) and I will let you know.
Continue to pray for us, as we begin to adjust our lives to this pattern.
I got in trouble for stealing her blow dryer...but to be fair, I had to! I left mine at the hospital when I took it up there for her last week. I now have mine back, but kinda forgot to return hers...whoops!
When I am getting fussed at for stealing her blow dryer, I know she is feeling better. :-)
The oncologist told Mom that he wants to see her in his office in a couple of weeks. So I'm guessing this maybe changes our prognosis back to the 3-6 months we were given about 2 weeks ago? I'm certainly not arguing the extra time we are getting!
Zoe was SOOO happy to have Mom home. Pete helped to move her back home. He said the dog was excited, but as soon as they got Mom in the house, she just curled up and went to sleep. I think we all expected to see Miss Pup just go ballistic. Dogs are pretty smart, though, and I think she can tell that something isn't right. After all, Mom is laying/reclining in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room. Not the normal status quo for their house.
I decided to go back to work. There isn't really much for me to do at their house. Pete and I (but mostly Pete) have been working on cleaning our house today. Since he doesn't have a job right now, it's kinda important that I work enough to keep some money coming in. Bills don't stop just because your mom is sick. My office has been really good to me. They let me come back Tuesday, and just do a half-day. My plan was to do half-days this week, but one of the other doctors' daughter got sick, and since Mom is doing well, I volunteered to go on and just work my normal days. It's really been nice. They've kept me busy, but not swamped. I only felt just a little overwhelmed the first day. So I've really only missed one and a half days more than we originally planned, since I was already scheduled to be off the whole week of Disney.
I guess for now, we are just adjusting to our new version of normal.
Oh, I am also supposed to tell everyone that Mom wants visitors. Now that she is settled in at home, she wants people to continue to come by. For those who don't know where they live, send me an email (nbranca@charter.net) and I will let you know.
Continue to pray for us, as we begin to adjust our lives to this pattern.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Moving Again
Apparently, you CAN do too well.
The hospice in the hospital is kicking us out! Mom is doing really well right now. They basically told her that since she is not critical, she has to go home.
We have set up all the hospice stuff for the house. Well, we didn't, VITAS did. Dad moved a loveseat out of the living room so we can put the hospital bed in its place. We have an IV pole, a wheelchair, a hospital bed with air mattress, oxygen tanks, all the stuff you normally find in a hospital...in the house...which is odd.
The doctor did end up putting Mom on an antibiotic for the infection. I spoke with him on Sunday and was pretty insistent on it. He didn't seem to have an issue with it, other than the fact that she had already been on one for several days. My basic response was, "well, that one obviously wasn't working, so lets try one that will work." The nurse today said the culture came back saying it was yeast, not bacteria. I've never seen a yeast infection act like that, but I've also never seen one anywhere other than the usual places, and this is most definitely an UNusual place for one! She was going to double-check that though.
Mom is actually pretty happy to be moving home. She can still have visitors (though we are discouraging them for moving day) without disturbing the rest of the floor. Let me tell you, our bunch can get pretty noisy! She also gets her puppy back! Zoe will be SOOOO happy to have Mom home. We are a little concerned about how she will be since she basically has only seen Mom for about 2 hours in the past 2 weeks. But Dad seems to think that she will be hyper for a few minutes, then just curl up with her mommy.
They did increase Mom's dosage of pain meds. She was pushing the button a little more frequently than they necessarily would have liked, but no where NEAR the max she is allowed to. So we will be monitoring that closely.
We can move back to the hospice unit once she begins to get critical. When we can no longer manage her at home, we will just call VITAS and they will transport her back.
We know that this is a temporary thing. We are well aware that, without a major miracle, this is going to end with Mom dying. However, I believe in a God who works MAJOR MIRACLES. I believe that, if He chooses, Mom will get better or be healed. I also believe that sometimes the best healing is to be removed from this earth, and be reunited later. God knows best. I might not always agree with His methods, but I can't argue with the end result.
Continue to pray for us. I am seeing a change in my brother that I never thought I would see. He is becoming more interested in the things of God, something he hasn't been terribly interested in for nearly 10 years. He is a Christian, but has made a few slip ups. As have all of us. Pray that he continues to journey more along the road God has chosen for him, rather than his own road. Pray that we will continue to be able to enjoy this time with Mom, and that she will be able to have her pain adequately controlled. Pray that, if it be His will, she will be healed, and if that is not His will, that she will be comfortable. Pray for healing for us, because there is not much of a faster way to a broken heart than by watching your mom slowly die.
As always, we appreciate your prayers.
The hospice in the hospital is kicking us out! Mom is doing really well right now. They basically told her that since she is not critical, she has to go home.
We have set up all the hospice stuff for the house. Well, we didn't, VITAS did. Dad moved a loveseat out of the living room so we can put the hospital bed in its place. We have an IV pole, a wheelchair, a hospital bed with air mattress, oxygen tanks, all the stuff you normally find in a hospital...in the house...which is odd.
The doctor did end up putting Mom on an antibiotic for the infection. I spoke with him on Sunday and was pretty insistent on it. He didn't seem to have an issue with it, other than the fact that she had already been on one for several days. My basic response was, "well, that one obviously wasn't working, so lets try one that will work." The nurse today said the culture came back saying it was yeast, not bacteria. I've never seen a yeast infection act like that, but I've also never seen one anywhere other than the usual places, and this is most definitely an UNusual place for one! She was going to double-check that though.
Mom is actually pretty happy to be moving home. She can still have visitors (though we are discouraging them for moving day) without disturbing the rest of the floor. Let me tell you, our bunch can get pretty noisy! She also gets her puppy back! Zoe will be SOOOO happy to have Mom home. We are a little concerned about how she will be since she basically has only seen Mom for about 2 hours in the past 2 weeks. But Dad seems to think that she will be hyper for a few minutes, then just curl up with her mommy.
They did increase Mom's dosage of pain meds. She was pushing the button a little more frequently than they necessarily would have liked, but no where NEAR the max she is allowed to. So we will be monitoring that closely.
We can move back to the hospice unit once she begins to get critical. When we can no longer manage her at home, we will just call VITAS and they will transport her back.
We know that this is a temporary thing. We are well aware that, without a major miracle, this is going to end with Mom dying. However, I believe in a God who works MAJOR MIRACLES. I believe that, if He chooses, Mom will get better or be healed. I also believe that sometimes the best healing is to be removed from this earth, and be reunited later. God knows best. I might not always agree with His methods, but I can't argue with the end result.
Continue to pray for us. I am seeing a change in my brother that I never thought I would see. He is becoming more interested in the things of God, something he hasn't been terribly interested in for nearly 10 years. He is a Christian, but has made a few slip ups. As have all of us. Pray that he continues to journey more along the road God has chosen for him, rather than his own road. Pray that we will continue to be able to enjoy this time with Mom, and that she will be able to have her pain adequately controlled. Pray that, if it be His will, she will be healed, and if that is not His will, that she will be comfortable. Pray for healing for us, because there is not much of a faster way to a broken heart than by watching your mom slowly die.
As always, we appreciate your prayers.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
This is the Scary Part
Mom got moved today.
We moved from the palliative care unit to hospice. We knew this was coming.
I wish we could have stayed at palliative care, but there is a time limit on how long you may stay. At palliative care, she could still get IV antibiotics, pain meds, etc. Currently, at hospice, she is only getting IV pain meds, and they are actually bending the rules so she can have them. We explained to them that as she is unable to absorb almost anything taken orally, including food, that the oral pain meds would be insufficient and therefore negate what hospice is there for.
We are nervous about this.
Mom dehydrates so quickly once her IV's are gone. She did fine with removing her "milkshake" IV (the nutrition) and actually ate about 1/4 of her soup for lunch. She asked for grilled cheese for dinner, so Dad and I picked it up from Panera's, along with some baked potato soup. I guess I'll find out in the morning how it went.
She has an infection at the moment, in the area where the surgeon repaired her perforation last Saturday (oh my Lord, has it really only been a week?). When he removed her drain in that area yesterday, there was all sorts of lovely stuff coming out. I know most people reading this aren't medically oriented, so I'll just say it was really gross. I have helped the nurses to clean it several times over the past 2 days, and more gunk keeps leaking out. That's the medical term for it. :-)
I'm concerned about this infection. I know that people who die from this cancer die from the complications, such as not being able to absorb the nutrients from food, or their small intestine closing off, etc. I can accept that, in theory. However, I absolutely REFUSE to accept my mother dying from a perfectly treatable infection. I am aware that hospice has to play by certain rules. But I feel that treating infections should be part of their job. It is certainly part of mine.
We really only have to wait till tomorrow for the hospice Dr to look at it and make a decision, it just feels like so long. I am also slightly irritated that the oncologist we have been using who is in charge of this hospice unit will not be here for the next week or so. He was why we picked this unit. I know he needs a vacation too, believe me I get it. It would just be really nice to have continuity of care rather than ANOTHER new doctor.
I guess the longer this goes on, the more stress I am feeling and the shorter my fuse gets. I suppose it's normal, whatever normal is at this point.
Pray that our fears will be alleviated. Pray that Mom won't be in pain. Pray that this infection clears up. Pray that we can make it.
My dad says the most appropriate things. This one he has said before, but he repeated it tonight, and it is exceptionally appropriate. God knows how much we can handle, which proves He knows me better than I do.
We moved from the palliative care unit to hospice. We knew this was coming.
I wish we could have stayed at palliative care, but there is a time limit on how long you may stay. At palliative care, she could still get IV antibiotics, pain meds, etc. Currently, at hospice, she is only getting IV pain meds, and they are actually bending the rules so she can have them. We explained to them that as she is unable to absorb almost anything taken orally, including food, that the oral pain meds would be insufficient and therefore negate what hospice is there for.
We are nervous about this.
Mom dehydrates so quickly once her IV's are gone. She did fine with removing her "milkshake" IV (the nutrition) and actually ate about 1/4 of her soup for lunch. She asked for grilled cheese for dinner, so Dad and I picked it up from Panera's, along with some baked potato soup. I guess I'll find out in the morning how it went.
She has an infection at the moment, in the area where the surgeon repaired her perforation last Saturday (oh my Lord, has it really only been a week?). When he removed her drain in that area yesterday, there was all sorts of lovely stuff coming out. I know most people reading this aren't medically oriented, so I'll just say it was really gross. I have helped the nurses to clean it several times over the past 2 days, and more gunk keeps leaking out. That's the medical term for it. :-)
I'm concerned about this infection. I know that people who die from this cancer die from the complications, such as not being able to absorb the nutrients from food, or their small intestine closing off, etc. I can accept that, in theory. However, I absolutely REFUSE to accept my mother dying from a perfectly treatable infection. I am aware that hospice has to play by certain rules. But I feel that treating infections should be part of their job. It is certainly part of mine.
We really only have to wait till tomorrow for the hospice Dr to look at it and make a decision, it just feels like so long. I am also slightly irritated that the oncologist we have been using who is in charge of this hospice unit will not be here for the next week or so. He was why we picked this unit. I know he needs a vacation too, believe me I get it. It would just be really nice to have continuity of care rather than ANOTHER new doctor.
I guess the longer this goes on, the more stress I am feeling and the shorter my fuse gets. I suppose it's normal, whatever normal is at this point.
Pray that our fears will be alleviated. Pray that Mom won't be in pain. Pray that this infection clears up. Pray that we can make it.
My dad says the most appropriate things. This one he has said before, but he repeated it tonight, and it is exceptionally appropriate. God knows how much we can handle, which proves He knows me better than I do.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Moving
It looks like we are moving tomorrow.
Not Pete and I, but Mom. Tomorrow we will be moving to hospice.
The palliative care unit has been very kind to us. Mom has had TONS of visitors, and they have been very patient with us. Besides just our family (of 10) we have had over 100 visitors in the past 3 days.
So many people love my mom. It is so obvious how much she has influenced people throughout her life. We have had friends from Mom's childhood, friends from church, friends from the neighborhood, friends from the past 30 years. It has truly been a blessing.
This has been the best, but most difficult thing to go through. Mom is getting a chance to say goodbye to everyone. We are getting a chance to tell her how much we love her.
If you have ever heard the song "Thank You for Giving to the Lord," you know that the end of the song talks about people lining up for miles to tell how much the person means to them. I know that once she gets to heaven, she will have that line. We are being blessed by getting to witness a little bit of that here.
The next step is that they will remove Mom's feeding tube. She has been getting liquid nutrition through a port for the last few days. She is getting to move to a full liquid diet, which means she can eat strawberry sherbet, and she is excited about that! We know, and she knows, that she still won't be absorbing the nutrition, and her body is continuing to shut down. But at least she is comfortable.
The hospice place is at least close to where we currently are. It is at the hospital we normally have been at up to this point. Different area, but the same hospital. It is also run by the oncologist who has been Mom's doctor through all of the illness. So we are pleased with the continuity of care.
I know that this seems random and jumpy. Please bear with me. My head is all over the place. I can't really keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of minutes, or even follow a train of thought. Continue to keep us in your prayers. We will make it, it's just REALLY stressful.
Not Pete and I, but Mom. Tomorrow we will be moving to hospice.
The palliative care unit has been very kind to us. Mom has had TONS of visitors, and they have been very patient with us. Besides just our family (of 10) we have had over 100 visitors in the past 3 days.
So many people love my mom. It is so obvious how much she has influenced people throughout her life. We have had friends from Mom's childhood, friends from church, friends from the neighborhood, friends from the past 30 years. It has truly been a blessing.
This has been the best, but most difficult thing to go through. Mom is getting a chance to say goodbye to everyone. We are getting a chance to tell her how much we love her.
If you have ever heard the song "Thank You for Giving to the Lord," you know that the end of the song talks about people lining up for miles to tell how much the person means to them. I know that once she gets to heaven, she will have that line. We are being blessed by getting to witness a little bit of that here.
The next step is that they will remove Mom's feeding tube. She has been getting liquid nutrition through a port for the last few days. She is getting to move to a full liquid diet, which means she can eat strawberry sherbet, and she is excited about that! We know, and she knows, that she still won't be absorbing the nutrition, and her body is continuing to shut down. But at least she is comfortable.
The hospice place is at least close to where we currently are. It is at the hospital we normally have been at up to this point. Different area, but the same hospital. It is also run by the oncologist who has been Mom's doctor through all of the illness. So we are pleased with the continuity of care.
I know that this seems random and jumpy. Please bear with me. My head is all over the place. I can't really keep a thought in my head for more than a couple of minutes, or even follow a train of thought. Continue to keep us in your prayers. We will make it, it's just REALLY stressful.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Update
We made it home. Thank you American Airlines for accommodating us so quickly. We landed in DFW at 8:20 am, after possibly the longest night of my life.
I have been at the hospital since about 9:20 this morning. Let me just explain how we got here.
Dr Ruxer, the oncologist, came in yesterday and told Mom and Dad that the mass around her small intestines is tumor, not infection. This tumor is crushing the small intestines, and absorbing all the nutrients. This is why, no matter how much she eats and drinks, she is dehydrated and loses weight. It's simply feeding the tumor.
The tumors being this advanced, we are out of options. She is in palliative care at the hospital, with a possibility of being transferred to hospice. Maybe at home, maybe at a facility. I have a feeling God will make that choice for us. We are merely trying to keep her comfortable. Rather than 3-6 months, we were told that she has days to weeks, most likely just a few days. She WILL NOT starve to death, the tumors will just make her body shut down one system at a time. It will be very painful for her.
I spoke to Dad last night after spending the day at the Magic Kingdom. When he told me the news, Pete and I felt we had no choice but to come home. Actually, Pete made that decision all by himself. I was frankly in no shape to make any decision bigger than placing one foot in front of the other.
I'm really glad we are here. The 2 days we had of vacation were wonderful, and I actually don't regret going. We needed it. We are going to need it more after the next week or so.
I had the chance to sit with Mom for a long time today, and just talk. Lots of people are stopping by the hospital, so we're getting a lot of opportunities to reminisce. Lots of tears, on all parts.
Mom is OK with this. Remember, she gets the good part. Yes, she has to suffer for now, but she gets the good stuff pretty quickly. We are the ones who will have to suffer for the rest of our lives without her. She told me a few weeks ago that she was ready.
Last night, while Pete and I were frantically trying to get home, Mom was given the opportunity to witness to one of her very dear friends. She has been trying to witness to this lady for about 12 years, with no success. Last night, Regina became a Christian. Regina, if you are reading this, please know that I am SO PROUD of you for this decision.
I feel like this was maybe the "last thing" Mom was supposed to do before she goes.
Mom is in pretty good spirits. She's OK with crying, just not hysterics. Most of us aren't hysteric-prone anyway.
The rest of this week is REALLY going to stink though. For one of the first times in my life, I am praying that God will just slow down the clock, let me get one more conversation, one more hug or kiss, one more chance to tell her how much I love her.
Maybe one day the hole that is in my chest will heal, but for now it feels pretty much like a permanent fixture. I'm tired of crying and hurting all the time. I have no choice though. The tears just keep coming, and the hole just keeps throbbing.
I know that I ask this every time, but please continue to pray for us. My grandparents are dying of grief over their baby girl. My daddy is losing his soul mate. My uncle is losing his big sister. Eric, Hay, and I are losing our mommy. Pete adores my mom, and so does Robert (Hay's BF). I think Pete has cried as much as I have.
Through it, we have a peace that she's going to be OK, that this IS part of God's Perfect Will. It's us that we're worried about.
I have been at the hospital since about 9:20 this morning. Let me just explain how we got here.
Dr Ruxer, the oncologist, came in yesterday and told Mom and Dad that the mass around her small intestines is tumor, not infection. This tumor is crushing the small intestines, and absorbing all the nutrients. This is why, no matter how much she eats and drinks, she is dehydrated and loses weight. It's simply feeding the tumor.
The tumors being this advanced, we are out of options. She is in palliative care at the hospital, with a possibility of being transferred to hospice. Maybe at home, maybe at a facility. I have a feeling God will make that choice for us. We are merely trying to keep her comfortable. Rather than 3-6 months, we were told that she has days to weeks, most likely just a few days. She WILL NOT starve to death, the tumors will just make her body shut down one system at a time. It will be very painful for her.
I spoke to Dad last night after spending the day at the Magic Kingdom. When he told me the news, Pete and I felt we had no choice but to come home. Actually, Pete made that decision all by himself. I was frankly in no shape to make any decision bigger than placing one foot in front of the other.
I'm really glad we are here. The 2 days we had of vacation were wonderful, and I actually don't regret going. We needed it. We are going to need it more after the next week or so.
I had the chance to sit with Mom for a long time today, and just talk. Lots of people are stopping by the hospital, so we're getting a lot of opportunities to reminisce. Lots of tears, on all parts.
Mom is OK with this. Remember, she gets the good part. Yes, she has to suffer for now, but she gets the good stuff pretty quickly. We are the ones who will have to suffer for the rest of our lives without her. She told me a few weeks ago that she was ready.
Last night, while Pete and I were frantically trying to get home, Mom was given the opportunity to witness to one of her very dear friends. She has been trying to witness to this lady for about 12 years, with no success. Last night, Regina became a Christian. Regina, if you are reading this, please know that I am SO PROUD of you for this decision.
I feel like this was maybe the "last thing" Mom was supposed to do before she goes.
Mom is in pretty good spirits. She's OK with crying, just not hysterics. Most of us aren't hysteric-prone anyway.
The rest of this week is REALLY going to stink though. For one of the first times in my life, I am praying that God will just slow down the clock, let me get one more conversation, one more hug or kiss, one more chance to tell her how much I love her.
Maybe one day the hole that is in my chest will heal, but for now it feels pretty much like a permanent fixture. I'm tired of crying and hurting all the time. I have no choice though. The tears just keep coming, and the hole just keeps throbbing.
I know that I ask this every time, but please continue to pray for us. My grandparents are dying of grief over their baby girl. My daddy is losing his soul mate. My uncle is losing his big sister. Eric, Hay, and I are losing our mommy. Pete adores my mom, and so does Robert (Hay's BF). I think Pete has cried as much as I have.
Through it, we have a peace that she's going to be OK, that this IS part of God's Perfect Will. It's us that we're worried about.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Yanking the Rug Out
This is the hardest post for me to write yet.
Mom and Dad got back from SA yesterday, but she has been in unbearable pain. To the point of yelling out loud "ow ow ow!!!"
Dad took her to the ER in Fort Worth last night, after they had been home about 6 hours. They moved her to a different hospital becuase her surgeon could get her in this morning at the second one.
The decided to open Mom up to pinpoint the cause of her constant unending pain.
Her cancer has completely spread. It is covering nearly every single inch of her abdomen. There is a total of about 40 cm (just over 14 inches) of unaffected colon. She had a previous rupture of her intestine (I think) which had healed over. However, the rupture had let all the yuck out into her body. There was pus everywhere, and her intestines have become all matted together. They are completely blocked.
The doctors got her all cleaned up, but the prognosis is not good. She is in ICU for several days, and they will try to start weaning her off the ventilator. She now has a TPN for nutrition, she cannot eat solid food, except maybe yogurt or thin mashed potatoes. There is also a vent in her stomach to let out the pressure. Not a colostomy, just a vent. Mom has been very adamant about not having a colostomy bag.
Dad was given 2 options. The first was the colostomy bag. The second was the one he went with, the TPN port and pressure vent. Mom specifically doesn't want any crazy extreme measures taken to extend her life. She merely wants to be kept comfortable.
The doctors told us we have 3-6 months.
Not nearly enough time.
Currently, she is still unconscious, and will be for the next few days. Dad is meeting with a hospice nurse on Tuesday so that they can discuss setting everything up at their house if possible, rather than putting her in a facility.
I know I'm keeping this pretty clinical, but I hope everyone can understand that.
We are choosing to keep our vacation plans. My parents told us to. Frankly, I need a break, emotionally, to be able to make it through all of this. I know that the worst is yet to come. If things go downhill, I will be on the first plane out of Orlando. But right now, Pete and I both need this.
Pray for my Dad. He is so fragile right now. Mom means everything to him. I never imagined I would have to sit there and hold his hand while the surgeon told him that his wife will die, and soon. Please just pray that Mom won't be in pain.
I will obviously NOT be updating this week, but I will post again after we return.
Mom and Dad got back from SA yesterday, but she has been in unbearable pain. To the point of yelling out loud "ow ow ow!!!"
Dad took her to the ER in Fort Worth last night, after they had been home about 6 hours. They moved her to a different hospital becuase her surgeon could get her in this morning at the second one.
The decided to open Mom up to pinpoint the cause of her constant unending pain.
Her cancer has completely spread. It is covering nearly every single inch of her abdomen. There is a total of about 40 cm (just over 14 inches) of unaffected colon. She had a previous rupture of her intestine (I think) which had healed over. However, the rupture had let all the yuck out into her body. There was pus everywhere, and her intestines have become all matted together. They are completely blocked.
The doctors got her all cleaned up, but the prognosis is not good. She is in ICU for several days, and they will try to start weaning her off the ventilator. She now has a TPN for nutrition, she cannot eat solid food, except maybe yogurt or thin mashed potatoes. There is also a vent in her stomach to let out the pressure. Not a colostomy, just a vent. Mom has been very adamant about not having a colostomy bag.
Dad was given 2 options. The first was the colostomy bag. The second was the one he went with, the TPN port and pressure vent. Mom specifically doesn't want any crazy extreme measures taken to extend her life. She merely wants to be kept comfortable.
The doctors told us we have 3-6 months.
Not nearly enough time.
Currently, she is still unconscious, and will be for the next few days. Dad is meeting with a hospice nurse on Tuesday so that they can discuss setting everything up at their house if possible, rather than putting her in a facility.
I know I'm keeping this pretty clinical, but I hope everyone can understand that.
We are choosing to keep our vacation plans. My parents told us to. Frankly, I need a break, emotionally, to be able to make it through all of this. I know that the worst is yet to come. If things go downhill, I will be on the first plane out of Orlando. But right now, Pete and I both need this.
Pray for my Dad. He is so fragile right now. Mom means everything to him. I never imagined I would have to sit there and hold his hand while the surgeon told him that his wife will die, and soon. Please just pray that Mom won't be in pain.
I will obviously NOT be updating this week, but I will post again after we return.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Teach Me to Open My Big Mouth
So, apparently I spoke too soon.
Mom and Dad went back to SA yesterday for her blood test. Dad said she was complaining about hurting the whole time they were in the car. He kinda figured it was because a 5-hour car ride isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. But Mom was still complaining last night at midnight, and they got there well before dinner time.
Dad called CTRC emergency line, and they told him to bring her in to Christus Santa Rosa's ER. He did, and they waited for about 12 hours before she got a room. He said that they were well taken care of, the hospital just didn't want to assign her a room until they knew more of what the issue was.
Apparently, she has a perforation in her colon. At this point, the doctors do not believe it will require surgery, they caught it early enough. For now, the idea is that she will be in Christus Santa Rosa recieving IV's with potassium, antibiotics, and something else that will help to fix the issue. Mom told me she thinks they will get to come home Thursday.
Right now, we don't know what is the cause of the perforation. Is it the treatment? Which one? Is this something we will have to deal with regularly? Lots of questions right now.
It's pretty unnerving for me to have this happen this week. I know, it's not all about me. Mom would SOO rather never have this crap happen. Peter and I will be on vacation next week, though, in Florida. We're going to Disney with our BFF's Mike and Jess, who are moving to Nashville AS SOON as we get back. So this trip is really a big deal for us.
Frankly, after all that has happened this year so far, I NEED a vacation, desperately. I'm not the only one, I know, and I do feel somewhat guilty about leaving and not being here for Dad. However, we've had this trip planned for months. Mike and I tried to start planning it about this time last year as a surprise for Pete and Jess, but we decided around February that they needed to get let in on the fun, since they needed to interview for jobs. At that point, none of us had any idea that a) Mom would have been in the hospital this much, b) Tony (Jess' dad) would be about to undergo surgery for prostate cancer in Chattanooga, c) Mike and Jess would be about to move across the country to be closer to her family since her dad is sick, or d) that Mike would be starting at Vanderbilt the day after we return from the vacation.
Please keep all of us in your prayers. I know Dad can handle it without me, but I kinda take after Mom as being a manager of all things.
Also, keep the Connor family in your prayers. Their mom passed away today from cancer ( I can't remember what kind). I am friends with the daughter, Eric is friends with the son, and Mom has been friends with Bea (the mom, who passed away) since Erin and I were in elementary school.
I've said it before, but I will continue to emphasize...
CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!
Mom and Dad went back to SA yesterday for her blood test. Dad said she was complaining about hurting the whole time they were in the car. He kinda figured it was because a 5-hour car ride isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. But Mom was still complaining last night at midnight, and they got there well before dinner time.
Dad called CTRC emergency line, and they told him to bring her in to Christus Santa Rosa's ER. He did, and they waited for about 12 hours before she got a room. He said that they were well taken care of, the hospital just didn't want to assign her a room until they knew more of what the issue was.
Apparently, she has a perforation in her colon. At this point, the doctors do not believe it will require surgery, they caught it early enough. For now, the idea is that she will be in Christus Santa Rosa recieving IV's with potassium, antibiotics, and something else that will help to fix the issue. Mom told me she thinks they will get to come home Thursday.
Right now, we don't know what is the cause of the perforation. Is it the treatment? Which one? Is this something we will have to deal with regularly? Lots of questions right now.
It's pretty unnerving for me to have this happen this week. I know, it's not all about me. Mom would SOO rather never have this crap happen. Peter and I will be on vacation next week, though, in Florida. We're going to Disney with our BFF's Mike and Jess, who are moving to Nashville AS SOON as we get back. So this trip is really a big deal for us.
Frankly, after all that has happened this year so far, I NEED a vacation, desperately. I'm not the only one, I know, and I do feel somewhat guilty about leaving and not being here for Dad. However, we've had this trip planned for months. Mike and I tried to start planning it about this time last year as a surprise for Pete and Jess, but we decided around February that they needed to get let in on the fun, since they needed to interview for jobs. At that point, none of us had any idea that a) Mom would have been in the hospital this much, b) Tony (Jess' dad) would be about to undergo surgery for prostate cancer in Chattanooga, c) Mike and Jess would be about to move across the country to be closer to her family since her dad is sick, or d) that Mike would be starting at Vanderbilt the day after we return from the vacation.
Please keep all of us in your prayers. I know Dad can handle it without me, but I kinda take after Mom as being a manager of all things.
Also, keep the Connor family in your prayers. Their mom passed away today from cancer ( I can't remember what kind). I am friends with the daughter, Eric is friends with the son, and Mom has been friends with Bea (the mom, who passed away) since Erin and I were in elementary school.
I've said it before, but I will continue to emphasize...
CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Progress!!
THE BAR EXAM IS OVER!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I just had to throw that one out there. I know Pete is the one who has been studying and actually taking the test, but I have been absolutely stressed out over it. But he would always stress over my boards and licensing exams too, so I guess now I know how his side felt. Now, we wait till late October/early November for results.
Mom is doing great!!!
I've been waiting for months to be able to say that!
The treatment she is on at CTRC contains two medications. One is a drug that is known to work with lung cancer to shrink tumors, and one that is an experimental treatment. The first one is a pill that she takes daily, the other is an IV that she recieves every couple of weeks. She started the pills on Monday night, and it was not pretty. She called Dad, crying, saying she just couldn't do it. She was so sick. Dad was really upset, I don't think he slept the whole night. But Tuesday she was fine. Wednesday she was fine. Thursday she was fine. And every day since!!
We have discovered that if she takes the pill at 5:00 am, then goes back to bed for a couple of hours, she does just fine. Yes, she still gets tired easily. Yes, she still has pain. But it is manageable. She just takes naps. But not too long, because then she won't sleep at night. I think the anti-depressants are working for her too.
Dad asked her oncologist a few weeks ago about anti-depressants for Mom because with all the back and forth, yes and no, you're in you're out, it was tearing her up. She simply couldn't handle it. Now, after about a month on them, she is more like her old self.
I have to say, it has been a pleasure talking to Mom this week. She has been more herself this past week than she has in the past 7 months. I'm just enjoying having my Mom back.
Yes, there are some side effects to these medications, which she is concerned about. She will probably get acne again, the deep, cystic kind that you have to have prescriptions for. There is a very high possibility of anorexia, but at this point she is eating more than she has in months! The most serious side effect though, is that her immune system in totally wiped out. In fact, she had to go get her acrylic nails removed because they were growing fungus underneath. She was most unhappy about that one!! There is still the possibility of her losing her hair, but it is farther down on the list of side effects. At least she has a really cute wig! She has been getting her hair cut into that style anyway, just in case it does fall out, so it will be less noticable.
If this is the result we get with Mom on the experimental treatment, I am SOOOOO glad we did it. Even with the craziness we have all gone through over the past few months, I feel like she is where she is supposed to be.
Thank you for all the prayers!!! Please continue them, praying that Mom will continue to do great!
Also, if you do call or text her and she doesn't respond, it's not necessarily that she is sick. She just got a new phone, an iPhone, after how much I have loved mine and Pete has loved his, but she can't figure out how it works. She says she is having "chemo brain." Dad is trying to teach her, but she is having difficulty. So don't take it personally if she doesn't answer or call you back. Right now, she can't figure it out.
Sorry, I just had to throw that one out there. I know Pete is the one who has been studying and actually taking the test, but I have been absolutely stressed out over it. But he would always stress over my boards and licensing exams too, so I guess now I know how his side felt. Now, we wait till late October/early November for results.
Mom is doing great!!!
I've been waiting for months to be able to say that!
The treatment she is on at CTRC contains two medications. One is a drug that is known to work with lung cancer to shrink tumors, and one that is an experimental treatment. The first one is a pill that she takes daily, the other is an IV that she recieves every couple of weeks. She started the pills on Monday night, and it was not pretty. She called Dad, crying, saying she just couldn't do it. She was so sick. Dad was really upset, I don't think he slept the whole night. But Tuesday she was fine. Wednesday she was fine. Thursday she was fine. And every day since!!
We have discovered that if she takes the pill at 5:00 am, then goes back to bed for a couple of hours, she does just fine. Yes, she still gets tired easily. Yes, she still has pain. But it is manageable. She just takes naps. But not too long, because then she won't sleep at night. I think the anti-depressants are working for her too.
Dad asked her oncologist a few weeks ago about anti-depressants for Mom because with all the back and forth, yes and no, you're in you're out, it was tearing her up. She simply couldn't handle it. Now, after about a month on them, she is more like her old self.
I have to say, it has been a pleasure talking to Mom this week. She has been more herself this past week than she has in the past 7 months. I'm just enjoying having my Mom back.
Yes, there are some side effects to these medications, which she is concerned about. She will probably get acne again, the deep, cystic kind that you have to have prescriptions for. There is a very high possibility of anorexia, but at this point she is eating more than she has in months! The most serious side effect though, is that her immune system in totally wiped out. In fact, she had to go get her acrylic nails removed because they were growing fungus underneath. She was most unhappy about that one!! There is still the possibility of her losing her hair, but it is farther down on the list of side effects. At least she has a really cute wig! She has been getting her hair cut into that style anyway, just in case it does fall out, so it will be less noticable.
If this is the result we get with Mom on the experimental treatment, I am SOOOOO glad we did it. Even with the craziness we have all gone through over the past few months, I feel like she is where she is supposed to be.
Thank you for all the prayers!!! Please continue them, praying that Mom will continue to do great!
Also, if you do call or text her and she doesn't respond, it's not necessarily that she is sick. She just got a new phone, an iPhone, after how much I have loved mine and Pete has loved his, but she can't figure out how it works. She says she is having "chemo brain." Dad is trying to teach her, but she is having difficulty. So don't take it personally if she doesn't answer or call you back. Right now, she can't figure it out.
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